How to help DS w friendship issues

[JustDanceAddict]

DS is not happy w his main friendship group. He’s in Year 10 and has a group of all boys, some of whom he’s been friends with since year 7 and some later arrivals. I would say there are about 6 of them. The issue is he’s being left out and he’s not happy about it, but he won’t talk to me about it either. For example last weekend they had a sleepover at one of the boys’ - who he’s seen on his own a lot so they’re proper friends - and he wasn’t asked. He’d seen him in the holidays a couple of times and the see each other a lot so I don’t understand as nor did he.
He’s got a few other friends that he sees but I think he’s seeing them more because he’s fed up with his group.
Easy to say ‘don’t bother with them then’, but then he has to start all over, and in year 10 it’s hard.
He won’t speak to me about it really but just says he’s not happy (if he wasn’t bothered it would be ok if that makes sense). I do have a feeling one of the boys ‘controls’ the group and I’ve never had a good feeling about him but that’s just a vibe.
How can I speak to him without him shutting down? I find it much harder with him than with DD. I tried to get dh to speak to him
Last night but he chickened out.

I think it's best not to try to discuss it if it's bothering him when you do. At age 15-16 they're becoming young adults and while we'd always prefer our children to share their worries, they just don't always want to.

I had a similar phase and remember that when my Mum asked me about it, I felt almost ashamed...like I'd failed in some way.

It is a phase...it's just that they're all changing as they grow and moving apart is natural.

How did you know he'd not been asked to the sleepover?

This is quite common to be fed up of the same kids every day and not feel what happens is right

Maybe they are all into something he disagrees with? Drugs porn girls smoking drinking etc so they don’t invite him?

Great on his own for Xbox or cinema etc but not in a group if he’s disapproving

Which is a good thing! He’s able to make his own decisions and stand his ground and not be a sheep.

Let him deal with it

Fortunes - He told me he wasn’t asked. He def wanted to be.
Green - he’s no saint and has drunk but he’s not into vaping etc. I know a couple of his friends are. It is prob more this as he’s still online with them all and no major fall out. He has been left out before so it’s not first time. That was cod another boy came in to group temporarily and he didn’t like ds.
It is a tough time I agree. DD has found her crowd now at 16 but DS was always popular so this is new for him.

I never think he’d failed btw but I appreciate it’s tough and want to help. It took me a while to find my tribe too.,

Well as a popular kids it easier to be knocked of the top by (especially a new) kid

Kids seem to pay an awful lot of attention to new kids and then decide if they are worth keeping as friends or not - the new kid probably saw your son as competition, so actively listed him from the group - happens to grown ups as well but more so woman.

@JustDanceAddict

I think I remember you posting about your dd a few years back as I was going through the same thing with my dd, I'm glad things are better for both of our DDs now.

My other dd has had a more smooth journey with friends, however, every time she does have a small falling our or feels left out or is just annoyed by someone, I go straight into full panic internally although outwardly I try not to show it. At one point I even came onto mumsnet to find out info about homeschooling and while I was doing this, the situation would resolve itself by end of the week or even the next day! I projected my worst fears onto the situation. I don't think you are being as extreme as me but there might be a bit of it going on here.
Step back a bit and just watch to see how things unfold. It may blow over in a few weeks. In meantime gently encourage other activities and family outings, I appreciate your dh may not want to chat about it but is there something they can do together as father and son?

There’s def some of a power struggle going on.
Oh well he’s gone out with another friend who isn’t part of this group now. Thankfully he has other mates too!

Thanks Bless. Yes I think I am panicking as DD had a crappy time friends wise as she found it hard to make them and her group wasn’t cohesive. Now things are better for her but I’m prob worrying too much with DS. He’s v different from her though as has always had friends. Makes them easily but I suppose they’re all finding their way atm.