Mean 19 yr old son

[MummyMoo3]

My son who just started uni this Sept has said he wishes I was dead and he hates me. He left today to go back to uni saying he wants nothing more to do with me. I know he is being dramatic but I want to pave the way for him to come back to lean on me when he needs to.
I love him unconditionally but it's so hard to be treated like this and to know how to move forward. I think it has become this bad since he spent all the money I gave him to cover uni expenses in the first four weeks. I have not gone crazy about it but I am deeply disappointed in how foolish he has been and have very politely refused to be an endless cash source, saying he needs to curb his lifestyle or get work. He has major anger issues - he saw some pretty abhorrent behaviour from his father who killed himself when my son was 13. I got my son as much support at the time as he was willing to take but he soon got really fed up of counselling and help from any source. I have two younger sons who are doing fine emotionally and all three get on really well and are very close. They are all very bright and can discuss there feelings well. I am reading books on teens which have been an insight and I have a councillor willing to help me with any issues I am causing but honestly I don't think she is as intelligent as my son and has stock phrases which do not get to the point of the problem. Other parents having experienced anything similar would be so much more help if you are willing to share. Thank you.

Hi MummyMoo3, sorry to hear you are going through this. I suspect your son's anger directed at you is because he is so very angry and disappointed with himself and humiliated by having to resort to asking you for help. My son did something very similar in his first half term of university. He spent all his loan and went on a bizarre shopping spree. I researched the matter and found out it happens a lot with first years. With my son we suspected that he may have been experiencing a manic phase as he has had depression for 4 years now. Or we thought he could be trying a new way to cope with his depression. Of course, he could of been just being an irresponsible first year like so many others. We don't have much money and coped with this situation by making him work for money off ourselves and his gran. He had to decorate a room and do the garden over 9 days and we paid him after the work was done. He has been more responsible since. Hope this helps. xxx

Thank you it does help knowing that it can happen when they first go to uni. I am sorry your son has to manage depression. I know from living with my children's dad that it can be hard to deal with a loved one going depression. DS has just texted (having ignored my texts for a couple of days) to ask me to transfer money to cover his accommodation as he has got through £600 of his accommodation loan since receiving it on 7th!
I suspect he has a serious problem, possibly gambling, and I need to get to the bottom of it. I think I have a bit of a challenge ahead!

Cricky, poor you dealing with this as the silly season approaches. Obviously gambling is a much bigger concern for you, than a one off splurge. Hope there is good student welfare centre at his uni to support you. There should be given the fees they pay. Sometimes I ask myself what us the worst that can happen in a situation I am facing and then I ask myself how can I improve on this worse case scenario or what can I do if this comes to pass. It's a Dale Carnegie trick for helping you to worry less. May not be everyone's idea of a good method so obviously feel free to ignore. X

Has he had to manage money before OP? That is a serious amount of money to spend so quickly.

I would text back that you don't have that amount of money to send as you need it to support your other sons. 600 pounds seems an awful lot, is he in some sort of trouble? I'd ask him to show you where the money has gone.

Hang on. You get your loan paid 3 times a year..
Sept. Jan and April...
So what has he just got?

If he is in halls and has not paid they will contact you as you signed a Co payee....

He has had an accommodation loan paid straight into his bank which I thought was a bad idea as he is in halls. I told him to pay it straight into the housing department in uni which he said he would and obviously didn't. He didn't get it in Sept for whatever reason, I don't know why- it just came through. I will talk to the housing people tomorrow to get info and also - thanks for suggestion - ask if there is a student welfare place I can access as a parent. He has handled money before - long story but he made a lot over summer after helping me make huge savings in the family budget so he got the proceeds as uni expenses fund and doubled the money. He had got through this in the first four weeks which started all the trouble. I try to do the worse case scenario thing and as most of my family have died (young) this is by no means too bad but just really sad as I thought I could trust him to be more sensible. I am learning! Worse case scenario is that he won't ever deal with his anger and turn out to be an unpleasant man. I'm more troubled by how abusively he talked to me than by him being in debt, although I really don't have the income to support his spending and wouldn't on principle even if I was super rich.

You can pay direct for halls.
I had to as DD messed up as well.
Then if need be you can order food to be delivered when he is home...
My DD did this for herself so she didn't have to carry it.
Iceland is only £35 for free delivery...
Tell him you won't let him starve or be evicted, but he needs to go pay what he can now on rent.
Then call the halls, as your down on the paper work they will talk to you.

I read somewhere online that teenagers / young adults brains are undergoing massive rewires and that they go through a phase of being almost psychopathic. Lacking in empathy and control. Hope this is the case with your son and he isn't going to be an unpleasant adult. We all of course lash out with our tongues when out of our depth and it's usually those closest to us that bare the brunt. I would probably want to forgive and rescue my son in this situation particularly as it's the first term and the first time. But I am no expert and he may need to feel the consequences of his actions to learn a vital lesson. You maybe better signposting him to outside agencies that can help him. Food banks, gamblers anonymous, student hardship fund, student welfare centre, homeless hostels. My heart goes out to you and yours. Will go a short walk today to feel the sun on my face and will be thinking of you and hoping you get some stress relief too and some sense of direction. Xx