18 year old man

[Hellsbells72]

My son is 18. We've not spoken/seen each other since August last year. There was a huge fight between myself and his dad (and. My sons girlfriend). Things were said, some nasty. But since then I've apologized for my part. I've missed his 18th, his College leaving and his progression into University. I've no idea where he is. I'm also concerned about his behavior will affect my youngest son as he looks up to his older brother (their dad and I are divorced my ex is very, very bitter about me leaving him after I'd ran scared after a beating). What do I do?. People say leave him be, he'll realise one say that he misses his mum'!. What do you think?. Thank you

keep the communication lines open by contacting him, offer to meet up for lunch, ask if he needs anything, tell him you miss him, ask where you can send his christmas presens.
I've just reread your op... August last year... was he 17? Where did he go?

Is your younger son in touch with him?

Apart from you apologising and trying to keep the lines of communication open ( difficult if you don’t know where he is ) , I would stress the importance of you and your ex valuing the relationship with your children above any bitterness the pair of you may have with each other and letting that impact of future relationships with your son ( you mentioned your ex’s feelings ). It is also important that your 2 sons relationship doesn’t get destroyed by this . Time can be a healer - but may also be increasingly destructive as patterns of non-communication get entrenched.
Is there another family member ( grandparents/ aunt/ uncle) that can try to keep a good relationship going with him and be neutral re his parents issues? He needs a ‘safe space’ , in more ways than one.

Wait what do you say about your sons girlfriend and why?

Sorry , I see that things have been violent in your former marriage ... I missed that .
And , yes, it depends what happened regarding his girlfriend - and why .

I'm confused as to who argued with who? But regardless, he is your son. I would make contact, apologise again for your part in what happened, let him know that you still love him and that you'd like to have him back in your life if he is willing.

It doesn't really matter what the rights and wrongs of the situation are. Ultimately, life is short and - unless there is abuse involved - it's best to let bygones be bygones.

Hi All. Yes my eldest Son visits his dad every week so my younger son sees him. I've sent him cards on birthday and Christmas, and also sent letters apologising again and again. The ex is so bitter towards me that I think my eldest is on the same path!. He, obviously thinks it right behavior. Due to the violence from my ex I have PTSD, so at times my thinking is irrational, however things were said and apologise have been said also. I've told my eldest Son on many occasions that my door is open for him. And that I love and miss him, but nothing. My ex's first ex wife is on great terms with my ex and she and her family see more of my eldest than I do. I even asked her to talk to my eldest (mother to Luther) but got nothing back. I don't know what to do 😢 😢 Thank you

Are you getting or have had, any treatment for your PTSD?

So you fought with your ex, and DS1 has taken the ex's side despite knowing about the abuse you received?
I'd leave it. You can't make it happen. You've offered, and he's in touch with DS2 so will always be able to get back in touch through him.

Thank you for all your help people. As much as it hurts me. I'm going to leave him alone. I've just sent a 'last' letter stating that if he doesn't get in touch then it's his choice, I've apologized and I'll not keep apologizing. I've said that I love and miss him and that he'll not have anymore correspondence from me. Thank you again

Have you already sent the letter Hells? Can you get it back? I think sending him a last letter is very different to the advice you’ve received on leaving the door open for him to get back in touch with you at any time and might not have been the best idea.

Hi. Yes I can retrieve the letter. I just don't know what to do. I have to think of the implications of trying to get him back. The stress puts pressure myself, which in turn triggers my illness off 10 fold.

Can you go into more detail around the argument? It's hard to advise as we don't know the details of what happened. But as others have said... don't give up. No matter how hard it is, I believe that you must always leave a door open and keep fighting to get your child to forgive you.

I’d definitely get the letter back, from what you’ve said it sounds as if you’re saying he should contact you now or not at all and that’s something you may regret later. He may not be ready now, but he could be in the future.

Did you get any help from Refuge after or before your split from his Dad? Hace you had any counselling for your PSTD?

I got no help from refuge or anyone. I can't get the letter back now.