14 yr old DD admitted she was starving herself for a period of time

[slipperandtherose]

My DD is petite about 5ft 4inches a size 6-8. She was becoming curvier at the beginning of this year like she was getting a more womanly look - she looked perfectly lovely. Then suddenly in October I looked at her and I thought her legs looked skinny in a skirt... and noticed how very tiny her waist size had become.
This shocked me. I had been having gut feelings that she had been lying about eating in the town (so didn't need tea).
Eating a big lunch at school (so didn't need tea. etc.)
I also thought that someone had been sick in the bathroom.
I checked her school account to see if she had been eating her lunch and there were quite a few days when nothing had been bought.
I resisted confronting her outright – but decided to be extremely vigilant and to suss out if she was deliberately lying to me about food. She was.
She has had hormonal tantrums for a long while. But her mood has become extremely defensive and aggressive if I try to talk to her about school, friends, food (especially).
I expressed some concern for her eating habits and weight loss and after a lot of anger, she finally divulged that there had been a two week period where she hadn't really eaten anything. But she had scared herself and her friends had talked to her too, and that I shouldn't worry because she was now eating. I think it also worried her that her regular period had come 2 weeks early too.

I caught her putting half her sandwich down the toilet last night.
I'm pretty sure someone has been sick in the toilet.
Does anyone have experience with this – I don't know what to do.
I am so worried. Should I tackle it head on again? I don't want her to lie to me. And I want her to feel secure enough to trust me.
She has expressed that she doesn't want to put on weight – but she is only 7 and a half stone – this is not a realistic weight for a grown woman.
We are close, and she knows she can rely on me – I've helped her with lots of different things that have concerned her and I never judge. I can be firm when needed but always loving and fair.
But this feels like a very difficult thing to get right – I don't want to make her become more deceptive about food – but I don't want this to get out of hand.
I'm a bit lost. Any advice or help, experiences that you may have – I would be very grateful.

It’s not so much the weight you have to be concerned about but it’s the disordered eating. I was lighter than that with a similar height at her age and did not have any eating disorder.
I really would try to talk to her in a calm manner and say you’re concerned about the fact she doesn’t seem to be eating much. Maybe look online to see the best way to approach the talk. If you have a good GP you could ask them without her present.

She is very difficult to talk to especially regarding this subject – which of course raises even more alarm bells. She is adamant that she is now eating and that I need to trust her – and she doesn't want me to make her eat meals if she's already eaten etc... It's literally a nightmare.
I have set myself a 2 week period to overview and keep a close eye – and then if I think there are continued issues – I will at the very least see my GP. Thanks for your reply. All perspectives are helpful!

Hi Slipperand the rose. I've been through all this over the last 3 months. My 14 year old DD did the same, but was exercising excessively as well. My DD was eventually diagnosed with Anorexia. You need to go to the GP with your daughter and ask them to refer you to an eating disorder clinic. I don't know where you live, but there's one of the biggest and apparently one of the most successful clinics at Springfield Hospital in Wandsworth. Do not delay. You can refer you daughter to the clinic yourself. They will assess your daughter and provide lots of support. My daughter was taken into hospital St George's and they were excellent in getting her to eat regularly again. She is recuperating, but needs supervision during and after mealtimes. School has been good too. My daughter has just turned 15 and I don't allow her to go to town unless she's eaten first. If she goes for sleepovers, I check with parents that she's eaten. I also check with one of her trusted friends whether she has eaten out. There are lots of strategies and practical and psychological support that the clinic and hospital can provide. My daughter was never underweight and it was caught early before the Anorexia became ingrained. I was shocked by the diagnosis (because she wasn't underweight) and felt tremendous guilt and shame thinking that we'd done something wrong to make her develop the disorder, but the fact is, it's a mental illness, like an addiction and we weren't to blame. The only thing that could possibly have sparked it off was the death of a beloved close relative. There are many reasons genetic and environmental as well. There's a book by Eva Musby which is excellent and she has you tube videos as well. Wishing you luck.

Dear LynetteS
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, but really glad that you are getting on top of it. It is certainly terrifying the speed with which this issue can just enter your life – and become all-consuming.
What I am taking from your story is don't leave things if there are issues.
I am using the next few days/week to re-evaluate – as I have managed to have some very good conversations with my DD and I feel that we have made a lot of progress. BUT I am being incredibly vigilant and will take each of the next few days as they come.
Thank you – I really need advice from people who have experience with this.
Unfortunately we are in the West Country – so I'm not sure we have the fantastic facilities that you have. But I will be looking into it.
Best Wishes for a full recovery all round.

I agree with LynnetteS, my daughter was diagnosed anorexic when she had just turned 18. I knew she wanted to lose a bit of weight and would be jogging on the Wii Fit every day, which looking back should have been a flashing red warning sign. She became obsessed with the calories in her food and wouldn't let me buy anything that had any red on the nutrition indicator panel. I managed to get her to agree to see our GP, but it took a lot of talking calmly and gentle persuasion, not easy when you've already lost one child and are terrified of losing another. It was 3 days after her 18th birthday and as she was now classed as an adult the GP had to ask her if she wanted help!! I was terrified she'd say no. Fortunately she said yes and was referred to an eating disorder clinic and is now a happy and healthy nearly 23 year old (suffering from the hangover from hell.this morning after a friend's 2wst last night 😂)
I hope you can manage to talk to your daughter and get her to her GP. That outside input could be what she needs for her to see that she needs help and everyone is there to do just that xxx

Dear Ceilidhasmum
Thank you for sharing your story of your daughter. I'm very glad to hear she is well and happy now.
It's such a sensitive situation all-round – dealing with it. I am well and truly on the case. She has opened up a lot so far and 'seems' to be eating well... I use the word seems – as she lied a lot when she had the period of non-eating – I know I can't trust anything she actually tells me. Thank you so much x
Best Wishes

Hi Ceiledhamum, I'm so please to hear a positive story. Could I ask whether it took 5 years for your daughter to recover fully? If recovered, would she be considered as not having anorexia any more? My daughter was diagnosed 3 months ago, but looking back, she'd been restricting for longer. I'm just wondering when it's all going to end.

Hi I forgot to mention BEAT the online support platform for all eating disorders.

Thank you. I really hope your DD continues to improve.