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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

13 year old Daughter has told me she’s Transgender.

14 replies

Giselleyazz · 15/11/2018 14:02

I’m looking for advice. My 13 year old dd told me back in February she thought she could be transgender, of course I was supportive to her, I’ve always said to my children they can tell me anything and important to not suffer. But inside I just couldn’t believe it, I felt guilty I felt this way, but I couldn’t help thinking, maybe it’s a phase. She told me she hates her chest and wants to be flat chested. [she is still not developed much in that area) We had lots of conversations, she came to a conclusion there was no rush and would see how it went, she was still happy for me to call her my daughter and a she.

A couple weeks ago, after her begging me for ages, she had her hair cut very short. She said she was ok with being a girl but still didn’t want a chest and curves. I kept thinking it was just being worried about growing up.

But this week she’s told all her friends that’s she is now a boy. I’ve read her messages, I know it’s wrong, but I was worried about her. In telling her friends she’s told them all I’m fine with it all and going to let her take hormones. This is not true at all, we’ve not even had this talk. She’s said her dad hates her and won’t speak to her, or even look at her, this again is not true, although he’s not really understanding about it and confused, he’s not actually spoken to her about it and treats her exactly the same as always.

I just don’t get why she is actually lying about the situation.

I’ve also seen a message to a girl telling her she self harms, this I know she doesn’t, if she gets a tiny scratch she’s showing me and complaining and not worried about showing her arms or legs. Another thing which is strange is she cooked this lovely cake, it was really lovely, but she told all her friends she burnt it.

Do you think it could all be attionion seeking?

OP posts:
GreenEggsHamandChips · 15/11/2018 14:09

90% of that is a case of your truth vs her truth. Doesn't make either of you wrong. How you perceive something might be different from how she perceives it.
E.g. "so you have no problem with me beingtrans" "No that's fine just take your tome over everything"
She's using it to mean everything including medically transitioning, your not. You both think you have agreed.

slipperandtherose · 16/11/2018 13:17

I do feel for you. There is so much going on in our teenagers lives. They are exposed to a great deal of information at a very young age.
I think you are dealing with this very well from what you have said, listening and supporting. I'm no expert but I would definitely not let your daughter know that you have seen her messages – as this will break her trust in you. I would look for an organisation that could help. I have no personal experience – but I have heard of a support group called Mermaids. I think talking through your daughter's story so far with people who have been through it may shed some light on what she's going though. and help you to know what you can do to help her to work out what her feelings could really mean.
I hope you can get some good advice. Best wishes to you.

Andtheresaw · 16/11/2018 13:23

Your child is 13YO. Of course they are attention seeking and inward navel gazing. It's what they do.
This doesn't mean that they aren't trans though.
Try and separate your reasonable incredulity at the whoppers they tell their mates and the potential essential truth about their relationship with their own gender.
Keep communications open. Even if you get referred to Cahms and then the gender clinic really quickly (and there is a huge queue) you will still have an extended wait as the NHS guidance on this is 'wait and see' to accommodate the 80% of teens who change their minds.

W0rriedMum · 16/11/2018 13:26

It is very normal for girls to struggle with the physical aspects of growing up. I would imagine 12-15 is the prime age for this.
I wouldn't contact Mermaids or take this any further at this point. Instead I would let her keep talking to you while making the point that 13 is too young because the medical route is so unproven at this age.
What you don't want to do is fight it but do be sure to give her space to change her mind.
I know this is controversial but I would be taking a close look at her online interests as well and making life more "real" - family events, meeting friends, sport etc.

MsJolly · 16/11/2018 13:29

Do not contact Mermaids at all.

GP is first contact.

Racecardriver · 16/11/2018 13:29

Has she always been a compulsive liar or is this a new thing?

Silentlyobserving · 16/11/2018 13:32

From my own personal experience young people going through this are prone to rewriting their personal stories and denying the truth. Please be careful and take advice from people who do not "buy into" the trans ideology as you will find you are dragged into a very deep rabbit hole where good is bad, black is white and everything is rainbows and unicorns. Stick to the truth that humans cannot change sex and love and support her during this difficult time.

legalseagull · 16/11/2018 13:32

Teenagers LOVE drama and anything that makes them special. That's why she's lying. It's exciting and everyone will think she's cool as being transgender is the new goth. I'd ignore as much as you can. "that's nice dear"

ADastardlyThing · 16/11/2018 13:34

Does sound like typical teenage angst with all the lies and attention seeking.

Whatever you do DO NOT contact mermaids, terrible advice.

JustDanceAddict · 16/11/2018 14:33

Go nowhere near Mermaids, please. It may be a phase, maybe not, but I’d just go with it and hopefully she will decide one way or the other.,

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 16/11/2018 14:45

As she is lying about self harm, burning possessions, arguments and medical transitioning info it sounds like it is compulsive lying. Call her out on it. I would seriously doubt she is transgender and is saying it as she knows how shocking it is.

moomoogalicious · 17/11/2018 19:13

Re the transgender thing watch and wait. No need to go to the gp or contact mermaids. I had the same thing with my dd. Started age 13, wanted to be called by a boys name, wore boys clothes, bound her breasts. I was tearing my hair out but decided to go with it but refused any requests to go to the gender identity clinic thinking if she was still like this age 18 she would refer herself with our support. Age nearly 16 she asked for some girls clothes and now she wears skirts And a bra.

I did tell her she couldn't change sex etc but she had totally bought into the trans ideology on Instagram and u tube.

Giselleyazz · 19/11/2018 14:02

It’s so difficult to know what to do for the best. I’m not going to go to Mermaids or anywhere like it. I think I’m going to try my best to act normal and not talk about it too much. She has recently made friends with a person in her year at school who says they are also trans. They call each other he/him now. My daughter had a go at my mum for calling her a good girl, saying you know I want to be a boy. I’ve used the same to her this morning, but she didn’t react at all.

She is an extremely shy person, and gets anxiety going to school everyday. I’m not sure if that is making her feel worse and thinking she’s a boy would help her with that.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2018 14:13

Having listened to a few children who say they are trans, everything they say is just normal teenage stuff.

It sounds like your dd is no different to any other young girl.

The lies are just attention seeking.

I mean there isn’t any mileage in saying your mum and dad, when announcing she was trans replied with, that’s nice dear.

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