DSs favourite teacher passed away

[bogie]

Has anyone had any experience dealing with something like this?
Rumours are going around school although we haven’t had any confirmation of this that it was suicide.
I tried talking to him last night but he was getting upset. It was his very favourite teacher and he was only 35 years old. School are very good and have emailed out saying there are staff members available to talk to the kids if they need it but I was wondering how to approach the subject here at home. I don’t want to push it if it is making him upset but I don’t want to ignore it if he feels he wants someone to talk to.

Two of my children's friends were murdered and a lovely teacher of my daughter's died over the summer break one year, one of her friend's was also diagnosed with a rare form of cancer during their final year at school. On each occasion school put counsellors and support into place and helped the children access help if it was needed. As a parent I made sure the kids know I was there for them if they needed to talk, my daughter found therapy in art whereas my son found it from getting outside and doing what he loved to do.

My adored, wonderful teacher died in a car crash when I was in year 4. I will never forget my mother's face when she got the phone call, or the utter misery I felt. The absolute worst thing was going into school and having people want us to talk about it. These were group discussions though, and we couldn't opt out. My parents ended up keeping me home for about 10 days until the discussions kind of stopped and we had a new teacher.

I know that I was a completely different age from your son and this was a different process, but I just wanted to share my experience. To me the discussions were unbearably glib and phoney, and I would end up sobbing uncontrollably.

The thing that helped me was just time passing.

I am so sorry your son is going through this, and of course sorry for everyone affected. Your son might feel that some of the kids at school are gossiping, spreading rumours, and turning grief into some kind of weird exaggerated or fake thing. This might be something he would want to tell you about, as it can feel very upsetting.

I would also suggest taking him to the GP and seeking personal counselling of some kind. Also make sure he has access to the Samaritans contact detail (keep it by the landline phone).

My DC have found "school grief" a bit fake but something you can't speak about.

If it was suicide, there might be a chance that pupils will feel they contributed to it in some way (eg if they’d given him a hard time) so I would stress that anyone who does this will have lots of things going on in their lives to lead to it, it won’t be because you were rude last period. Children (especially younger ones) can find it hard to imagine teachers having a life outside school so anything they do must be connected to the pupils, iyswim. Of course rumour mills run rampant and you can’t assume it was that because people are saying it. He might still want to talk about it when others have forgotten, since he was significant in your ds’ life.

Give him time. ds was 10 when my dad died, he was ok-ish when distracted but at bedtime was distraught thinking about it. I just lay with him, and we didn't talk much in the beginning other than to say its ok to cry when someone you loved/cared for dies and we just lay there in silence. He stopped crying sooner and sooner and we talked when he initiated it and I answered questions as he asked them, never pushed or pressured. Knowing it was ok to feel like you'd never stop crying, but would, and having someone close was enough.

on the specific topic of suicide, ds's cousins mum (my DSIL) died from suicide, they werent especially close (lived other side of country) and he was not as upset. I explained it as an illness but of the mind and he seemed to accept that. I was careful not to explain in the early days we should watch out for people incase he felt some responsibility but we have had conversations about friends struggling and the type of support that is healthy since.

My dad was a teacher and when he died the outpouring from the pupils was amazing. It was a tough school and he taught a core subject so not anything fun. We got so many letters from pupils saying how he’d helped them and what they remember.
Thinking of it that way might help. What did he learn from the teacher? What will he remember?
Schools can be like families.