Ds(16) has no friends.

[Izzabellasasperella]

Ds has just turned 16 has no friends that he socialises with. He says he has friends at school but he doesn't meet up with them out of school or have any contact on social media.
He is a very quiet and gentle boy I think he has some social anxiety/shyness
I have tried to interest him in hobbies or clubs but he really doesn't want to do this.
How can I help him? Should I go to his school? I'm hoping they may be able to give me an idea as to how he is socialising there.
He has an older sister that he gets on well with and likes to spend time with us. Also he does do a hobby once a week with his Dad but this is in the house with no contact with people his age.
Any help and ideas would be great.

Are you projecting your own feelings on him?

If he's happy then leave him alone. If not, then ask him what he'd like to get involved with.

I think that you can encourage and come up with gentle suggestions but you can only lead a horse to water, you can’t make it drink - he has to be interested in trying.
Could the hobby with Dad evolve to be more outgoing?
Sounds like your daughter could be a help in terms of including him in some stuff occasionally if she is willing.
I have come to the conclusion that most kids of that age don’t have such fabulous social lives as social media would lead us to think. I know some do but I’m not sure they are the norm.

My DS didn't socialise outside school until he hit 6th form in September. Now he is permanently texting or whatever it is they do these days meeting up with friends, going places after school and going to concerts etc. It's all come as a bit of a shock!!

He did seem to have friends at school, seemed happy, and mixed with others beyond his class/year due to an activity he does at school. I had encouraged activities like Explorer Scouts etc, but he just wasn't really interested.

If your DS seems happy I wouldn't try to get too involved. I assume that this is GCSE year so possibly little peer pressure to be constantly socialising may be a good thing?

Thanks for your replies.
I'm not projecting my own feelings, I had friends at his age,went to youth club, met up and hung out(prob got up to a little to much mischief!) Dh was also out and about( of course this was in the days before gaming and tech)
My daughter and her boyfriend do take him out sometimes but she has a busy life with work/college and bf.
The hobby is really a family thing although he could play it elsewhere I think he would be to shy to find others who are into it.
He says he is happy and turns down gentle suggestions I have, such as meeting up with his friends in town or inviting them for tea.
His sister's bf suffered from social anxiety when he was younger and took medication for it. Ds did ask a while ago whether he could go to the gp and get some tablets to help him but I didn't think that was a good idea.
I just want him to be happy. I think he is but at times he seems bored and lonely.
Seeline I'm hoping he may blossom after he's left school.

I'm not projecting my own feelings, I had friends at his age,went to youth club, met up and hung out

I don't think the PP who asked if you might be projecting meant that you might be projecting your own loneliness (past or present) - I took it to be asking whether you're assessing your son to be happy/unhappy based on your own values and personality as opposed to his.

I think the point was that some kids are fine with not socialising much.

I think many children live like this now and it's hard for us to understand.

I socialised a lot at 16 but my DS, like yours, spends all his time at home. Seems to play games online with friends and has mates at school but doesn't socialise beyond this. He often seems bored but won't do anything about it.

I'm hoping things will improve once he's at sixth form and also when he learns to drive as he likes to be independent but there's no public transport where we live.

I'm trying not to worry about it but it's not easy.

yes longines that's what I meant.

If he feels medication may help him then it does sound as if he would like more of a social life. All you can do is continue making gentle suggestions, although be careful about making him feel inadequate and making him feel he should be socialising when actually he's ok doing his own thing.

TBH a lot of teens seem to be like your DS now. I too, think it's sad as I have fond memories of socialising, but that seems to be the way of the modern world. Maybe it's an extension of not being allowed out when they were young, as we were in the good old days.

@Izzabellasasperella I agree with @Yulebealrite

I think yes continue to make suggestions but don't make it the main topic of your conversations with him, you don't want him to define his worth on how much he socialises. Regarding this hobby, can you ask your dh to play it with ds outside the home and interact with others.

There are many reasons why he may not be socialising: he could have friends at school but they are not completely his tribe so doesn't see the point in hanging out with them outside of school; he could be an introvert and finds socialising too energy sapping and prefers his own company or it could be social anxiety/shyness.

Try not to worry too much, I know its hard as I have been there.

Try not to worry OP, he is old enough to seek out more friends and social life if he wanted to but still young enough to be finding his way in the big wide world of socialising. I see it as some kind of spectrum, at one end there are people who are out or have to have company all the time and at the other people who are quite the opposite.

I think it is a road to nowhere to expect our DC to be like we were at their age, they are different personalities and the world is a different place.

It is great that you are looking out for him but I think the best thing you can do is listen to what he wants and steer gently if needed. It is great that he enjoys spending time with his family, it doesn't mean he won't be able to cope doing anything away from you in the future.

Is he Year 11 or 12? My DD is 16 in sixth form and her social life has blossomed since September. She’s got a really nice group of new friends who are much more like her - and she’s just more confident generally. She did NCS in the summer which helped massively - might be good for your DS to do that post-gcse if he’s year 11. Check it out online. She still sees the group - mainly in the hols now - and they WhatsApp a lot (none of them go
To school with her).
DS is 14 and he does have one friend who doesn’t really go out but it’s def his decision. DS gets pissed off with him
As he’ll make an arrangement with him and them the friend will blow out at last minute so DS won’t ask again (ok if a group but not one to one). Do you know if your DS is refusing invites or just not interested? Has he always liked his own company?
Keep me boosting his self-esteem in other ways. Could he volunteer? DD has also done that and met some interesting people.