STROPPY 13 yr old girls - please help

[kath60]

My almost 13 year old daughter is a stroppy little madamne for absolutely no good reason! Does anyone else experience this: One minute I'm a wonderful Mum and she loves me, the next minute I'm getting dagger looks and flippant answers and being generally badly treated and avoided like a plague(both my Partner and I get this treatment regularly, but poor man gets it much worse in a different way) Yes I know there are hormones at work, but surely this is not normal. Situation is slightly confused in that she hasn't totally accepted my partner of 5 years (thanks to bitter Dad (who wanted everything his way but didn't get it in the end thanks to a fair legal system) and 24 year old sister)- long story! Story is now Dad has a girlfriend and my daughter can't stand this intrusion and he no longer gives her any time. Here I am, and always have been, giving her loads of 'mum and daughter time' and all I get is a huge load of spite/hate/anger...what the heck have I done wrong?

I want to sit her down and read the riot act. I'm not new to this, but my 2 others are older and I'm out of practice with teens! Understandably, my patient partner is loosing patience.

Oh, to top it all off, I had a major operation a week ago yesterday (hysterectomy) and would have loved to think that I would have been given a tiny bit of support and a little reprieve from the stroppiness, but no.

Please help - I need a word of encouragment from anyone going/gone through something similar. Is it just my kid?

Kathryn - (angry)

You have done nothing wrong. This sounds like fairly normal teenage behavior. All my girls have done this at one time or another.
Remember she doesn't really hate you. Just carry on being there for her.
Can you talk to her about your hysterectomy and ask for a bit of support.

Oh, Kathryn, it's not just you, it's every teen. Mine has had me in tears of frustration before, she's so selfish. She's 13 & has some adorable friends, but their mums say they are little bu**ers too! They are the most badly behaved at home, because it's the place they can let off steam, and the nearest person to let off steam at... is Mum. Mine, too, hates me one minute, then snaps out of it when she wants something. She seems naturally selfish, I have been so upset before when, eg I was cooking & asked her to put washing in tumbledrier & she just said 'NO' & stropped out of the room. I withhold a treat for that, but she's stubborn.

I have started to give her anti-PMT tabs (Vit B6) - fingers crossed she seems better. I tell her it's a vitamin supplement (which it is!) Might be worth a try.

I'm afraid you have to look elsewhere for support, and don't let her see she's getting to you. You are not alone!

Thanks ladies, much appreciated. I'll try the B6, that could help, I'll do anything at this point! Its the 'selfishness' that gets me the most. Unfortunately, my 2 older girls are 19 and 24, different cases, but I think that they are very selfish too, only not quite as bad.

Take care x

Kathryn

oh god - currently there are threads on here about 7/8/9/ yr old girls, 17year old girls and now 13year old girls.
I was hoping there might be a break between moody phases. HELP!!
(i've got 2 dds if you hadn't guessed)
both rather dramatic already and under 7.

Hang tough and take heart..from what I've read about teenagers, and hormones girls seem to go through it worse than boys.

I've got 2 boys 12 and 14 and they can be bad, but my 10 yo step daughter is horrendous with her mood swings. She's lpoving and caring one minute, then the daughter from hell the next. At only 10 I'm dreading her teenage years. (she lives with us btw).
Don't take it personally. as someone else said, we tend to take out our moods on those we're closest to..normally mum. SAying that, it doesn't make it easier to take..just bear in mind she's letting her anguishes go on you, cos she's closest to you, cos she knows you wont let her down, cos she knows you'll always be there for her..which you are.
I've gone through a few rocky times with my 14yo son, similar to what you are going through, but it does change and get nice again........and just as you're enjoying the niceness again, they change back into grumps.
It's not easy being the mother of teenagers,or a step mother to daughters, but you have to cling on to the good times when they happen along.
Chin up xxx

My 'stroppy' teenager is a couple of months shy of 16 and is now coming out of the other side and becoming a reasonable young adult, who doesn't flounce out of the room, give us 'that look' and no longer appears to fluctuate between Jeckyl (sp?) and Hyde every few minutes . She still has her moments but these are getting fewer and far between. So take heart.

Like you, she and my husband of 5yrs, haven't exactly seen eye to eye over the last few years (since she was about 12 to be precise ) but their relationship has improved over the last year to the point where she now goes to him when she has a problem. I think the main reason for this change is that he started to put time aside for her where they could discuss their issues, without recrimination (like an amnesty).

She can basically say what she trully feels (no matter how hurtful) about any aspect of her life and she won't be punished (even if she swears at him which is a big no no ) and it isn't held against her afterwards. I am never told what is discussed unless dd has given dh permission to talk about specific issues. It was hard for me as her mum to accept this at first BUT now it's part of our family structure and it seems to be working.

Obviously it took a few talks to build up her confidence and belief in dh but now she feels confident that her views will be heard and dealt with.

So in answer to your original post, no it's not just your daughter, she will come through it. You just have to find the best way forward for your family. Your daughter is obviously feeling very hurt by her natural father, possibly even rejected if he's 'dropped' her for his new girlfriend and the only people she can take this anger out on are you and your partner - ironically because she knows that, come what may and whatever she does, you love her.

All you can do is continue to offer her love, to be there to support her and wait for her to work through her anger. Eventually it will come to rest at the door of the person who has caused the problem - my dd told her natural father to F* Off at Christmas when she was 14. This has been a natural (though slow) realisation that he was a fair weather dad but she reached her own conclusion in the end.

Good luck, take heart and remember that she does love you, she's just learning a hard lesson at the moment, one that she really shouldn't have to.

Love Reet
xx