Toxic Parent

[alexmongoose]

So, I've come to realise that I'm a fairly toxic parent (probably learned from my mum) and I don't know how to fix it.

I have 3 teenagers - and it has become very clear that I have failed pretty badly. Looking online, I have to admit to ticking a lot of the boxes for toxic parenting. I struggle to show my emotions effectively, I loose my temper - not physically violent - but do loose control, at times I think I have been mentally absent and due to financial situations, I have probably failed to meet their needs at times too.

I brought them up on my own mostly, they do see their dad, but he doesn't 'parent' as such - so this has to be all on me! My eldest seems to suffer with some kind of attachment disorder, my second has an eating disorder and my third doesn't really communicate at all. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I wonder whether they would've been better off without me and at their dads instead.

Being a mum is all I ever wanted to do, its devastating to me that I've messed it up so badly.

What do I do now? Can I fix this?

Would you consider family therapy?

How refreshingly honest you are. I would probably say all the things you've said here, to your teenagers. I would apologise and ask if they'd consider doing a family counselling session. Explain you did your best at the time but looking back you aren't happy with what you did. Start with one session as more may be daunting for them then continue from there.

I have spoken to them and apologised. But I think that was the wrong thing to do now, by putting too much emotional responsibility on them possibly.

I do go to therapy with my daughter, but I would have to pay for sessions with the others and I can't afford it. We tried some sessions with Relate, but it was crippling us financially (putting more stress into the mix)

Sigh, it is so frustrating when people who know they need help, can't get it. Can you go to your GP and state specifically the three things you have said in your post: one child with attachment disorder (and if that is manifesting as serious behaviour problems then say what the problem behaviour are); one child with an eating disorder ; and your own feeling that your children would be better off without you. Maybe that will open a door to a bit more of the help you need?

And don't do yourself down. It is very good parenting that you are going to therapy with one of your DCs; and maybe some of the things you learn there will help your other DCs too. Understanding how your own past has affected your parenting is a very valuable insight.

Hold on to the fact that no parent is perfect (and I'll bet your ex would not and could not have done as good a job as you have done!) and that you love your children and have done your best for them. Keep on trying to do your best for them. Bear in mind that there is not a "fix" that can put everything right for everyone all at once, but you are still helping your family move forwards in a good way. Even if it's a bit backwards-and-forwards and one child is up while another is down. And try not to beat yourself up for making mistakes or doing the wrong thing.

I don't think apologising could be wrong here. I think you are showing your teens what a good role model looks like. Nobody is perfect and you are trying to make amends now.
Just because your three are teens doesn't mean this is the end of the journey for you as a parent.
You are in a different phase and can start as you mean to go on. I would continue to be open and honest as you have done already. Forgive yourself and move forward.