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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS obsessed with being popular

26 replies

jaccyjo · 14/11/2018 17:14

After many years of struggling with this I am after some advise on my beloved DS (16).

He is quite frankly obsessed with being popular, and it's driving me insane. All he cares about is his street cred, which is affecting his behaviour and grades at school because he wants to do things which appear cool. He is late every day because he thinks it's cool I think, and if I try to get him out of bed he is so difficult and moody, I also have to go to work so can't be arguing with him every morning.

He recently went on a school trip and it was an absolute nightmare because he refused to wear his old coat and was not even going to take a coat unless I bought him a new one, so I had to spend money on a new North Face jacket to stop him freezing to death. He only wears designer brands, any money he gets he will end up wasting on Nike and Aidas tracksuit bottoms, Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger etc. Even pants he turns his nose up at anything not designer.

He is on snapchat and instagram all of the time, I used to take his phone off him at night but this became unbearable because it would cause a massive argument every evening, I have relented since he turned 16, if he is tired at school then it's his fault.

He is sullen, moody and ridiculous all of the time and has no interest in me, his Dad or his brother. He is out all hours of the day / night when he can be, with his friends which is fine, he never brings them back to our house because it is 'dead', doesn't want to come on holidays / weekends / any excursions with us as they are 'dead'. Doesn't want to eat with us because it is 'dead' and would rather go to 'Maccies' with his friends.

I am just absolutely fed up with his attitude and behaviour, he expects me to buy him things and give him lifts places etc but basically treats me like shit the rest of the time, and as I say he is just obsessed with his popularity, friends, girls and street cred. Any advice at all on what I can do to get this child out of my life and a nice, respectful teenager who cares about a bit more than just his clothes and snapchat into my life?

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 14/11/2018 18:18

If he’s 16 and wants designer gear he can get a job.

Restingbitchface101 · 14/11/2018 18:27

You are allowing him to act like this. Where is he getting all this designer gear from or the money to buy it? You. He's 16 yes but he's not acting like an adult so try saying NO!!! I'm not wearing an old coat.. Ok freezer see how cool you look with blue lips. If he wants the latest North Face or Nike stuff tell him to get a job and buy it himself. Who pays for his phone? If it's you going are it away till he pays for one. It was be blood hard for a few weeks until you learn how to use your lady balls and he accepts it's your house not his. Before you ask I do speak from experience and I did leave it too long and it was a horrendous month but my DD learnt it way my way and now she happily wears high street and goes to school on time.

Jellybean100 · 14/11/2018 18:27

Sounds like a typical teenager. I think I used to be similar (although maybe not quite as disrespectful) and I can now see how much it used to drive my parents up the wall.
Definitely agree if he wants expensive things he can buy them himself and he will then learn the value of things and maybe think twice before being so rude to you, or maybe be a bit more grateful.
You may find that this is just a phase, and he will soon become more mature once he hits 17-18.
Maybe!Sad
Also about staying out all hours of the night - he’s still 16 and if you don’t feel that’s appropriate then you need to set boundaries.

Original poster
jaccyjo · 14/11/2018 19:50

I will encourage him to get a job, but I think he will be too lazy! However he does like buying nice things so maybe that will be incentive... good idea. He has only just turned 16 so this hasn't been that viable before now!

I know I am too soft sometimes with the buying things etc. But with things like buying the new coat for school, the school would have literally rung me up and accused me of neglect had I sent him without a coat!

DH is the main culprit of buying him stuff though, his attitude is that we are lucky to be reasonably well off so why shouldn't be buy DS nice clothes etc! He will take him shopping/buy him really expensive shoes etc which drives me mad.

I really hope it's a phase!

OP posts:
Original poster
jaccyjo · 14/11/2018 19:51

Also he doesn't stay out 'all hours of the night', his curfew is 10pm usually unless it's a special occasion, and I won't let him far away from home on weeknights. He respects this usually. I just mean he goes out all the time and never wants to spent time with us!

OP posts:
Petitepamplemousse · 14/11/2018 20:02

You are buying him designer gear and indulging his behaviour. Stop indulging it. The Snapchat/Instagram thing is hard to control but you definitely shouldn’t be paying extra just for him to wear a brand emblazoned on his clothes.

Babymamamama · 14/11/2018 20:05

OP he does sound a bit spoiled. Time to reign him in and teach him the value of money. If you give him a fixed clothing allowance then he could see how far his money stretches.

thethoughtfox · 14/11/2018 20:46

That would not have happened. He chose not to take his coat. Don't allow yourself to get bullied.

corythatwas · 14/11/2018 20:46

I think you need to start thinking of him as an almost grown-up rather than a small child. He is old enough to join the army, he can take responsibility for keeping warm- or not as the case may be. Given his age, it is highly unlikely that the school would ring and accuse you of neglect if he goes in without a coat; if they do, simply tell the truth.

At this age, I think it's a good idea, as Babymamamama suggests, to give him a modest allowance and let him take responsibility for buying his own clothes. If he wants more and posher than the allowance will allow, he gets a job. If he is too lazy for the job, that's his problem: he gets the sack.

donajimena · 14/11/2018 20:51

My 15year old loves supreme clothing. He had to get a job because I cannot afford it. As others have said you are enabling his capitalist attitude. As for not wanting to go anywhere. Sadly thats normal.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/11/2018 20:56

Think again. No school will ring you up because your 16 year old isn't wearing a coat. I know because all 3 of mine refused costs after ab out 12 years old.
You don't have to buy him anything you can't afford, sounds like you are choosing to indulge his fussiness. Let him get a job to pay for designer wear if you don't want to pay for it.
However, the obsession with labels etc could be related to low self confidence rather than just stroppiness, and the getting up late is a fairly normal teenage thing. Still no reason why he shouldn't be polite to you and the rest of the family. You don't have to give in to his demands, but might be sensible to think about how to go about boosting his self esteem.

cowfacemonkey · 14/11/2018 20:59

Until you stop enabling his behaviour nothing will change. School wouldn't accuse you of neglect over the coat you simply tell them he refused to take it. Stop being so passive, he's behaving like a brat because he can

cowfacemonkey · 14/11/2018 21:00

I would say however it's fairly common and normal for 16 year olds to be focussed on their social life and not their families so that's not a battle I'd fight.

BarbarianMum · 15/11/2018 13:31

You had to buy a new coat to stop him freezing to death? Where was this school trip to - the Arctic.

Try saying no sometime. Try saying "good plan, you should save for that". Boost his self-esteem by valuing things like politeness and punctuality and effort and being clear that rudeness and lateness and lazyness are deeply uncool and get met with a refusal to give money and do favours.

Original poster
jaccyjo · 15/11/2018 17:22

It was a ski trip in France, honestly he would have been freezing without a proper coat, I have no issue sending him to a regular day at school without a coat but this was different, they needed to take proper warm clothing.

Aside from buying him clothes, which you are all right, I will speak to DH and say we aren't buying him any new clothes until his attitude changes, there is much more to it than just that. I struggle to believe his whole attitude is because we buy him designer clothes? Sad

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 15/11/2018 18:07

Show your dh this thread and he might see sense. You both need to work together to ensure your ds isn't hearing you say'No we can't afford it ' and his dad saying 'Certainly son, what colour and how many do you want?'
You have to parent.
That means saying no often sometimes.

corythatwas · 15/11/2018 18:09

I wouldn't make it "we won't do this until your attitude changes"- that is still treating him like a small boy. I would do "this is your monthly allowance, it needs to cover the following". Don't make it punitive, make it factual. Start talking to him as a grown-up. This in itself may help to boost his self-esteem.

Biologifemini · 15/11/2018 18:13

Instagram is just designed to flog stuff to kids. It is toxic.
I’d switch off the WiFi at night and tell him to get a job. And take his phone off him at night.
You will be doing him a massive disservice otherwise because he will fail at school. I’d point out cool successful people tend to have had a good education and don’t wear designer clothes and spend their nights on instagram.

RedRoseReb · 15/11/2018 18:14

The positive is that it can motivate them to earn money. But you have to insist on buying them basics only.

Oh and the other story I hear too often nowadays is of teen boys who don't go out apart from school because they can make do with being online. So at least that's not your problem.

RedRoseReb · 15/11/2018 18:16

It is normal for some people to want to escape the family at this age. It can helpful long term in achieving independence but I agree it's wearing.

moredoll · 15/11/2018 18:27

This is going to end in tears unless you put a stop to it.

Even if he doesn't get a job don't buy him designer clothes unless he's earned them by improving his grades. Your DH has to present a united front with you.

And yes, change the password on the WiFi and switch it off on weekday nights.

festivellama · 15/11/2018 18:35

How much time does his dad spend with him? Not out shopping etc, but actual quality father/son time together?

Strikes me he might be doing this partly due to peer pressure, and partly for attention.

mycatplotsdeath · 15/11/2018 18:48

You are a adult. He is your responsibility!!
Get him out of bed and to school on time!
Don't pay for expensive school ski trips and designer clothes.
He doesn't need to change when he is being indulged by his parents

Original poster
jaccyjo · 15/11/2018 19:06

@festivellama

He doesn't spend that much time with his Dad but this is 90% his choice. His Dad works long hours so granted there isn't always loads of time for them to spend together, however when his Dad does suggest things like going out to play golf or an activity, DS will almost always reject it. As I said he has no interest in spending time with family. We see glimmers of interest occasionally (more DH than me) but he isn't doing this to seek attention from us I really don't think.

In terms of getting him out of bed, it's really difficult because DH and I both leave for work and if he's not out of bed I still have to go. Do you suggest I literally drag my 16 year old out of bed? Every morning? I wake him up but half the time he is rude and just goes back to sleep!

I also disagree with you saying I shouldn't be sending him on school trips, as another PP said I am glad he has friends and spends tme out of the house, I don't want him to be a recluse in his bedroom

OP posts:
MorningCuppa · 15/11/2018 19:20

Your ds sounds like my ds, I sympathise with you, it's so hard, I do agree they are spoilt though, we have had to rein it in and do the whole my house my rules, unfortunately quite a lot of teenagers think they rule the roost until they are reined in.
I'm watching this thread for ideas too.
Him getting a job would be a start.