Tips for being more emotionally available/containing for my kids

[catmum50]

I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here so please bear with me. I don't think I've ever felt hugely confident in my parenting though I have tried hard and I know I get some things right. However, I also know I am quite emotionally reserved - partly just my personality I think but also my childhood was not always great (not terrible) and I think I coped by keeping myself emotionally safe with distance. So....I worry that I have maybe done that too much with my kids. It's flared up now because my dd has said a couple of times that I'm no good at things like that (I think things that involve just being there rather than sorting a problem out etc). I've looked round my friends and I have always thought they are more natural/more confident in their parenting. Maybe it's a bit too late - both kids teenagers - but I wondered whether you know what you do that makes it easy for your kids to talk to you, share their emotions, feel connected or contained? I'm not sure what but I'd appreciate the chance to hear what you think. I thought about asking people in real life but it felt too exposing and I honestly think if I try and explain it I'll end up in tears because it does mean a lot to me. Also they probably think I'm doing a good job but I don't think so in this area. I am with their dad but he's not really a great emotional role model either (similar but different to me - gets irritated quickly but doesn't question himself or think we should angst about it all etc). If that makes any sense at all I'd welcome your thoughts so much, thank you.

I think it’s some shared activities/quality time so that you can keep something in common, even when they’re being difficult really help. Plus car journies just with one so that it they want to chat you have nothing else to distract you. Is there anything now that you like to do together?

Thanks Josie. I think that's part of the problem, in that it's quite hard to get time regularly with just one of them. I do most of the fetching and ferrying and it's usually both of them in the car. My youngest gets quite jealous if I try to carve out time just with the eldest and will often insist on 'joining in'. I feel like they have quite high standards for me that I don't feel I can ever live up to. Or that I'm torn between meeting their needs and my husbands, not that I think he's particularly demanding. I do spend lots of time with them. However it doesn't help that my two children are so completely different in personality, so I never know what to do between the two of them. I think I swing between being understanding and being 'stop that now and get on with it'. Probably not helpful.

How old are they?
I find as mine have got older it’s harder to have those deep chats as they don’t tell me as much because they talk to their friends. I was like that too - I was close to my mum but no way did I tell her everything I was feeling!!
As long as they know they can talk to you without judgement and you’re not dismissive of issues then I’m
Not sure what you can do.
However, I would still tell them you love them, show affection, compliment them etc - something that wasn’t shown to me as a child and that def affected me and I was determined not to be like that with my kids.

Thank you both, it's reassuring to know other people are thinking and trying with this too. I have calmed down a little bit about it - my eldest dd 17 can be quite critical of me and sometimes that's valid and sometimes I think it's regular teenage stuff and it's hard to know when to take it to heart and when to not take it with a bit of a pinch of salt. I will take care to explicitly show how much I care and to try and carve out more time 1:1. Annoyingly I think it's when I take her comments/attitude to heart too much that I find it hard to come forward with her. Neither of them do the huggy thing either which makes me sad when for example they go off for a big school trip or return - but then I probably only notice the ones that are saying a lovely goodbye and not all the others that just slope off (I hope). Thanks again and I'll keep trying my best!

Get in the habit of pausing with them. So on the way past, knock on the door and pop your head round (May be helpful to offer something the first few times cake, a drink etc!) and say hello. Ask if the new game is as good as they hoped, whether his mates had a good Christmas, does he have all the toiletries/clothes/stationary he needs. As they get used to you popping in, the relationship will build. If he says 'hang on' in an urgent voice, then back out quickly! He won't thank you if he messes up his game because of you!

I have a good relationship with my 18 and 22yr olds built on this, Wetherspoons breakfasts (take a card game to play while you wait), and making cake together. We have no interests in common, don't watch the same tv etc. We play games occasionally.

I'm a mum of two little ones, 2 and 5 months, so haven't experienced the harsh realities of parenting a myself teenager yet. But my mother has a temperament similar to yours in that she finds it difficult to be open emotionally.
From my experience I'd advise you to stick to the basics... cuddles and actively saying I love you often. I'd guess it's quite normal for teenagers not to want public displays of affection from their mothers, but at home try to work on a physical closeness (if you don't already have it). Just a hand on her knee or a shoulder pressed against hers while sitting on the sofa could be enough to start a conversation and allow each of you to be more open. Definitely getting some one on one time with each of them is essential...although I can see how that can be difficult.