14yr DS manipulative girlfriend

[Redleicester48]

Really not sure what to do. DS got a girlfriend, she is constantly messaging/snapchtting/FT him. It seems all very intense and its coming between him and his mates. She tracks him down if she can't get hold of him via them and also seems to tease him and spend time with his mates which is causing friction. He seems so smitten, I haven't been introduced yet but I'm really not happy with impact its having and don't want him to be isolated. Say something or keep my counsel?

hold back until you know her and have got a feel of what she's actually like, once you've met her you can judge her character and her intentions better xx

Invites to tea. Often.
Best way to assess things. Your ds will grasp quicker her behaviour isn't normal when more self assured in his own home.

Ime.
Ds 23 was oblivious to a crazed gf.
Didn't last long.

Ds(14)s friends have had gf like this, it seems pretty common here for girls to behave this way. Everything from the gf awkwardly hanging about when the boys go out together or they boy saying he can't come out because the gf won't let him for some reason or another (another girl X the gf didn't like will be there, she wants to facetime later and he won't be back in time etc)

Thankfully this all happened before ds had his first girlfriend and we chatted about why it was wrong and how healthy relationships are based on trust and respect not control, how is important to have your own time with friends still, and he was prepared when he did start seeing a girl. He knew it was ok to say I am not staying in just because X is there, she is my friend, I am not staying in all day just to facetime you later I've got plans, are you free tomorrow.

It will be much harder now your ds is already seeing someone as he might be defensive, try to chat about healthy relationships in general without critising his gf and once they split up take the opportunity to talk more.

This sounds like my daughter!

This happened to my son too. He got fed up with it eventually. He did become isolated. Luckily his friends welcomed him back when he came to his senses. She was very anxious and he felt very responsible for her mental health as I discovered when I took his phone off him at night as she was texting at all hours and he got very upset and said how anxious she would be if he didn't reply. Everything revolved around her it was very unhealthy. Sometimes the other parents are receptive eg to having same rules about phones etc but often girls parents are happy they have found such a sweet boy and are ok with it. I did really like her but she clearly had some self esteem issues she was looking to ds to fix. It did escalate eg he wasn't allowed to speak to other girls, go to any parties. He had to prove more and more how much he liked her to keep her happy. Eventually he'd had enough and hasn't dated since! I only found out most of what had gone on afterwards. If it had been a boy doing this to a girl it would be clearly seen as abuse. Schools could do a lot more I think about girls emotionally abusing boys as it's very common and doesn't get discussed. I felt sorry for her as she needed a prop to get through school she's done the same to 3 boys in succession. Keep having family time phone free time etc so he has a break. Keep to your rules as much as you can. Recognise he's having someone put a lot of demands on him so is likely to feel torn between your rules and her demands and may be finding it stressful. Don't assume she's horrible I would hate to be a girl growing up now there's a lot of pressure on them and sometimes this is how it comes out as being super needy

My DD (14) has been ‘going out’ with BF for a year. They were friends for a long time first and it went from there. Each are busy with their own activities and interests and when they make arrangements to meet it’s around other plans that have already been made. Dd has a friend in their group who went out with same boy for about 2 weeks before DD and BF got together, she ended it as she thought he was coming on too strong, in fact it was just the usual ‘I love you’, ‘you’re so cute’ kind of stuff, she then proceeded to allow friends to think that he had done something really bad to her to make her ‘go to the edge’ DD tells me that he hadn’t done anything wrong, he was devastated by her reaction and became very withdrawn for several months. It was DD who helped him get back to normal after this rebuff. I agree with BrokenWing that reinforcing what is healthy in a relationship is so important. Control and manipulation shouldn’t be accepted as normal. The friend has anxiety issues and is in counselling for this. She is constantly messaging DD’s BF still, FT most nights, messaging him, actually sexting (I know this as I was changing DDs bed when an unattended iPad was pinging up messages from her within the group chat, talking to BF about their sexting the previous night). DD tells me although doesn’t seem concerned or think there’s anything wrong - perhaps that’s another thread). I try not to put my adult perspective on this scenario, I am only concerned for my DD but I can see that girls of this age can get obsessed with boys and especially those who are well brought up enough to be kind and considerate towards others, it could be taken the wrong way by someone with low self esteem. Your DS may be flattered by this attention, if it ends up being an equal, respectful relationship all good, if not he sounds like he’ll work it out or get fed up with it before too long.

Sorry, I don’t have anything helpful to add but, spacehopperchopper have I misunderstood? Your 14 yo DDs friend is sexting her (as in your DDs) boyfriend?

Like OP, I am trying to get perspective on own teens first relationship and to understand when to step in and when to stay out 😐. DD’s friend and DD’s BF were discussing via group chat how they had stayed up till past midnight several nights in a row chatting on private message to each other and masterbating at the same time - in an adult world this would be divorce right? I told DD I had seen these messages and asked her to remove herself from the group chat which she did. I’m not sure if anyone has ever asked her why. Is explaining about healthy relationships enough - when do we just say stop seeing that person?

Woah. I hope your DD is not still with this boy or friends with that girl. I don’t think I’d be able to stay out of it if I’d seen that and be making it very clear she wasn’t to see either of them again. I’m never a fan of “tell the parents” but their 14 year old staying up late masterbating together is probably something they should know about (if you know them)