Unmotivated lazy DS (16)

[Stopmeifyouveheardthisonebefor]

Feeling anxious about DS (16 and in year 12). Got decent but not stellar GCSE results and seems to have settled into 6th form ok.

But he is so lazy and lacking in interests. He is rarely seen studying at home as says can get most of his work done in school study periods. Does no actives or hobbies. Has friends but apart from school mostly interacts with them via Xbox. Goes out occasionally to play football, bike ride or cinema but mostly is in school or his room. No enthusiasm for a part time job as he doesn’t need money as doesn’t do anything and has Xmas/birthday to get new big ticket items. Will come down for a quick family dinner and to watch football with DH but reluctant to spend family time for more than a quick shopping trip or lunch.

I know some of the above is pretty normal but what really bothers me is that he won’t start discussing university (or any other options). Also that he has no interests or enthusiasms apart from gaming (mainly FIFA) and watching football. And just had some slightly mediocre first term results home. Me and DH said something along lines of how well he was doing with one subject and not too bad with another but the third subject needed room for improvement and he went mad, called DH a moron and punched the wall. And now says he won’t come to parents evening next week.

I should mention that outburst was unusual and DS usually in good spirits as long as he can go about his school/Xbox routine unchallenged.

Obviously I love DS to bit and he can be such good company when he wants to be but he seems to have no motivation to do anything with his life! And I don’t want him at home forever shouting at Xbox in his bedroom! And what to do re his parents evening refusal?

This is a difficult one. I would apologise to him ie am sorry we upset you, we thought we were being helpful but realise that you are a young adult now and we trust you know what you are doing with your studies.

I would then ask him what he wants from you and your dh in terms of support in his studies and his future university/career choices. Respect him if he says that he doesn't need help but let him know the door is open if he changes his mind. School will be on top of University choices etc so don't worry.

Its hard but at 16 going on 17, they really are starting to dig in with their independence. You can't force them to take up interests or be enthusiastic. For now concentrate enjoying the family time you do have. Hopefully, he will come round to attending the parents evening, am pretty sure school will tell him that its compulsory.

My DD (also yr12) is hyper motivated & barely discussing future options. She vaguely thinks 'London' even though it's expensive & she wants a very competitive course. Bit early to worry so much about which Uni & "the future", imho.

Also, they do have to drive which direction they take. Your son may find another path that he does have enthusiasm for. If the idea of future planning upsets him, I'd step back. He's not actually causing you problems right now as he is.

PEve: I'd go without him. Opportunity to be a little more frank with his teachers about any issues they might have.

I didn’t get any guidance at all or anyone to talk to about future plans etc and i’m trying to do things differently with my own DC. We are actually incredibly easy going with DS hence his chilled out xbox heavy lifestyle!

I wonder if the outburst may be that he's anxious (about that subject? All his subjects?)

I think I would speak to his sixth form ahead of parents evening so that they are aware he may not attend. That way they can possibly speak to him about attending.

He is probably worried about it and is aware that the staff will say he needs to work harder.

The problem with sixth form is they usually don't let you resit if you don't do well. But again, ask this question at parents evening so you know where you stand.

My eldest is in year 11 but both my sons know that being allowed to game is dependent on their grades but also their effort, general attitude and helpfulness around the house. If they spoke to me the way your son did there would be no gaming.

I would talk to him about what he called your Dh and tell him he needs to apologise. He cannot go round talking to people like that no matter how angry he is.

Why not 'break' the router one weekend and see what happens. The violent outburst may be game addiction?

Otherwise he sounds v normal for 16. I'd be prepared that a gap year might be a good idea.

My dm sd something v wise to me when my ds's were this age - that they weren't drinking, on/dealing drugs, criminal or exepectant fathers and to stop worrying. That really put things in perspective. Otherwise you just have to trust that they'll sort their lives out in their own way.

Thanks for replies.

Attending parents evening at 6th form level is non negotiable as far as i’m (and school) concerned. DS has never attended with us so I don’t think it has anything to do with being worried about what teachers will say. It is that he is embarrassed by me and DH. We are standard issue middle aged parents who don’t stand out at all and are sensitive to teenage DC awkwardness and literally everyone else there with parents so I am thinking of treating him like a child if he is behaving like one and removing Xbox if he doesn’t agree to come.

@Blessthekids Would you really apologise to someone who'd punched the wall because you suggested they put more effort in?

OP read this book Drive It's American but most of the info applies to UK as well. I like it. It's very straightforward.

And he needs a proper chat with you about boundaries. It is never OK for young men to intimidate people with violence. You are his parents and you have a right and a duty to show interest in his work. I'd remove soem comforts and add some responsibilities - household chores etc - not in any punishing way but in a way that makes him realise what he needs to do in life.

A friend of mine showed her son her bank statements - how much went out on basics every month. He realised if he didn't work hard towards getting a good job, he'd be skint and miserable for years.

That Drive book makes sense to me if you're coming from a position of having cosseted or drifted your kids. Not otherwise. OP can figure out where her style lies.

OP, did you mean to say that your son has never NOT attended PEve with you? Otherwise it makes no sense why this is the first time you've ever insisted that he must attend with you when he never did before.

@Lijkk - Maybe cosstters and drifters are who Drive is aimed at, but I found it just had some pretty straightforward ideas to help me keep on track as a parent. E.g. it helped me explain to DS2 why he shouldn't give up his one and only social club which several times over the years he's asked to give up.

Short term, in winter he usually wants to hibernate and game under the duvet. But long term, he loves it, has made some friends there and become seriously good at what it teaches, which has gained him some respect from peers. He has more than his fair share of physical and social disabilities, so it's important to me that he sticks with the one thing that anchors him to a skill and a social life.

It also taught me to be more dismissive on teen negativity than I would instinctively be. E.g. DS said he wasn't interested in uni. I said, 'That's fine, no one is forcing you to go. If you want a job instead, get one. But we are still going to look around a couple of unis just in case. No obligation to follow through. Only obligation is to have a look.'

Now he is really enthusiastic because of what he saw and is suddenly working hard to get the grade for his chosen course.

I think lots of teens drift because the adult world is scary and the choices are bafflingly numerous. It's not enough to let them figure it out unaided. I think they need a few obligation-free nudges.

This is a recurring discussion on MN from the parents of teens. The most vocal MNers definitely only feel happy if they push push push their teens. I'm different, not least in that I like to delude myself that it might be ok to occasionally describe an alternative strategy.

I ended up with kids = determined underachiever, very ambitious over-achiever, emotional basketcase handle with care, & #4 still deciding. I know I'm influential on them, honest, but I sure don't get consistent results out of them. In my favour At least, whatever they do, I don't let it make me unhappy.

@lijkk - of course there's room for an=s many parenting styles as there are children. But there are certain common factors in happiness and good physical and mental health. They are: to have good self care, good socialisation, enough exercise, enough drive to attempt the things you would like to do. Teens still need guidance on setting these habits in place.
I have one very driven DC. He was driven before he was born, always thrashing abotu in the womb and he came out zinging with life and hasn;t stopped since. Little I say or do would make any difference to him. I have one snoozy, cosy DS who has a handful of mild physical and mental disabilities. He feels very much in his brother's shadow. I don't push him, but I do prompt him to get started on stuff that interests him. That's all it takes - a single gentle nudge and then he;s off too, really happily absorbed in his interests.

I feel a bit sorry for teens who have no passions, whose lives are just a blur of video games. I'd feel guilty if I sat back and didn't edge them out of the nest to see what else the world has to offer and they have to offer the world.