Advice with setting boundaries/rules for 15 DSD coming to live with us

[BG2015]

My DP DD is coming to live with us after relationships with her grandparents broke down. (Her mother moved abroad and DSD doesn't wat to live over there - whole other story)

She is 15 and in Year 11 and goes to school locally. We have just been to discuss the situation with her grandaparents and what I can gather is she is:
Mixing with the wrong crowd
No respect towards her Nanna (grandad tells her no and has set some boundaries with her which she responds to)
Staying out late and claiming to be at friends houses but staying elsewhere
Not eating
Very spoilt and entitled, tantrums, screaming at Nan
Bright but grades at school have slipped recently and mock results have not been good.
We suspect she may have been smoking weed

She stays with us once a month or so and is quiet, respectful which is obviously all for our benefit.

She is welcome here (I have a DS same age) but I think we need to have some very, very firm boundaries before she arrives. DP hasn't parented her fulltime since he and his ex split 11 years ago. And apart from weekends away and an odd holiday he hasn't spent much extended time with her.

We do think that Nan has allowed a lot of this behaviour to go on just for an easy life. She is very angry with her daughter for basically dumping her daughter on her.

My DS is a typical teenager, messy but relatively well behaved. We need help in how to handle this as I believe this isn't going to be all plain sailing.

Very tricky
It'll be upsetting as she's being dumped again.
Can you build up contact slowly rather then she's kicked out by gp.
I'd be wanted the same rules for both children, but it doesn't sound like they really know each other.
Make it so they both earn good things rather than punishments.

At the moment DS has to put dirty washing in his basket otherwise it doesn't get washed and his room has to be tidy in order to get a lift anywhere.

He has to be home by 10pm at weekends (he's usually only around his friends playing on computer games) and 9pm in the week but he doesn't really go out much during the week in Winter.

He's got a Saturday job and works hard at school. We eat our main meal together.

DSD Nan was very teary and angry at our meeting and has got high blood pressure, she's at the end of her tether. She was hospitalised recently and the doctor has told her she's heading for a stroke.

DP is taking control now and will be going against his exes wishes - whose thousands of miles away and can do bugger all anyway.

I think consistency is very important with teens. So if your DS has rules then they should Apply to DSD. Make it clear right from the off what the rules are and what the sanctions are.

But I think you also need to make sure they are age appropriate and time appropriate. So a 15 yr old might not be allow things that a 16 yr old is. And a time frame on a school night is diferent from a weekend night or a holiday night.

I also think dialogue and commication is important. Ask her what she wants, what she tinks is important.

And only say No if you have to. Think about why you are saying no and give them the Reason.

Thanks.

I think we should sit both kids down and state our expectations from them both. It will reinforce rules for my son and set them for DSD.

It's scary though

I think Frenchfancy is spot on. Consistency, fairness and a two way dialogue.

Please don't go in all guns blazing. Say you are really looking forward to her living with you and ask her if there is anything she would like to do? A club? A sport? A hobbie? And say you are happy for her to do that. Then after the positive just say, as you maybe know DS has some house rules he has to follow and as she is now living here too she will be expected to do they same. After getting the rules out of the way... maybe ask her if she would like to go shopping for things for her new room? Or as a celebration for her moving in she could pick a restaurant? Then just remind her when she is going out.. ooo btw be back by x time! See you then! Do you need picking up?

It’s a really hard time for her to adjust being in Year 11 as well.

I’d also recommend meeting with her head of year to get the low down on how things are going at school. It will help her having a united knowledgeable front. She might pretend she doesn’t like you knowing or want boundaries but secretly she will be thrilled that someone cares enough.

Thanks for these ideas they are great.

We are also going to talk about meals as we cook from scratch and sit down together every evening.

The ideas about her room are good too. I'm trying to make my DP talk about how he's going to deal with bad behaviour before it happens but it's difficult to pre-empt.

I personally think she needs some counselling either through school or CAHMs but that's a discussion down the line. This is really going to test our relationship and I want to feel prepared.