16 year old son and no control

[Brokenmum1]

Please help! Hoping someone has some advice or words of wisdom. Very long story, I’ll try and condense it.

My 16 year old son has had a relationship with an 18 year old girl for the last 12 months. This girl is bad news. Over that time she has alienated my son from all his friends and family, and he’s changed from a model son to someone I don’t recognise at all - disrespectful, thinking he can do exactly what he wants. Just for example, this girl threatened suicide whilst my son was in the middle of his GCSE’s, causing him to “run away” for 5 days. He got amazing exam results yet turned down a place at the grammar school sixth form to follow her to college, where he is now skipping classes and been given a stage 1 warning. So much has gone on I can’t even begin to explain it or write it down. This weekend his Dad and I sat down with him (we’ve been divorced 12 years) and asked him if he wanted to move in with her and her parents, as he’s obviously not happy here. He said he wanted to stay here, so we said he needs to adhere to some ground rules - home for 11pm week nights, 11.30pm weekends otherwise he goes to stay at his Dads for the night, stay at his Dads one night at the weekend to give me a break, spend some time with me each week, even just to take the dog for a walk or have a meal together (he doesn’t eat here anymore), and talk to his grandparents and uncle again. He refused, so we’ve told him to take some time to think about it. I don’t want to throw him out, but at the same time I feel like I have no control at all and am just being treated like a Hotel . If I ground him he just walks out, if I turn WiFi off he just turns it back on, turns up late and doesn’t go to his Dads which then disturbs my younger daughter when he gets home. It seems so pathetic, but I’m sick of being treated with a complete lack of respect. Any words of advice from anyone? Thanks x

Hi OP

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time with your son. His behaviour suggests he is struggling and from your post, strongly suggests he has been affected by his GF. Is his GF getting help for her suicide attempt? For anyone to deal with that is incredibly scary, but for a 16 year old it must have been terrifying and made him feel very out of control.

I think you are doing the right thing laying down some expectations. We are having very serious issues with our 16 year old son who has ASD. In trouble with the police, smoking weed, violence and aggression at home. We have been trying to get him support from CAMHs for 18 months-only now do they look like they are going to help him.....when he is in a very bad way. We also self reffered for support from social services-we have a 12 year old daughter and she was being affected by what she was witnessing, so we strongly felt we had to protect her. We have had him arrested 3 times now, for threatening us at home, being violent and damaging our property. We have made it clear that EVERY time he acts like this, 999 will be called and we are on urgent call out now.

We are at the stage where we feel he needs to move out. We would never chuck him out, but work with SS to get him a placement with support-if that is possible. We have told him this. That his behavior is abusive and will no longer be tolerated. He comes from a loving supportive home, but has been horribly influenced by mixing with the wrong crowd and weed. We have parental responsibilities until he is 18, and take those seriously. But his behavior is ruining our lives. I hope you get a resolution OP

I'd also say wherever possible try and keep communication open, so he feels he can come to you. I still tell my son I love him....when he isn't swearing at me

Thanks @poobumwee

The suicide attempt was literally just words to get my son to go there - she was sat watching telly with a smile on her face - I know this because my son immediately messaged her Mum asking her to check on her daughter.

I just feel lost and broken. He won't let me be there for him, won't listen to any advice, and is adamant that at 16 he doesn't need to listen to the rules and can do what he likes. It's not that what he's doing is "bad" as such, just disrespectful and it's the complete character change that worries me. I can't reach him any more and don't know what to do. It's making me ill and I'm at breaking point - I feel the only thing I can do is ask him to leave, either move in with his dad or move in with her and her parents in the hope he then sees her true colours x

This all sounds stressful but I do feel your rules are a bit harsh for a 16 year old at college (so presumably heading for 17?). I don't know many that age who have curfews like that - supposing there's a party at the weekend? does he still have to be in by 11.30? Teens this age often don't like spending much time with their parents, not all of them obv, but a lot. They're breaking away and finding their feet.

"Control" is the wrong word here, you shouldn't want to 'control' him. Try talking to him in a more mature way.

You do sound as if you're prepared to throw in the towel rather quickly: he still has 2 years to go until he is an adult but you want to ask him to move in with his girlfriend because he doesn't keep the curfew or speaks disrespectfully to you. How much support did you give him when his gf threatened suicide? Do you actually tell him he needs to move out of his own house once a week "to give you a break"? What do you do to maintain communication that isn't about him needing to listen to advice or follow the rules or letting you be there for him? Do you have any communication that is just light-hearted, pleasant, on the surface?

@BigSandyBalls2015

He doesn't spend any time with me or his family - leaves the house before 8am, home at gone 11pm, straight to his bedroom where they are then on FaceTime all through the night. He doesn't eat a single meal here. Her Mum does all his washing.

His girlfriend was welcomed here but admitted to some friends that she doesn't come round because it keeps my son away from me.

I know it sounds pathetic but it's hard to condense 12 months into a brief post and actually get across the true extent of what has gone on x

@corythatwas

He went to his girlfriends parents house and wouldn't reply to texts whilst he was away. I contacted her parents to explain my concerns but was just ignored.

He has stayed at his Dads house on a Saturday night since we first separated 12 years ago, it's just in the last few months he has stopped going because he fell out with his Dad. But yes I need that break - I suffer with depression, have recently started having panic attacks and need one night a week where I can go to bed and switch off.

There is no communication because he treats his home like a hotel - leaves before 8am, home after 11, then straight up to his bedroom to go on FaceTime through the night. Doesn't eat any meals here, doesn't shower here, and her Mum does all his washing.

I know it sounds pathetic and unreasonable, but it's hard to put everything that's happened into a brief post x