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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD doesn't want to spend her 15th birthday with us...

36 replies

anorak · 31/08/2004 09:05

It's today. She explained that her friends want to spend all day with her from the moment she wakes till the moment she goes to sleep. She knows I won't have 6 friends to sleep over when dh has to get up for work, so she went to her friend's house last night (Hi Christie!!) and says she is sleeping there tonight as well. I had to INVITE her and her friends here for cake and umbrelly fruity cocktails just so I can give her her pressies and cards . Is this normal?

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Beetroot · 31/08/2004 09:26

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Tissy · 31/08/2004 09:38

I'd say it was normal stroppy teenager behaviour, anorak. She's demonstrating her independence from you, by deciding how she spends her birthday. As she's not apparently doing anything illegal or immoral, I'd go with the flow. I hope she isn't expecting her friend's Mum to lay on a party- that would be going too far!

MummyToSteven · 31/08/2004 09:58

would agree with tissy that it sounds like fairly typical stroppy teenage behaviour - i would agree with beetroot not to make a big thing about it, but suggest a family meal/event at the weekend, to make it clear that you want to celebrate her birthday.

Original poster
anorak · 31/08/2004 10:01

We've been asking her for weeks what she'd like to do for her birthday, have friends round, be taken out somewhere, whatever, but she kept saying she didn't know. Then announced yesterday that she was doing this. She says you can't choose your family and if we were only friends she wouldn't see us any more. That includes her brother and sister.

I know she will get over this, and I know her bio father has damaged her so much and she can't feel the anger anywhere less safe than with us, but it all tires me out so much sometimes. Thank goodness you are all there for me.

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Thomcat · 31/08/2004 10:03

I reckon it's normal. Just be there for her, try and keep smiling and have a little cry when she's not around. I'm sorry, I know it must hurt but please remember it's not truly personal, it's just her trying to be all grown up and rebelling etc, part of all that goes hand in hand with being 'orrible to mum.

It hurts me to think how you must be hurting as I know that's how I must have made my mum feel.

I had blue hair and wanted to be grown up that meant being embarrassed about parents and stuff like that.

Please try and not take it personally babes and write her a special note in her card or a letter or something to tell her that you understand she's growing up and that you'll always be there for her and you love her so much. That way she can be a little girl and enjoy the words behind her closed door if she wants to.

Christie · 31/08/2004 10:04

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Christie · 31/08/2004 10:05

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Christie · 31/08/2004 10:06

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aloha · 31/08/2004 10:12

They are just big toddlers aren't they? Full of 'I hate you!' and "Don't want to!" Makes me shudder to think of it! Poor you.

Original poster
anorak · 31/08/2004 10:13

Thank you, especially you Christie, I feel as if you and your dh are parenting her for me sometimes, because she listens to you and seemingly not to us. At least I don't have to worry about her when she is at your house.

My poor dh has been there for her through thick and thin and has treated her as nothing less than his own child and she still tells me I have chosen badly and that she will never like him. If one day she sees him more clearly I guess it will all have been worth it but right now it's a struggle.

Last night I had a 1 hour conversation with her where I repeatedly asked her if she could please stop being rude and abusive to her sister and dh. She skirted away from the issue 100 times but I just kept bringing her back to it. In the end she burst into tears and told me how hurt she was when she was little and I did not hug her enough. I know I didn't she is right, I was struggling badly myself at the time and I did my best, but that is no consolation to her. I just told her I was sorry and that I did love her, and gave her a big hug then, but how can you make up a thing like that? I feel so guilty and sad, I want to be a better parent.

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Christie · 31/08/2004 10:22

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Tissy · 31/08/2004 10:27

anorak, you are a better parent! You are better now than you used to be and you are better than many of us who would crack under the strain of what you have to put up with.

You have given loads of people on Mumsnet sensible, considered advice in a variety of difficult situations. You are handling this as well as anyone could, don't beat yourself up. It is normal for teenagers with their limited grasp of psychology to blame all their current angst on what has gone before. Even if she hadn't been damaged by her father's behaviour, she would be blaming you or him at this moment. My parents divorced when I was 11. I hadn't been badly treated by my father, but we didn't see much of him after that. When I was 13 - 15ish I was a right cow to my Mum and (perfectly nice) stepfather. I wouldn't have been surprised if they'd kicked me out, but they didn't. At some point we all seemed to "gel" and we all get on fine now. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Original poster
anorak · 31/08/2004 10:35

I'm so worried about my dh, he has recently developed high blood pressure and I'm not really sure what this means in terms of risk of more complicated illness (strokes, heart attacks, etc). I know stress is a factor in high blood pressure and since this diagnosis follows a 2 month absence from work due to stress I feel sure is at least part of the cause in his case. I worry that DD1's contant rudeness to him will make him ill and I've tried to explain to her but she refuses to see that her behaviour isn't helping. If she makes him ill I will find it hard to forgive her.

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Prettybird · 31/08/2004 10:38

I was a right little "bizzom" at that age. But they DO grow out of it, and should, in time, beccome friendly again.

I was mean to my parents when we emigrated to NZ when I was 13 - leaving behind all the friend I had just made at secondary school, so I sulked for a year. Made a great new circle of friends in NZ, but then my parents (after 2 years)decided to come back again!

Second time, at 15, I was EVEN BETTER at sulking, which I did for ANOTHER year! More sophisticated about it too, so I would do things that I knew would hurt, but that I couldn't get into trouble for. Things like stopping givng them a good night kiss (OK, I'd have grown out of it anyway), refusing to walk down to the shops with mum, little things. I was a right wee madam.

I only really "came out" of it fully when I went to Uni (at 17) - although I had been pleasant enough for the previous year. What "did" for me finally was when Mum & Dad were having some real problmes with my brother and I decided that they really were pretty good parents and that maybe I should show them that I thought that!

Just be there for her, keep giving her opportunities for "family" time - but without big ultimatums - and I'm sure she will come through it.

Yes, she's had some bad times with her bio-dad, but it sounds like you and your dh have given her a good, stable and loving foundation which WILL stand her in good stead. And you've also got some great friends for added support! :)

Philly · 31/08/2004 11:11

My parents divorced when I was 12 and Dad married again pretty quickly,we lived with him and he had 2 children and stepmum had 3 I was awful etc Step sister and I didn't talk for 6 years ,she has just been down for weekeend with her 3 children and her dh is godfather to one of ours!

Dad and stepmum about to have 25 wedding anniversary with party and we are all sooo excited,can'tbelieve it when I look back,I was determined to hate her all my life!

What I am trying to say is that it does come round,the best thing that DAd and stepmum ever did was allow me to feel these feelings,and looking back can see that i really only felt able to say them because I was secure,I knew that I could say these awful things but that they would still love me,never throw me out etc...The fact that she is able to spend her birthday away is a complement,if she really felt so unloved she wouldn't take the risk.

You sound a fantastic Mum,deep down she is probably wishing she was with you but can't let the side down now.It's all part of loosening the apron strings.

Original poster
anorak · 31/08/2004 12:13

She has just phoned and asked if she can have some people to stay over tonight! I was so pleased that she wants to come back that I said yes to 5 people staying!!

Christie if you had anything to do with this then thanks!

She asked what time should she bring her friends for cake - I said your brother would like to join in, can you come when he is home from the childminder and she was really pleased he wanted to have cake with her.

I think you mners have used the power of your minds to will her back here, haven't you!

Thanks everyone.

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Christie · 31/08/2004 12:18

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MummyToSteven · 31/08/2004 12:19

anorak - re:the high bp. My mum developed high bp about 13 years ago - and has taken various medications to keep it under control, and has had no other resulting health problems from the high bp. Obviously high bp isn't brilliant news, but as long as your dh has been diagnosed, and the docs keep an eye on it, your dh should be okay. I don't think that high bp in itself could cause a heart attack, but extremely high uncontrolled bp could be related to a haemorraghic stroke (but these are not the most usual type of strokes - the more common type of strokes are due to a clot in the brain) If your dh is carrying any excess weight, losing that should also help matters. Also cutting out any added salt in food may be helpful. Your DH should also avoid decongestant medicines as far as possible - these can also put BP up. Is your DH going to be on any medication at all for it?

Thomcat · 31/08/2004 12:19

That's wonderful news. I'm so pleased.

JanH · 31/08/2004 12:23

I've only just seen this, anorak - so glad she is going to be at home after all, and that she was pleased about sharing her cake etc with her brother (sister too I presume?)! I hope you all have a lovely evening (and that she and her friends get some sleep and that the rest of you do too )

Fio2 · 31/08/2004 12:24

glad things have worked out eventually anorak

I have said before how much I like and respect my stepfather now. He is the only grandad my children have and he adores them and they adore him. He is more protective and supportive of me then my own father (wherever he may be ) I hated him to begin with, it was only when I got older i realised he was actually a nice man and not a threat to me at all. i am sure in time your daughter will feel the same. I remember being a tennager very well, wouldnt like to be one again! It was awful

Fio2 · 31/08/2004 12:25

oops forgot to add anorak, my husband has high bp aswell atm but he also stressed out and depressed and the dr's think this is what is causing it

Original poster
anorak · 31/08/2004 12:30

Thank you, thank you,

M2S - he is not carrying excess weight, is very fit and lean, exercises 3 times a week etc. Interesting about the decongestants, he does get hay fever and takes antihistamines, I wonder if this is one?

He is not on medication at the moment, just being monitored.

Christie...just reread 'like a toddler but slightly more articulate'...must bear that in mind...

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Kayleigh · 31/08/2004 13:05

anorak, am so glad your dd has decided she wants to be at home with you on her birthday. Maybe she really is growing up. Send her very happy birthday wishes from me.
x

lou33 · 31/08/2004 14:24

Sounds like I was anorak! Don't know how I would feel if dd1 wanted to do the same at that age though (she's 12 1/2). Mind you, my mum was leaving me at home by that age while she went on holiday, and I stopped spending Christmas with my family from the age of 16 until I was in my mid twenties, and starting my own family. It didn't mean I loved her any less, I was just feeling the beginnings of adulthood and independence, and making the most of it.