Unrealistic teen girl

[Verbena37]

Hi,
Dd (almost17), has always been treated with respect from us, taught right from wrong, given our love and attention, yet she thinks she can regularly ask for things and if we decline, she goes into a hissy fit.

She doesn’t seem to understand that you don’t have to have a large birthday celebration for every single birthday. She simply says she will be having a large group of friends to do some kind of celebrating every year. We paid for her and a friend to have a spa day last year and I guess she will be wanting to do something for her 18th next year. I just don’t understand where all of this want comes from.

We are ok financially but never spoilt her, just because. She doesn’t have a job any more and won’t give up her dancing on Saturday mornings...meaning there are very few Saturday jobs she can do.

She suffers with quite serious social anxiety so we have said ok to no job at the moment with her focussing on her A Levels, as long as she doesn’t take the pee asking for stuff.

I tried to chat to her about degree courses today and she seems to think she can do a 3 or 4 Yr degree, followed by another 2 Yr course at college to get further quals! She just seems out of touch with reality but when I try to talk to her about it all, she gets really snippy and yells at me.

In addition, I mentioned her having more responsibility at home as she does very little to help me. She replied that because I don’t currently work, everything in the house is my job!
She doesn’t bring her washing down, doesn’t ever off to hoover, dust, clean her own en suite etc. She will bring her cups down if I ask her....but only when she is next coming down.

At her age, I helped bring in shopping for my mum, did ironing if the basket was full, made my bed,fed the pets, hoovered, dusted if asked etc.
She just seem to want to live in the real world.

Any advice on how I can get her to talk calmly about it all. Can anyone recommend any good books either she or I could read? I want her to be helpful and kind, not a lazy little monkey who thinks she is immune to normality."

Surely every teen should be able to have a decent birthday celebration every year (assuming their family are not living on the breadline)? And Uni choices are paid for by student loans/government decided parental contributions, so you will only be asked for a reasonable, means tested amount of parental contributions. If she wants more money while at Uni, she will have to get a weekend or holiday job like all students. But expecting her to only look at short courses just so you don't have to pay your means tested contribution is just mean.

I don't know many 6th formers who have jobs on top of their heavy A-level workload - and unlike others, I think that dancing is a brilliant extra curricular, and personally, I'd encourage it. It'll be good for both her mental and physical health.

With regard to housework, yes, of course she should keep her room and ensuite tidy, bring her cups down, put her washing in the basket etc, but she's studying and you're at home, so I don't really see why you think general housework should fall to her. She's 16, with social anxiety. You still need to parent her, and look after her - she's not yet an adult.

What courses is she talking about doing at university?

You often don’t talk about post grad courses until you’ve started so that you can see if you’re any good at the undergrad ones! Are they sensible courses which show she has ambition or just courses that are prolonging getting an actual job?

Surely every teen should be able to have a decent birthday celebration every year (assuming their family are not living on the breadline)?

It depends what you are meaning by decent. Fun or expensive?

I’m quite happy to facilitate a sleepover or pizza at ours with friends, but if she wanted me to pay for a party one year, a spa day for her and a friend another year, dinner for 10 friends etc etc-those things are pricey and that might start to become her actual present!

mrsm
Surely every teen should be able to have a decent birthday celebration every year (assuming their family are not living on the breadline)?
she’s always had quite pricey birthdays so we aren’t being mean. Horse riding party, spa day at Center Parcs, festival summer party in the garden (not birthday), Halloween parties, 10 kid sleep overs etc

And Uni choices are paid for by student loans/government decided parental contributions, so you will only be asked for a reasonable, means tested amount of parental contributions.
i was asking her if a zoology degree was the right choice when most zoos ask for college level 3 animal management. She said she could do degree then 2 Yr animal management afterwards!

I think that dancing is a brilliant extra curricular, and personally, I'd encourage it.
we do encourage it. She is brilliant and loves it. However, she is currently in a £6/hr group lesson of 3 and she wants me to drive a 30 mile round trip after school and pay £30 for a private lesson, whilst entertaining our son who has ASD. She wants to be Janette Manrara but is choosing zoology as a fallback option!

I don't really see why you think general housework should fall to her. She's 16, with social anxiety. You still need to parent her, and look after her - she's not yet an adult.
i didn’t mean general housework to replace what I do. I want her to offer a bit of help like whizzing the hoover round her room or the lounge if I’m busy with something and ask her to help out.

Parenting toddlers was soooo much easier!!

I think you’re saying that you give her nice holidays and birthdays and she does nothing in return?
I would def put my foot down on the house stuff - she is old enough to do most things round the house so can certainly keen her own area clean and tidy and clear up after herself in the kitchen.
I don’t see an issue for her wanting to celebrate her bday with friends. I’d pay for that, and do. However, she’s not linking that to the fact you would like to see her do more around the house in return.
Not sure what you mean re the college thing? My dd can’t wait to go to uni away from home and gain independence but it will be a shock to her I’m sure.