Comfort eating DD14 2 stone increase in 8-9 months and climbing

[Dehugdrated]

I’m hoping for a bit of advice to support eldest dc who is 14. She told me she comfort eats and I have seen lots of empty packets in her room. Family packets of chocolate buttons, family packets of crisps, boxes and boxes of 6 cakes are just a few examples. Enough empty packets to fill a bin liner were under her bed at one point. I have had gentle conversations with her where I’ve tried to listen and not shame her. She is very sensitive about it. She has had a miserable time at secondary school and was very lonely and picked on. Since September this has improved a lot and she now has a reasonable social life but it is as though she is in the habit of comfort eating and she says she can’t stop.

She must spend all spare money she has on junk to eat. I know that she goes to Poundland to get the biggest portions she can for her money. She has swimming coaching for 30mins a week, 4 ballet classes a week plus PE at school but her need for comfort food exceeds the exercise she’s takes. Outside of these classes she lies on her bed watching videos and seems very lethargic.. This holiday we’ve played tennis, but she won’t join in, I asked her to cycle to the shops with me and we could have a coffee. She’s not really interested as it’s too effortful.

I’ve focused on keeping active to keep healthy and encouraged us all to eat a range of balanced foods. This isn’t having much impact. Her skin used to be beautiful but she seems to be losing that now.

She keeps going to her dance classes which is great, despite knowing that she is the only girl there who is overweight. For context, she took dance seriously and competed to a high level(national) which she has dropped slowly over a year . Her dance partners weren’t keen to keep partnering her. She also has social communication difficulties so we are used to this happening. But her dad saw her in about her last competition and spoke to me privately about how she looked completely out of place with anyone else in the week long competition. It’s all so sad. I didn’t mind if she wanted to stop or continue comps. These things run their course. I just want her ruining her health and ending up hating the way she looks (even more than she already does). Her new friendship group has made a few comments about her eating that has stung her.

This feels like it’s only going to get a lot worse and that I could make it worse by saying the wrong thing. The last time we spoke about it I did ask her to think about making some choices about what comforts her. Her weight gain is so rapid. She was size 6-8 and now 14-16. There are no scales involved, so I am guessing about the actual amount gained in 8 months or so. ( I can feel fat bulges on her back when she hugs me and she has a very protruding tummy. It’s not simply that she’s bigger all over), Am I best off leaving this alone and seeing where it ends up?

Hi. I was your daughter 30 years ago. It’s never really about the food, which is a symptom of self harm.

I would speak to her and say that you’re concerned that she doesn’t seem happy and be ready to listen. On the food, I would empathise that you love her as she is, though if she ever wants to do anything about it, speak to you and you would help her. It may also be good for her to have some counselling. Maybe take her away for a special weekend just the two of you? Have something for her to look forward to and fixate on something else.

Your poor DD. It’s so hard and I totally get what a difficult balance it is.
Can you sit down and say you’ve noticed she isn’t herself and ask how you could help her? Her GP could help if you could get her to see them although that’s hard.
I think family healthy meals and encouraging exercise is absolutely the right way to go...
And this may be a total curveball but you mention protruding stomach rather than weight gain all over... any chance she could be pregnant?

I can't stand all the gentle gentle, don't mention the car nonsense.

She's 14. She's still your child. She lives in your house. You are in control of what she eats. If she's spending her money on junk then no more pocket money. She is eating too much. She has admitted it. So don't give her the means to buy piles of cakes and biscuits. Don't allow eating in her room. It's your house. You make the rules.

*fat not car

You say you’ve had gentle conversations with her, but what was the outcome of these conversations? You need to have an action plan that she is happy with. Have another conversation and ask how you can support her.

If she was still miserable at school then it would be different - you’d need to tackle that first, before expecting a healthy eating plan to work. But if that is much better then now is the time to improve her diet.

No amount of exercise is going to help if she’s bingeing on choc, crisps and cakes.

Do you have a friend who shed be more comfortable talking to?

Thanks for the replies. DD sees a counselor weekly and is currently having 6 weeks with a psychologist about her social communication and sensory difficulties. This plus improvements in her social situation make me think that, as pp have said, that perhaps this is the right time to make a plan with her that she will accept. She suggested giving me all her receipts but then this hasn't happened. Perhaps we should move to packed lunches instead of school lunches. Then there won't be the option to eat chips and cakes at school and I can limit pocket money to buying what she wants for her. Then she has returned to healthier habits, we can look again at her independence. I can envisage that she may respond positively to feeling dp and I are taking more control..

Pp who suggested it is a type of self harm is probably right. It also confirms that she needs more direct support to seek other kinds of comfort. It's not going to be easy. She doesn't tend to even like hugs or a touch on the arm.

Your DD sounds v similar to mine, whose weight is now 12 stone plus at 14. I have tried the softly approach, thinking it’s not really about the food, but in truth, she overeats whether sad or quite happy, so I have done what others suggest and changed to packed lunches, made sure we don’t have any unhealthy food in the house and encouraged sport wherever possible as well as stress the health issues - diabetes potential etc. I tried our gp twice, and gently raised the issue there with dd present, but the gp wouldn’t even weigh her - so nervy are they about fuelling an alternative eating disorder. I can’t say anything I have done yet has worked but I can’t think of anything else - so am totally sympathetic and will follow this thread closely. If she did lose just a little noticeable weight, I think her self confidence would sky rocket.

Not sure about restricting pocket money? Won’t she just use money she gets for her birthday/Christmas etc. Mine would (all her pocket money goes on her phone in any case).

I would totally recommend getting her the book "The Goddess Revolution" by Mel Wells. Its brilliant. Also maybe something to replace the binging like adult colouring books or something along those lines.

If she's seeing a psychologist anyway, has she mentioned her binge eating behaviour? He/she would probably have some tips to address it?

She could be addicted to carbs/sugar now so it might be worth taking control (with her agreement and input) and look into a healthy eating plan that is more based on protein and complex carbs.
Something like a low gi diet or a Mediterranean diet.

Thanks for the suggestions. Unfortunately dd is not open to any discussions about healthy eating or a plan to improve her health and well being. She says she will find her own plan on her own. I guess I messed up that discussion then! This is so hard. Since Christmas day we've done an activity of some sort every day. We joined in with half of them. Friends brought over a box of after eights and I noticed they are almost gone.

Sounds like binge eating disorder - a specialist charity might have useful info and advice.

Sorry but are you the one cooking the meals? Are you the one doing the family food shop?

She's 14. She eats what you give her. When those after wifhrs were brought round, you should have put them away somewhere she wouldn't know to look and has them after she was in bed.

At her age, you are still in control of what she eats in your home. So don't feed her anything other then well balanced meals. She doesn't necessarily need to lose weight. She just needs to maintain. She's still growing and developing, so maintaining her weight and preventing any extra weight gain should be your goal. If you want her to lose weight, check with your GP first. But you need to be in control of what food she gets whilst in your care.

Maybe read the thread Chris? Balanced meals are eaten at home and physical activity is encouraged every day. The point is that she goes to Poundland and buys family packets of crisps and junk that she eats alone. One packet of choc hasn't caused this situation.

I would definitely get her on packed lunches. Our school canteen is great in theory but with 1100 kids and 40 minutes for lunch it's way too easy for them to resort to 'grab & go' options - burgers, pizza, wedges, paninis etc, rather than a decent 'proper' meal.

Is there anyway you can restrict her ability to buy additional junk food?

Would she consider joining a gym or some exercise classes - maybe Bodyjam or Zumba if she likes dance.

My DD is 14 and fell into a comfort eating habit when her dad I split up 2.5 years ago. Early this summer she decided enough was enough. I signed us both up for gym, which she loves (and she's not the sporty type at all), started doing her salads for lunch each day and making healthier dinners, keeping fewer snack foods at home. She's lost 18lb so far and dropped almost 2 dress sizes.

I think it is important that your DD wants to do it for herself though, so you may have to be patient and go for damage limitation in the meantime.