So upset with 14yo DS, need some advice

[lovely123]

Hi,

Hoping to get some advice as I am really struggling to think of an effective way to deal with recent events.
A bit of backstory, we are a close-knit solid family with good/traditional values - we have 3 DC.
DS is now 14 and has always been a live wire, cocky, confident but academically bright.
He is a grammar school and academically doing ok with a good group of friends.
However, his dad has confiscated his phone for another issue and I allowed him to use my phone for 5 mins yesterday so he could complete his streaks on snapchat but as a result, the app remained open on my phone and I intentionally snooped and came across a message between him and a girl which revealed a very inappropriate conversation, containing sexual tones and by the end of the chat it was clear it was my DS that was pushing his luck with this girl.
This has really upset me and I feel so let down that he thinks it is ok to be offensive and use sexual terms with this girl, even after she had asked him to leave her alone!
How do I deal with this?

His dad does not know about this or he will lose the plot with him.

Why did you undermine his dad? No wonder he’s doing shit like he is when he knows any punishment will be got round by you.

When you say “pushing his luck” what exactly do you mean?

Close knit? Not if you and his dad aren’t working together to issue consequences.
You’re showing yourself to be open to manipulation and can’t see why he thinks he can push it with this girl?
Stop branding him a live wire and cocky as if it’s all positive and rein in his attitude and unacceptable behaviour.

Sorry I missed that he’d been offensive and sexually inappropriate even after she’s told him to stop it and leave her alone.

Question is, what are you going to do about it? If she was minded to do so she could call the police, and then he’d be in a world of trouble

You do need to speak to him about how inappropriate it is to use such language to a girl - particularly one who is not interested in him - and that he could actually get into trouble over it. Explain to him that not every girl is 'fair game', most aren't, and nobody likes being objectified.
Tell him he must leave her alone though it wouldn't hurt to say he is sorry but that's final. Make him feel embarrassed.

Then move on, remember he is only 14.

chat with him? gentle, sincere, grown up, not too long?

It must have been upsetting. But try not to be too disappointed. I think teens are surrounded with awful sexual mores, its seems to permeate our culture.

In the past perhaps parents could get away with not having these talks. But nowadays it seems to me not talking to your teens about love and sex is giving all the other cultural and social pressures all the power.

What @jessstan2 said X1000.

You need to sit down with him 1-2-1 and have a very calm conversation.

He's still a kid, and kids make mistakes, use it as a learning opportunity to help prevent this in the future. However, you do need to give him some VERY clear messages about consent.

Good luck!

Close-knit family with traditional values....values like letting DS use your phone when your husband has confiscated his ? Yeah right. And snooping on his Snapchat is tacky too. DS will have zero trust in you if you tell him you read his conversation with a girl.

If you want to retain your "close knit"values I'd suggest that you stop undermining your husband's rules and stop snooping on your son's privacy.

Explain to him that not every girl is 'fair game', most aren't

Eh?

Honestly, I don't really like this use of the word 'consent'.

It sounds like a weird tick box exercise. Ugly sexual propositioning to a young girl is pretty awful whether or not they give their "consent"!

I think you sound like a good parent, OP, and a concerned parent. Don't let people put you down who don't even know you. Sometimes I wonder about MN and the motives of people who come here .

I think st 14 you are within your rights to look at online chats, however you have to be prepared to see things that will shock you, I have been surprised when I’ve looked at DS’s messages, not sexual but things he prob should’ve told me.
Now you’ve looked you need to admit it and speak to him. And be a team w his dad and not let him keep
Up his streaks. It’s not life or death!!