Is it meant to be this upsetting?

[Liberated71]

Eldest is nearly 18 and vile at home. Started going to an evangelical church 2 years ago but we see none of the good Christian boy they see. He's rude and surly. Violent at times. Lazy. Smelly. But nothing is ever his fault! Need I go on? I cry about him and our relationship most days at present. I'm a single mum. He's my adopted child (I wasn't a single parent when we adopted). He has no contact with his adopted father. I know there's plenty for him to be angry and upset about but he just wont speak. Most days I'm lucky to get a grunt out of him. He only speaks to me when he wants something. When can I say enough is enough?

When you say we, is there another adult home? What’s he doing with his time other than going to church? Is he studying or working or a bit of both? What’s his plan for next year?

If you think he’s being unbearable, coukd you take him out for a meal, just you 2? Tell him how much you love him and how you understand all the things he’s gone through. Listen to what he says but explain if you can can gently that you really love, but it’s time this behaviour stopped. You want to be able to treat him like an adult, but he needs to start by being kinder and nicer at home.

Hi liberated. I'm an adoptive mum too. My daughter is 23 and our relationship is terrible. It's complicated by the fact she developed a severe mental illness at 17.
She has always had this thing that nothing is her fault too and still does.
She moved out at 18 to her own flat because she didn't want to live with us anymore. She is now at uni which we are funding -despite the fact that she continues to treat us like dirt -because we want to give her a chance.
She refuses to try to work in the holidays or come home. We can't see her homeless so have continued to pay her rent through the holidays. It's not looking hopeful that she will work after uni so goodness knows what we will do then!
Honestly I have felt like walking away but something deep inside me cares too much about her to do that.
I have no answers. All I can say is try to do things for you. See friends and enjoy your own life. It is very sad. I had hoped my daughter will one day see what we've done for her but time moves on and it isn't looking likely.

Your son is still young though. Have you asked him if he would consider counselling or family therapy while he is still at home?
I think it's harder when they are adopted as they often have the idea at the back of their mind that if they lived with their birth parent things would be ok!

Sorry about the rambling...just know you are not alone!

Thanks both. He wouldn't come for a meal with me. He won't speak. He was told to go for counselling after he assaulted me last year but reckoned the counsellor said he was fine and didn't need to go. He is just so unpleasant. I'm so upset. I don't want him to live away (he'll make out I'm kicking him out) but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this.

He's an adult.
Treat him like you would any other adult who was aggressive abusive or assaulted you.

Is he at college or working OP?
What does he hope to do with his life?

He's at college. First year of level 3 public services. Resitting English and maths. He had to do a year at level 2 last year as he failed all his GCSEs (also not his fault). He wants to be an raf pilot. But won't work to pass his essential exams (again not his fault)
He hasn't washed or showered for nearly a week - nor cleaned I'm his teeth. I wouldn't chose to share my life with an adult who acted like he does. But I'm his mum and all the theories say he's pushing his boundaries, has self esteem issues etc... but I can't get through to any of that. He won't engage. Will only blame.

Can you go to the church with him? There might be someone there who can mediate?

Thanks dancemom. I am going to try to speak to the youth worker there.

Another adoptive parent here.

My eldest was lovely until she went to college just turned 16. She fell madly in love with a nice-but-useless lad, and the hard working ambitious, well spoken, enthusiastic DD went out the window. I had to stop caring so much as I was cracking up. Now over 3 years later she is still with us but it feels like we are marking time. I can't see it getting better until she moves out or dumps BF.

Why not go and speak to the leaders of the church?

Adopted or not, forever family or not, you don't deserve to be hit in your own home. Tell him next time it happens you will contact police and that it might screw up his career. Then phone the police next time it happens.

I would speak to the church and ask if they can get through to him. Do you know anyone who goes there?

Is he depressed? Does he have a good circle of friends?

It sounds very hard. My DD asked to move out so we helped her because at the time we just couldnt cope with her but actually it wasnt great as she ended up mixing with some pretty awful people as she was in supported flats.

Could you maybe put up with him while he is in education but at the point where that stops-either because he completes the course or gets kicked out- say that either he conforms to house rules (including clean teeth etc) or moves out. You could help him find somewhere and keep in touch at a distance.
Maybe the youth worker would know somewhere where he can rent a room?
That way at least you can have a plan in your own mind.

Do you think he might have mental health problems? My DD sometimes struggled with hygiene in the past but she does have mh issues.

It seems quite strange to me that he is so wrapped up in the church. Quite unusual for a young man? Do you think he is trying to replace his lost family?

I suspect the church thing is about finding a place in the world - there are far worse things he could be doing I suppose. I'm trying to ignore as much as possible but it's so hard.
Now isn't the time to be tackling him. We need to get thro Christmas and see where we are then 😢