What on earth do you do when they have zero common sense?

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

My 14 and 12 yr olds have ZERO common sense. I don't know what to do about it or how to instil it.

I had to fend for myself as a child and moved out of home to live alone at 14, I had a child at 16 so I've always been able to do anything I wanted or needed to with a mixture of logic and common sense and it was those basics that allowed me to learn how to adapt and hone skills.

My children seem to have none which is my fault because I've done everything for them but now I don't know how to give them any.

I'll give you an idea,

I asked them to pop to the local village post office/shop to get a loaf of bread for sandwiches, off they went. An hour later I get a phone call from DS1, they don't have any sandwich bread then only have stuff for toast. I had to explain to him that bread is bread, just get the loaf and bring it home.

Today, DS1 wants to bake biscuits (by himself) he then comes in a million times, "what does a saucepan look like?" "Can I use corn flour instead of plain?" "How does the oven work.."

This child has been in the kitchen with me from day one, I've always encouraged him to chop, peel, weigh etc. He's also completed a whole food studies term at school but still doesn't have an ounce of ability in the kitchen.
This wouldn't be quite so awful except for years he's decided he wants to be a chef.

It applies to everything though, how on earth do I get them to have some independence, some ability to just do stuff for themselves?

If you find out, can you tell me? I have a 21 year old who is very clever academically, but no common sense. I find myself giving him step by step instructions to do the most normal, everyday things. I would blame my natural 'helicopter mum's tendencies, except that his siblings are not at all like him and they have all had the same upbringing.
I do sometimes wonder with dc1 whether there was some sort of additional need that got missed because there was no problems with school work and when DC are little you tend to do things for them, so lack of ability to work it out themselves never got noticed.

Stop doing things for them. We gradually stopped doing general things for DD starting with laundry. If she wants clean clothes she has to clean them herself.

Gradually we've worked up to her cooking and cleaning for herself at almost 18. She organises her painting lessons directly with her teacher, the cost of which is budgeted into her weekly pocket money that she earns by doing a set of chores. That way she learned money management.

As she was an only it was hard for DH and I to stop looking after her in that way but she was helpless!! It's ongoing education as most days she asked us how to do XYZ.

I imagine utter chaos if I stopped doing everything, or will take some resolve.

Although you had to fend for yourself as a child and had to do everything yourself, I bet you made some mistakes along the way. It seems like your teenagers could work things out for themselves, it's just so easy to ask you for the correct answer. I think rather than getting them to do everything themselves it's worth trying to give them the confidence to try things and make mistakes and also how to work out the answers for themselves. So, if they ask what does a saucepan like, say "which one do you think is a saucepan?" Can I use cornflour instead of plain flour? "What do you think? Have you googled it? Compare them - do they look the same? What does it say cornflour is for on the packet?" Stand back and let them get stuff wrong. When it does go wrong ask them why they think it went wrong, what would they do differently next time. No idea what the correct response is about the bread, because that's the whole point of the marketing isn't it, the company wants you to buy two loaves of bread instead of one

*It seems like your teenagers could work things out for themselves, it's just so easy to ask you for the correct answer.

I think rather than getting them to do everything themselves it's worth trying to give them the confidence to try things and make mistakes and also how to work out the answers for themselves. So, if they ask what does a saucepan like, say "which one do you think is a saucepan?" Can I use cornflour instead of plain flour? "What do you think? Have you googled it? Compare them - do they look the same? What does it say cornflour is for on the packet?"

Stand back and let them get stuff wrong. When it does go wrong ask them why they think it went wrong, what would they do differently next time.*

This. A thousand times this.

No actual need for me to just repeat @reallybadidea's post , but I read it and wanted to APPLAUD – so few parents I come across are interested in teaching their kids HOW to think instead of WHAT to think.

(that last sentence isn't aimed in a spiky way at you at ALL, OP, just something I've noticed a lot recently)

My DS changed dramatically away at university, noticeably in Year 2 in a house share. Makes me realise that part of the issue was me.

He's studying biomed. Of course he can cook meals and wash clothes.

You put your head in your hands and despair.
And get thoroughly depressed.

I don't think it's totally fair to blame the teenagers for this - at school, children and teenagers are often micromanaged to within an inch of their lives. Much as teachers would love pupils to make their own decisions, they have to make sure the pupils do it Ofsted's way, to tick the right boxes. In our risk-averse society, the days of letting them learn by fending for themselves are long gone.

I'm a tutor, and I have to really persuade teenagers to look stuff up, even in their own textbooks or class notes. I'm always telling them that I should be the second place to go for help, not the first. If they do ask me how to do something I told them last week, I usually reply "let's see what we wrote down last week". And it's rare that they manage their own appointments with me: so often I do it through their parents.

Also, I don't know if present-day primary school teachers do this, but some of mine in the 1980's systematically humiliated pupils who did anything without being told.
"Johnny, did I say 'put your coat on'?! Come up here! Class, Johnny thinks it's clever to start putting his coat on when I haven't yet told you to. You're not going out to play now, Johnny. (Five seconds later) Right, class, now it's time to put your coats on." I kid you not. Johnny was well and truly punished for taking initiative.

3 teens here..... Different scales of uselessness.
Have previously been impressed by ds 14's willingness to make cups of tea.
Until I saw him squeeze the tea bag out with his fingers. .
The lad who watches TV /games - with a hand down his pants.
Grim.

I never understand the "get them to do their own washing" thing. Surely it's simpler to wash everyone's stuff together. They could put a wash on, and that should be encouraged, but to be honest, people learn to use a washing machine in minutes the second they have to.

I do get what you say though. Mine are a bit the same but they soon learn when they leave home, it's just easier to ask than think.

I find it hard to comprehend that my DS passed his food tech GCSE yet seems incapable of preparing a simple meal.

Did anyone see a documentary following first year uni students a few weeks ago, it was shockingly depressing?

@Ragwort I didn't see it, but I strongly suspect they picked the most "dependent on their parents" students they could find.

I think it is hard for teenagers nowadays, through no fault of their own. I really longed for independence, but it seemed I was in the minority: I was the only one who went to university open days without my parents; I arranged my own accommodation, and after university, I found my own place to live. But I could easily have got it very wrong.

It's not as simple as adults saying to the teens "go and Google it". There is also the very difficult life skill of knowing who to trust, and when to believe what you read. Most of us know better than to read the Daily Mail for how men should behave with women, but an impressionable teen might believe everything they read, because it's there in black and white. Also, not specifically a teenage issue, but it's so easy to Google something in good faith, and get your hands burnt. Someone on Moneybox this afternoon Googled the number for HMRC, and paid £££ because it was a premium rate number which connected to HMRC. Avoiding such pitfalls is one thing that can make "adulting" very difficult, and why many adults want to protect teenagers by doing everything for them.