Desperate situation

[cacoa]

I am single parent with a 17yr son. We have had a tough relationship since he turned 1testing every boundary with me and because I have a demanding job at times.

Since I managed to buy my own house he has been a pain. He is very disrespectful to me, grandparents and other family members. He talks like he is Rambo. No interest to help a family member if ill or even visit in hospital.

He has no respect living in my house for anything, leaves mess, lights on, windows open heating on etc...… talks to me so abruptly & harshly over anything, even if I try offer to help him or something for his benefit.

I realise he hates me, even though lived with me as his main carer for over 10 years. His mum has no involvement in his life of her own doing. I now get fearful being in the same room as him or even to ask him to do something about the mess he leaves behind which he expects others to clean up. I fear he is going to get abusive to me or shout over anything to make me shout back or even try hit me (he has done before).
We had cams help a few years back and he had anger management sessions, medication prescribed -nothing helped, he has not calmed down. I believe all this started as he is addicted to gaming.

He did live with other family members of his own choice for a month, of his own accord then moved back with me. It is not a healthy atmosphere, very tense, intimidating and very sad.

I am at my end what to do. Shall I ask social services for help or cam? I don't want counselling to talk about my problems, just a solution to have semi happy home atmosphere. I have even offered to pay him to live or back wherever he wants, as he does not want to live with me, and declined to move back with his mum (whom he has restarted a talking to again).

Sorry to hear this. I don't have any solutions but having reared two teenage boys I can say that they were both intolerable at 17 in quite different ways but by 19/20 started being reasonable again. I think hormones play a part. If there's anyway he would agree to it I'd tell him that you can see his behaviour suggests he's deeply unhappy and offer pay for private counselling so he can explore his issues.

I would ask for some outside help. It’s intimidating and intolerable for you to be living with him like this. Especially as his behaviour borders on abusive. I know teenagers can be awful but it’s the gaming addiction and the fact that he’s tried to hit you. Could there be some family meeting set up with outside help (counsellor for example) where it could be agreed that he can only stay with you with certain conditions - like if he agrees to attend counselling sessions?
You refer to his mum - I don’t understand, are you his stepmother?
I hope you make some calls and get support because it’s not right for you to be living in fear And obviously he needs help too to work through his addiction and anger.

I presume Op is his father.
Op l would try and hang on a bit longer as they do change at about 19. A long way off, l know but maybe seeing light at the end of the tunnel would help.
Teens leaving a mess, lights on etc is not unusual although its a pain.
Your ds has suffered major rejection from his dm and this often makes them push and push to get you to reject him too so he can say " yes, l knew it , everyone hates me. I am not worth loving" Being rejected by a parent causes desperate pain even in a teenager although he wont admit that.
So the most important thing is not to reject him. Try and catch even the smallest window to reach out to him. Take the focus off the messy room etc and try and build some kind of relationship with him. Your message needs to be you can push me away all you like but l'm still here as l love you too much to give up on you.
Do go back to Camhs. Is he still at school and is there any support there?
I would look at counselling for yourself as it will give you head space and some strategies.