That's not my daughter, her attitude is too spikey!

[NoMalone]

Does anyone else feel that their sweet, lovely child has been abducted and replaced with a stranger?

My DD is 16 and has always been a lovely, sweet, positive and driven girl. We spend a lot of time together and have always been close. However she now studiously maintains a stony, unimpressed face that must use up so much energy. She sneers at me (my accent, the things i say, stories I tell) but her father gets a much harder time: he can do no right whatsoever. Even his breathing is all wrong.

She suffers boots of depression which are heart breaking to deal with but when she's not in the throes of one of those she is still morose and sullen. Unless she is with her friends in which case she is all smiles and fun.

It is so Hard to maintain an enthusiastic and encouraging relationship with her these days. There are many times when I snap and say I have had enough! Which doesn't help matters I guess. But most of all I want to send out a search party for my lovely, sweet girl who I miss and can see no trace of in this spikey imposter

lovely, sweet, positive and driven girl. We spend a lot of time together and have always been close. However she now studiously maintains a stony, unimpressed face that must use up so much energy.

It uses up less energy than maintaining a "sweet lovely positive and driven" face, especially if she suffers from depression. She is protecting herself from you - or more specifically, from (what she experiences as) your demands and expectations.

The less you insist that she puts up a "sweet lovely positive and driven" face, and the more you allow her to be as she feels, the less spiky she will be. Don't poke the hedgehog. A minimally polite and not openly rude face will have to be enough for the time being, there should be some mild consequences for direct rudeness but otherwise try to let her spikiness go. And let her develop her independence. Try to also spend a little calm relaxed time together doing something you both enjoy, even if it's just walking the dog or watching a telly programme and eating popcorn now and again.

Being a teenager is hard, and being the Mum of a teenager is hard. Your lovely girl will come back to you.

Give her space, when she's ready she'll come back. I lost my dd for a month when she was 13 - god it hurt like hell...I backed off and she came back. She's still a teenager but we have a lovely time together and I still back off when I see the warning signs.

Thanks littleMiss I do give her space but this morning I snapped. Which I felt bad about as I know she is having a difficult time. I remember being miserable as a teenager and thought I would be so much more understanding of my own but instead I find myself (privately) grieving for the easy child she was (though even as a spikey teen she is still fabulous and I am very proud of her). I'll try to do as you suggest and we walk the dog/watch tv.

It's been about 8 months Eva so you were lucky! I have a feeling I put my own parents through years of grief.

I mostly find It terribly sad that she had more confidence at 12 or 13 than she does now. She thinks herself ugly and unworthy no matter how much we tell her (and her school/work/friendship results show) that no one agrees with her. I fear she is ripe for falling hard for the first guy who shows her affection or being offered drugs or alcohol. That she seems to want to be in a different skin than the one that she was so comfortable in before this phase. Today I am finding the teenage years to be nasty, cruel things.

My DD is a little younger but my DSIL swears by this book to help her with DN.

I have that book,must dig it out again! One of the messages in it is that teens are like this to make it easier for the parents when they leave home

Thanks for the book recommendation JiltedJohnsJulie I'm a great believer in forewarned is forearmed! Things are good with dd at the moment but I am conscious that we have many hurdles ahead and I want to help avert disaster where I can.