Mum could go prison because sister doesn’t go to school

[uplight99]

Hi,

I’m not a mum but I thought this would be a good place to ask for help. My sister is 15 years old and she literally refuses to go into school. My mum has had to go to court 3 times now because of it and a few days ago (3rd court visit) she got given a 9 month probation and was told next time she will go to prison. How is this fair? She is a single mum who doesn’t work. My sister is taller and bigger than my mum and could easily overpower her if my mum “drags” her into school like the court told her to. I have to go to work every morning so I cannot drag my sister into school. Can anyone please help me with this situation as I really don’t know what to do and I’m getting really worried now.

Thanks

Before they got to the stage of taking your mum to court, what advice/ support was she given by the EWO?

Can she deregister her and home school?

Not too sure what an EWO is but my mum said that we’ve received next to no support from the school or courts she’s been left to do it herself, the court said that the school should be providing support but they don’t take any action

I will look into it thanks, is that expensive? We really don’t have too much money

Although your sister is bigger than your Mum, your Mum is the adult is is responsible for you sister. Is your sister aware of the sanctions of her non attendance? Is there a problem the school can help with eg bullying?

I understand that but what is my mum supposed to do? It’s ridiculous. Both me and my brother NEVER had any issues going to school we both finished the exact same school with near enough perfect attendance so it’s nothing to do with bad parenting. My sister has a few loose screws. The school do nothing to help. I don’t think she’s getting bullied, I think my sister has social anxiety and doesn’t like being around people. Yes she is aware of the consequences of not going in but to put it bluntly she doesn’t care.

I think your Mum would be wise to make an appointment with the school to find a way forward then. If your Mum is engaging with the school, it shows she is trying. Although you sister doesn't care, your mum does.

Have been in similar situation. Basically, the authorities will react differently depending on whether they think there is a genuine MH problem/similar or whether your mum just can't be bothered. The way to demonstrate that the problem is genuine is for your mum to try to get help. She needs to talk to your sister to find out what she is bothering her, she needs to make an appointment with school and go in and ask for their ideas, she may need to make a doctor's appointment for your sister. This will not be easy in current NHS situation, but the more it shows she is trying, the more sympathetic they will be.

The EWO is the Education Welfare Officer: they are in charge of chasing up attendance. Your mum needs to try to get this person on her side and work together with them.

Home schooling doesn’t have to cost anything, you can learn it all out of books. But if she wants to have any kind of qualifications, she’ll need to actually get on and put her head down.

I feel for your mum as my DD was similar at 15 and it was all extremely stressful. There's no way you can MAKE a teen go into school. If you have the sort of kid who digs their heels in then you are actually quite powerless and it's a scary thing to realise. With my DD it was anxiety related, yet very few people believed it, even her father at times. HoY pretended to be understanding but then mistakenly copied me into an email to her form tutor saying that I wasn't firm enough with her.

I didn't end up in court, but what I think helped was having proof that I sought help at the GP, had meetings with form tutor/HoY etc, constantly stayed in touch with school to let them know I was trying my best.

Has your mum done this? It prob differs from borough to borough how they react with school refusal.

Is your sisters/your Dad around? Can he not be held jointly accountable so this isn't all on your Mum?

Yeah my Mum has tried everything. She’s taken my sister to the GP and all they done was give her some anti anxiety pills which didn’t work. She has tried to contact the school but they ignore her.

My mum had a meeting with the welfare office today. They basically said my sister had 3 choices:

a) change school (not possible and won’t help)
b) go back to school (that’s the whole issue we have so that’s unlikely)
c) put her into care (seems like the most likely outcome at this rate)

They can't put her into care for not attending school! How is that going to help

If she has a medical diagnosis as an anxious school refuser, then the LA will have to provide alternative education.

The most important thing is that your mum engages fully with the process, and responds to all communication and keeps asking the school for help. The school need to demonstrate what they've done too, including referring for MH help if required.

I would take her back to the GP.

I might also consider contacting my MP. There's a big focus atm on schools trying to "move on" children in Yr 11 with poor attendance/likely poor exam results.

Can't she withdraw child from the school and home educate?

Have the school done things like short days and a phased return? Have they got a counsellor at school that your sister can see? Have you had any contact with CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service)?

For better, or worse, a lot of parents with school refusers home Educate, and to be honest, there are very few checks on the standard of education provided as LAs don't have the time or resources to monitor.

You Mum definitely needs to be engaging with the school more and showing she is proactive in your sisters education. For example: calling the school every morning to say your sister is refusing to attended and doing before the school calls her to find out where your sister is, your mum showing she is trying to engage your sister with her education for example making read the relevant texts for English etc.
What is your sister doing whilst she isn’t in school?

You mother needs to work with the school and mental services.

Your DM need to make an appointment with the GP to tell them that the tablets aren’t working and your Sister needs something else to help her.

You’ve had sone very good advice already. This isn’t a problem, your DM can ignore, she needs to talk to the school regularly and get all the help she can for your Sister.

Will your Siater talk to you?

Does your sister not realise that if your mum goes to prison she will end up in care?

Pottering, if the sister suffers from real anxiety, she may be paralysed with fear and not able to force herself to go to school whatever the potential consequences. My dd threw herself out of a window under similar circumstances.

I was in care... they couldn't make me go either. They gave it much less of an effort than my parents. (Not the reason I went into care though)

Personally I would in your mums shoes withdraw her and enrol her in an online way of studying GCSES "home educated"

Uplight, this must be very worrying for you but there is nothing you can do. Your mum could write to the Local Education Authority to say she will be home schooling your sister but you can't make your mum do that. It sounds like a stressful position for you to be in, caught in the middle. Do you have any support?