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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15 year old daughter wants to live with dad

17 replies

Unicorn2609 · 26/11/2018 14:13

Sorry for the length of this, i want to make sure i have main points in!
My daughter is now 15, i split with her dad when she was 3 (we were young parents). Her dad was depressed, tried to take his own life when i left, in and out of work, has never paid maintenance but saw my daughter and son (13) every fortnight. He turned to alcohol and when he had the kids he would stay at his mums with them so there was a sensible adult around. I have never ever stopped him seeing the kids as they need both parents and we were always on good terms, worked together for the kids and i helped him out a lot. I went on to have another child with another man, he went on to have another 3 with another 2 women. He went to rehab to get off the drink so has been sober for 2 years now and i must say i am impressed with how he has turned out. He now has a flat closer by (just a few months ago he moved), 2 jobs and sees all of his kids regularly. This change has only come about in the last 6-8 months.

My problem now is that my daughter has decided that she wants to live with him. He has stopped communicating with me and now just asks the kids what they want to do and what they say goes! He has started taking them on the weekend which should be my time with them as well as his own weekend. My son doesn’t always go when its my weekend but my daughter jumps at the chance. He gives them pocket money but my daughter has come back with extra for “helping with her siblings” and “thanks for coming when you didnt have to”, seems to me like hes trying to buy her. She also wants to change her name now, from my surname to his and she wants to add in a middle name as her dads girlfriend told him in front of her that he cant have some kids with middle names and some without! My son doesnt have a middle name and nothing has been said to/about his name! My son would always stay with me so i dont know if thats why hes only pushing for my daughter as he knows she will go?! He has never had to adapt his life around kids and i cant see him doing so if she goes to live there, he will continue to go to work and live his life and she will glory on at home herself. I have always been the one to do everything for my kids. I have recently had to move my daughter school due to a bullying issue, i now have to transport her there and back myself, he wont do that if he works full time, i can see her having to get a bus. I work part time during school hours so am always around when they are home and am available if anyone needs picked up with being sent home etc. Neither her or her daf can see how good she has it here, all they are focussed on is her going to live there and all will be well and rosey, and of course none of it is run by me, just my daughter coming home from his making these announcements!
I am completely heartbroken, feel betrayed by both of them as i have been there for my daughter her whole life and him while he wasnt in a good place, im repaid with this and i cant handle it. I dont know what to do for the best...
Has anyone been in a similar situation who could advise please?!

OP posts:

pippistrelle · 26/11/2018 14:22

Neither her or her daf can see how good she has it here

You've probably summed it up there. But what quicker way for her to find out, than actually letting her give it a go? That's if her dad actually wants her there and it's close enough to school and any other commitments she has.

I appreciate that you must be very hurt but our teenagers are often very self-absorbed: they don't set out to be hurtful (well, not always) but they're not big on empathy.

brizzledrizzle · 26/11/2018 14:24

Neither her or her daf can see how good she has it here, all they are focussed on is her going to live there and all will be well and rosey, and of course none of it is run by me, just my daughter coming home from his making these announcements!

Hard though it is for you, I think it's inevitable that she will say things like that and will think that the grass is always greener on the other side in their minds even if it's not the reality of the situation. If she did go to live with him I'd give it a short time for the novelty to wear off and she'd be back like a shot.

Snowwontbelong · 26/11/2018 14:26

Ds shared homes with me and exh. Decided he was there ft.
Lasted a year, now nc with his df..
Your dd has rose tinted specs on is all.
Be supportive and be sure it won't last.
I flounced off to df's once at 13
Lasted 1 night!!
The only night I ever slept there.

Singlenotsingle · 26/11/2018 14:35

She's actually old enough in law to make that decision for herself, so let her go with a big smile on your face.

She'll be back, sooner rather than later! Guaranteed! The grass is always greener...

Thebluedog · 26/11/2018 14:39

It will be awful and understandably upsetting for you OP but I think you may have to let her learn the hard way that it won’t be all sunshine and roses for her with her DF. Plus she’s old enough to decide where she wants to live and if you try to stop her you might adversely affect your relationship with her. I’d let her go but keep in contact and be there for her when it goes tits up

Unicornandbows · 26/11/2018 14:43

I think you need to let her go and decide for herself. She will soon scurry home

Original poster

Unicorn2609 · 26/11/2018 14:55

Thanks everyone! Guess i just need a little nudge and support... she knows i will always be here for her and that the door is always open should she want to return. Im the “taxi” when she wants to go out so when her dad is full time working and shes bound to phone me for a lift at some point so what should my answer be in a situation like that? Should i be doing it or should i be saying to her that shes under her dads roof so its his responsibility now? I have all these scenarios playing through my head!

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/11/2018 16:29

@unicorn2609 i think I’d treat that scenario, that if you are available, then if course you’d take her, but I think Dad should be her first port of call.

Does this arrangement mean child maintenance will change? As he will be her primary carer then he’ll be buying school uniforms etc?

You might fine it works out well as you’ll start to be able to see her on weekends? Access is also something you’ll need to sort out with her too.

Original poster

Unicorn2609 · 26/11/2018 20:52

@WhoKnewBeefStew im unsure how payments will work, i obviously recieve benefit for her just now but if she goes then i dont kniw whether to change it instantly or whether to wait until we know if shes properly going to be living there permanently or what...
It will hit him hard when he realises how much back to school shopping costs!
I would love to see her weekends but the reason she is with her dad at weekends is that one weekend he has her and i have her the next, he started taking her on my weekend as thats when he has 2 of his other kids who he fought for access to in court so as my kids havent seen much of those kids, he tries to get them all together but also make himself look like dad of the year with handing out all this money for “helping with the kids” so im not sure she will even want to see me on weekends

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 26/11/2018 21:34

Don't fret, OP. It won't last long. So he's got a whole bunch of kids at the weekends and they'll all be wanting to go out with this fun dad and do expensive stuff at the weekends, taking his money, his time and his patience. How long will it last before the novelty wears off?

gonzo77 · 27/11/2018 07:57

My DS did this to me last year. Only his Dad lives 45 miles away. He was 6 months old when I left his Dad. Nearly 17 when he moved in with his Dad. Best thing he ever did. He has now seen him for who he really is. Unfortunately he goes to college and has a job in the same area so is now stuck living there until he can get his own accommodation.

This year has been the making of him. We had an awful relationship before, now it is fantastic and he has really grown up.

xmasbaba2014 · 27/11/2018 10:36

No advice but I'm currently going through the same with my 16 year old ds and it's really breaking my heart. I also can't help feeling resentful that I did all the tough years of the homework, sleepless nights, appointments. I left jobs because I could work suitable childcare around them, have up the chance to do a master's. His dad has never had to make any changes at all to his life but now has the easy years.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/11/2018 11:10

Re benefits, I’d inform them straight away rather than waiting as you don’t want benefit fraud to add to the list of things to worry about.

You can sort out access with her directly, I wouldnt be surprised if you didn’t see her much to start with, then as her shiny new life starts to dull she’ll be back round. Nothing like Mums cooking

My ex pays me less than he should and still complains, sometimes I’d love to see how he gets on with how much a child costs in reality

Original poster

Unicorn2609 · 27/11/2018 14:49

I couldn’t agree more that absent parents really do have no clue how much a child actually costs, its one thing seeing them every other weekend and paying for a takeaway and a day out or whatever but the reality of living with them full time is completely different to that.
@xmasbaba2014 it really is a horrible thing to go through for any mother out there who has done it alone for years, i feel the exact same as you. Everyone is saying it wont last but in the back of my mind theres always the “what if it does?” thought which crushes me.
I really dont even know how to start the process for any of this. My daughter wants to go and i know her dad wants her there as he tried just before summer and i put my foot down and said no, had school and social work back me up. Now she has moved school so staff arent aware of any previous things that have happened, social work are no longer around (that was regarding online issues my daughter had) so now i have to go it alone and i know i cant say no forever and just find an army to have behind me saying no. My ex no longer runs things past me, only through the kids so how on earth is anything meant to be sorted out/arranged like that? I dont know if i should say to my daughter she has my blessing and get her to sort it out with father of the year or speak to him which will just make me plain annoyed and something will go wrong, i just dont know how to do it

OP posts:

gonzo77 · 27/11/2018 16:10

Get her to deal with it. Her choice, she now needs to take responsibility for her actions

Original poster

Unicorn2609 · 27/11/2018 18:37

Thanks @gonzo77 i am so rubbish with this, dont even know how to tell her she can go, im going to have to prep myself

OP posts:

gonzo77 · 27/11/2018 21:35

@Unicorn2609 I sobbed for days after my ds left, but honestly we have such a fabulous relationship now. Feel free to pm me if you want support.

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