15 year old ds and drugs, Alcohol and secrets (warning - Long post)

[Matlow]

My 15 year old ds is in year 11 and just completed mocks. Did hardly any work but did ok and is predicted mostly A’s and a few B’s. He is not in any trouble at school and is a bright, funny nice boy.
However, at home he can be moody, secretive and spends huge amount of time with headphones on and isolated in his room. He has a strong friendship group but doesn’t go out that much but hangs out for an hour or so after school and maybe a couple of hours over the weekend.

His best friend is very low at the moment and has been to see a councillor. His mum is a very good friend of mine and she told me but made me promise not to say anything to my ds or anyone else. I have no idea if my ds knows his best friend is going through a hard time but up until now they have been each others main smoking buddies.

Since about last Christmas it has been evident that he and his friends have occasionally been smoking weed. This escalated over the summer holidays and they were spending quite a lot of time smoking in the park. I spoke to my ds about it and basically said that I would turn a blind eye as long as he didn’t smoke in the house, on school days or ever have anything on him on school premises and stuck to weed only.

Over the last few months we have caught him 3 times smoking out of his bedroom window. I suspect he may be smoking weed daily. A few weeks ago he came home on a Friday evening, seemed to be slurring his words, but not drunk and just fell asleep in all his clothes. I strongly suspected he had taken something like a tranquiliser or Xanax. I challenged him about this and he vehemently denied it saying he had felt tired and sick all day.

This weekend I found his weed stash whilst getting out the Christmas decorations. He knew I was getting the decorations so was either very stupid or wanted me to find them. My dp is working from home today and found a water bottle under ds bed with wine in it that he had snuck from the fridge. Again he must have known we would notice the wine missing from the fridge.

My dp and I argue endlessly about the dc’s and my lack of enforcing discipline on them. I acknowledge that I am not a disciplinarian and perhaps there have not been the required sanctions and boundaries put in place. I’ve always felt that talking openly with my ds would do the trick and punishment is a bit counterproductive. I went to boarding school where I racked up record numbers of black marks and detentions and it made me more determined to break the rules. I know I need to do something now though before things get out of hand. I am so worried that he is taking drugs and drinking on his own in secret which seems really sad and unhealthy. My dp wants amongst other punishments for ds to only be allowed in his bedroom with door open. I’m not really comfortable with that. Can anyone offer any experience or advice? Sorry this is so long

Are you insane? You agreed to a fifteen year old boy smoking weed, when you surely know it's a huge cause of mental health problems, never mind motivation problems, in young people?

Thanks for that Hollow Talk. I smoked weed at 15, as did most of my friends, and didnt grow up to be a manic depressive or drug addict. It was clear from speaking to other parents that the vast majority of kids were doing it, despite dire warnings etc. If ds was going to do it anyway, I thought if we put in some parameters then we could have some control over it. Guess I was wrong.

Unless you keep him under lock and key 24/7 I don’t think you can stop him, I managed to rant enough to stop mine smoking it in my home but he still comes home occasionally reeking of the stuff. I hate it. But I also used to use it in my teens. I managed to get a good education and job. I think talking is good. Sadly a little bit of acceptance and making sure you provide real information about the possible consequences. I don’t think teens are always capable of seeing those though. Sorry, I’m going through similar. I only wish I knew the answer.

I'm doing the same. Harm minimising by setting some parameters we will accept. No weed at home or stashed and no smoking during the week. No class As or alcohol, which he doesn't like. I don't wNt it shoved in my face either. He's doing ok at school now when he wasn't before, not running away from home getting into trouble etc and is otherwise fairly open. I feel it's the best we can hope for at the moment. I'm not interested in any other judgy CFs opinions otherwise.

Weed now is not like weed back in the day. It's a LOT stronger.

I'm sure there are a lot of Cool Mums like us who used to use it a fair bit. Sorry, but that doesn't make it OK for our kids to do it. Weed has moved on. And it can have a major psychiatric impact... you may not have been affected that way, but your kid is not you and doesn't have the same biochemistry. A 15yo brain is v v vulnerable to all this.

From various parenting studies (sorry, can't remember where), the advice is basically to lie to your kids about your own drug and alcohol use if you used to indulge a bit. This goes against the grain for me (and it may be a bit late for you), but it makes sense. Your kids will see what their parents did as definitely OK and probably a minimum level of consumption. They will also want to rebel and be a bit disobedient. Being too openly tolerant pushes that rebellion further out into dangerous territory.

TL;DR: Your current approach is clearly not working. He's your son, not your buddy.

Well you just have to say the same message all the time. Yes it could have an impact on their mental health and you need to inform them of all the risks realistically but that's all you can do. Keep talking to them too. It's very difficult and as you have found it puts a strain on relationships at home with the teenage years. Get advice from Frank if you need it. I haven't told my kid about my teenage experiences because it's none of his business. I just keep on going.

Thanks guys. My ds had clear guidelines about where the red lines were and yet repeatedly got caught smoking and drinking at home. I think it's really disrespectful that he doesn't care enough about what we think to make more effort to cover his tracks. So we are trying a different approach.

He is grounded till xmas unless it a school thing or he is with us. He has handed over his bank card, he has to turn lights and screens off at midnight and he has to have his bedroom door ajar. He is furious and thinks we are mental! This morning he got very upset and accused me of going through his coat pockets, taking his change and his zip card (I didn't).He says we are trying to ruin his life. I told him that we loved him more than anything in the world and because of that we had to protect him. He said "blah blah, just empty words". Think it's going to be a difficult weekend for everyone (except his little sister who is thrilled he is in trouble, though doesn't know why).
Having said all that, if he had stuck to just smoking weed occasionally at the weekend with his mates then we wouldn't be going through this "intervention".
Good Luck to everyone in the same position.

You’re doing a great job OP. You sound like a very caring mother. I hope all goes well. You are not alone. There’s lots of us really struggling with this problem. Keep posting if it helps. We all know the affect on their fragile young minds. It’s hard to keep perspective. They and we will get through it eventually. Stay strong.

My dd is also in year 11 and just started going to parties with both girls and boys this year. I have been stunned by the amount of drug taking especially amongst the boys. She says it seems they want to try something new at every party, which means it has escalated very quickly from weed and nos to ecstasy, ketamine, spice, coke... Most of them are still 15 fgs. I find it terrifying and am so pleased she's talking openly to me and don't want that to change.

My son is at the same school and 2 years behind, I'm so scared he'll get swept up into this as they seem to consider it normal.