Worried sick about dd, self harm, mental health problems and school.

[ditavonteesed]

I'm desperately hoping someone may have some advice for me as I have tried everything I can think of.
DD is 12, since the start of this school year she has not been herself. I am trying to time line events to try and find any trigger for this.
She has always had self esteem issues and is a very shy girl. She goes to an academy school that is very strict with uniform and at the start of the school year children were getting put into isolation for things like not having the right colour socks under boots(this isn't a debate about this subject, I know how split opinions are) She was highly anxious about this despite having no problems herself. About 2 weeks in the head teacher pulled her out of a crowd of kids (others have told me about this as well) and told her her skirt was too short, it was not it was sitting on her knee but had ridden up slightly because she had been sat in lesson and has muscly legs. She was absolutely distraught about this and as far as I can see this was the start of her changing.

She started to get really upset about going to school and was really down on herself if everything was not perfect, her grades are fabulous but never good enough for her. She started crying a lot at bedtime and around this time stopped going to gymnastics which she had always loved.

She had several fall outs with her best friend. And there was an incident with a boy teasing her that I had to go into school about. This was dealt with immediately by the school.

During half term I found out she has been cutting herself. Since then she has become more and more withdrawn and cries most of the time. I can distract her and we have fun when there is no pressure of seeing friends or going to school but as soon as it comes round to thinking about school again she starts crying.

I took her to the GP who has referred her to MAST which we are still waiting to hear from.
She had a week off school as she was so distraught and anxious that he couldn't leave the house. I had a meeting with school and they have referred her to the school counsellor although there is a waiting list, they have also given her a pass so she can leave lessons early. She was also told that she can use her phone to contact me if she needs to. When she is in school I get texts all day telling me she can't do it. I have asked school who she can go and talk to if she feels like this but they have only said her form tutor who will be teaching, they said she could go and find him and he would come out of class but she will not do this. There doesn't seem to be any other pastoral care at all.
I have taken her this morning sobbing and had to actually lead her into the door in tears, its absolutely heart breaking. I don't know what to do or where else to go for help.

I have asked her if she wants to change schools but at the moment I think starting a new school would be overwhelming. I have also offered to home school her although I have no idea how I could do this as both me and dh work full time although I work 3 long days so am around more. I am also conscious that I don't want to isolate her further than she already is.
Yesterday she was crying in form (I confirmed this by looking at texts from her friends, we have an open phone policy) and either no one noticed or no one did anything.

I have checked through all her social media and messages and as far as I can see there is no bullying going on and she also assures me there isn't . She will only talk to me and sometimes my mum.

Has anyone been through similar or have any ideas where we can go or what we can do for help.

Please no nasty comments I am trying my absolute best and I know I'm probably doing things wrong I lost the manual.

ditavonteesed I am so sorry you and your DD are going through this. I actually came on here to post almost the exact same post except that my DD is 14. She is an absolutely lovely girl who is pretty good at everything, she just can't seem to cope with school.

I hope you get some good advice. My DD is at home today and I am taking her to the GP. I'm not sure what the GP can do but I feel at a total loss too. Feel free to PM me.

hpreptowers I am so sorry that your dd is also feeling like this. WE went to the gp a few weeks ago, they were pretty useless but did refer her to MAST so hopefully that's a starting point.
I just want my little girl back, at the moment I am having to cuddle her to sleep in my bed as she is so anxious which is heartbreaking. She has always loved school and is very studious. She was crying yesterday because she got her report and while her grades are amazing she was upset about the attendance mark.
Also all her absence has been put as unauthorised despite the fact that I have been in touch with school constantly and through all this she only had 4 days off.
At the moment I am really starting to feel like I need to pull her out of school as her mental health is suffering so badly. I am already dreading going to work tomorrow as I will get texts from her all day and there is nothing I can do I feel so useless.

Can you look at another school? Maybe somewhere smaller? I would seriously pull my DD out and send her to another school but she's had a lot of changes over the years and is in Year 10 so really not ideal. I know how you feel about dreading work, I am often at work when my DD gets home and I have to go for a walk just so I can calm her down on the phone.

I've got 2 other DC at the same school so I know it's her, not the school. It's very sad. She has always been my shining star. I just want her back.

Unfortunatly all the local schools are massive.

I have spent so much of the last few weeks hiding in the drug room talking to dd, or other parents who have phoned me worried because of things their kids have told them about dd. Luckily my bosses are very understanding.
I just keep hoping it will pass and when its just me and dd or family at home I see glimpses of my girl, we have started skateboarding which she is loving and seems to give her some release but the minute we stop she is back to the sad flat being.

Yes my DD is fine at home too. She's not like she used to be but she's calm. She's very active - does lots of sports etc so we are doing everything right which is making me very frustrated on her behalf. I was just thinking idly about home schooling as a last resort - she really is not interested and neither am I. Maybe she could pop into school for the science and maths lessons, the rest I could probably manage at home

Watching with interest. I too have a DD14 who sounds very similar. We were referred to CAMHS after a chat with our gp but were told that the waiting list was very long for counselling/cbt and if we could afford to go private then that's what they would suggest!! They offered her three sessions of Counselling and then promptly discharged her. We are now seeing a private therapist weekly but my daughter says that it isn't really helping. My DD also really struggles with school and is unhappy there most of the time. It's heartbreaking seeing your children so down and sad and it has a knock on effect throughout the family too.

Oh sorry to hear that twinklylights. In my experience if their behaviour is good, then they are usually dismissed/ignored. My DD's school have only given her a (passing) notice since she walked out of a lesson recently. Her grades are nothing to worry about and her behaviour is exemplary. Sad isn't it? My DD also saw a counsellor for a while. It was a weekly chat for 10 weeks and we are now back to square one. I'm at a loss really.

Agree about the knock-on effect too: it feels like the house of gloom here a lot.

House of gloom sounds sadly familiar. I do sometimes wonder if hormones play a part as well.

I have been there and read the book, my DD is now 16 and at her first year of college. Your description of your DD's school made me wonder if it is the school she went to! We made it out the other side but it was a tough few years for her. The education system is so hard for some kids and these days the schools are not only big but teachers are stressed and under pressure to produce results which is handed onto the kids (I could write a book about it!)

I've worked with a lot of children going through this - with the Local Authority Medical Needs department. Where kids just can't attend school through medical need (including mental health) there is provision to bring education to them. Sometimes small groups at local libraries, other times in their living room on the sofa.

Please do ask the school or LA if this is available in your area.

Does dd do anything outside of school to make her feel good about herself? Scouts, sports, volunteering etc? If not, I’d suggest finding something to do.

I feel your pain. Went through this with my dd but thankfully we are now out the other side (over 5 years of treatment, so brace yourself as it may not be a quick fix)
If you can afford it I strongly recommend getting counselling / therapy as soon as you can with a person specialising in teenagers. I accessed some help via my work - we had an employee assistance programme so it's worth checking whether you have that.
We found that constantly adapting with new coping strategies seemed to work - techniques to combat panic attacks, talking about the self harm (when and how she does it - horrendous conversations to have with your child so you need to be very strong), relaxation and yoga, when having really bad days, taking her out of school and going on very long strenuous walks in the countryside, cooking her breakfast, and lots of physically holding her tight. But sometimes a 'you've just got to take a deep breath and be brave and go into that classroom - focus on the learning, the reading, the teacher' is something she's going to have to do. It's a really hard balance between focussing on it too much and letting her get on with a normal life.
One last thing is to keep a close eye on what she's looking at online. There's chat rooms and forums that really feed on this - self harm is almost an epidemic in schools today so try to limit that area of self help that she may be drawn to.
I'd also press the school more on how to supervise her when she steps out of lessons - dd went to sit in student services where there were adults who were aware of her situation and just left her to herself.
I'd also say to take care of yourself - it's very distressing to see your little girl suffering and terrifying to think about what might happen. Try to keep that under control and make sure you talk it through and offload regularly with a trusted friend.
For your dd it may just be a passing phase (there is a lot of it about) and with a bit of focussed care she will
Come through it quickly.
I really wish you all the best and if it helps my dd has now emerged as a fantastic, resilient, strong young woman who knows how to handle her emotions. It was a very tough road but I'm very, very proud of her. She's my superhuman ❤️

Why is it some girls just don't get on with secondary school? My middle DC had all the makings of being a shining star but sadly it has not gone well for her. She is my "nicest" DC but other girls just don't seem to like her much. It has had such a negative effect on her.

Sympathy and solidarity for you op and others on this thread going through it. Nice to hear of those who have made it out the other side.

so sorry to hear so many other girls going through this.
I will look into the Medical Needs Department. I have asked her to try her best to get through today (as I'm at work) and I will take her back to the dr,s monday.

She did do gymnastics (it was her life from about 6, she was never the right way up) but has given it up, taken all her certificates of the wall. She also did guides and has nearly finished her BP adventure but the friend she keeps falling out with does Guides so she wont go anymore.
We have started skateboarding lessons which she ;loves. |\we have been at the skatepark constantly for the last few weeks and I have seen glimpses of her while we have been there.
She often tells me no one likes her and she has no friends, I remember feeling the same at her ag (and sometimes now).

I am already worrying about the messages I'm going to get today because she knows I'm not there to rescue her.

Skateboarding is a great way to meet other young people. My DD is only little now, but I will definitely be encouraging her to take this up. Also, I would consider home schooling in this situation. School can be so miserable for some kids. Good luck with it. I hope you're daughter feels better soon.

This is for you .
I will let others input because I would only by hypothesising. However I do feel for you and your daughter and hope you work it out somehow. I'm sure you will, you are so caring.

Good luck today ditavonteesed My DD is also heading back into the fray today. We didn't manage to get a doctor's appointment until next week. Some of the advice from others who have been through it has been helpful. Thank you. I'd love the feeling of dread to go away.

Skateboarding sounds a wonderful idea- May suggest that to my DD also. I'm desperately trying to get her to try something outside of school but she says she just doesn't feel motivated. It doesn't help that she is very shy too. Let's keep our fingers crossed for a reasonable day today. None of us slept too well last night that's for sure!

My children are still young - but I had significant mh issues in school (and was not supported in any way but that’s a different story) . I just wanted to say - firstly, you are doing an amazing job, listening to her and taking her seriously, so well done and she will look back and remember that one day.

Secondly, whatever you decide, if she cannot complete her education now, if her mh difficulties remain and temporarily disable her, try to take a long term view. it really isn’t the be all and end all. My education was hugely disputed and I eventually got a job, age 22 and with no qualifications. I worked my way up and am now in my mid forties with two young children, a degree, and a well regarded professional career. Similiarly, a family member was at home from 12. -18 with ME and she is now educated to MA level and has a professional career.

Disclaimer - I don’t in any way mean that degrees/ professional careers are more worthy than other choices people make in their lives 😊, just our experience. The point is to try to take it a day at a time, listen to and support your daughter and don’t panic about exams or anything.

Take care of yourself too OP - you must be v worried.

Not disputed, disrupted! 😂

Her schools sounds awful. I’d honestly homeschool for a while, give her a chance to rest and take things at her own pace.

dd did really well on Friday and we actually had a lovely weekend, then this morning it all started again, I have had to force her to school crying and she has been texting me to please get her. She has been sent to go to the toilet to calm down.

Its actually breaking my heart, it all seems to stem from a fall out with another girl, I am meeting the head of year and safeguarding lead ion the morning to try and work out what to do.I can't keep sending her to somehwre that is causing her so much hurt,

I had similar issues with my dad at that age, I would recommend you find a counsellor who specialises in teens this will have to be private I’m afraid. In the meantime we had an agreement with school and my employer that she could meet me for lunch every day, which really helped and actually after a week or two she chose to stay at school. It will pass, my DD is great now and far more able to look after herself then I am.

Oh ditavonteesed I am sorry. I hope the meeting is useful. Can you take her out of school until the end of the term? I presume you've already done this but we got a letter from the GP on Friday which enforces our concerns about DD to the school and also suggests counselling in the future. Apparently the waiting list is much shorter if it is done through the school.