Adult teen going nowhere...

[Argggghhhhhhhhhh]

No sure if this is the best place to post as DS is now an adult but still a teen and I'm still his parent so...
DS did A-levels this year, got mediocre grades because he didn't work despite best efforts from teachers (private school) and us. No clue what to do in life so we said take a year out to get some experience etc. Agreed before he even sat his exams that he could live here at £50 a week but must help out and must be employed-no dossing around doing nothing. That also included using a car we owned as we live rural and no chance of work without transport. (Aim is ultimately to give rent money back in a lump sum but he doesn't know this).
Got a job farming through someone we know by chance as they were let down. Was a bit unpredictable as harvesting is and low pay. When this ended his friend's dad found him another farm job quite a long drive away, better pay but still short term.
Kept stressing that he needed something lined up for end of this second job. He hasn't applied for, searched for or even looked for any other work. He needs to get more transferable skills rather than a job that is just driving a tractor (which is all he's done since July). LOADS of jobs around as local town and city taking on Xmas workers and loads of other roles-factory, office, pub etc etc. But nothing is good enough, or pays enough, he is not applying for anything and can't see the benefit of getting a good mix of different skills and experiences.
So is into second week of not working and is just lying around doing nothing. Isn't helping in the house, isn't doing anything except meeting friends when any are about and going on the piss. He can't understand why we have an issue with this as he "has money". Also announced he's going to work for friend's dad for a couple of days "helping out" which will be farm related again.
He seems to think that by paying £50 a week it gives him a pass to do whatever he wants which is SFO! (have to add it was only 2 weeks ago we got what he owed us paid-nearly £1000 with rent, borrowed money, fines etc and he only finally paid after he wanted to go to see mates at uni and we said we would chuck him out if he went off socializing without paying up! And now he owes 2 weeks rent again-doesn't see why he should pay weekly and doesn't believe rent is always paid in advance). Room is a pit, comes and goes as he pleases. Have had countless rows about it all and never make any progress. Says he wants to move out but making no effort to get a job or jobs to get money together for rent etc. We think joining the forces would suit him and give him time to grow up but he won't entertain the idea.
What can we do? Have just given him a ultimatum that he has to have a decent job (not helping out mates etc) in a fortnight or he moves out and leaves the vehicle. (And this is totally realistic as there any so many jobs advertised ATM). I can't have an adult child just wasting his life being on social media and doing nothing else!! But equally nothing we say or do gets any response or action. I know he is clueless about what he wants to do but doing nothing and hoping a perfect job or role falls into his lap isn't going to improve the situation. Anyone got any experience or advice? Is making home life very unpleasant at the moment and we have his two younger siblings to consider (who both have firm life plans thank god!).

I think the only way he is going to steer his way away from farming jobs is to move to a town.

It is probably easy for him to pick up farming jobs when he is living by the sounds of it in the middle of a farming community.

Could you find out exactly what he wants to do. Even just starting to find out whether working outside this summer was enjoyable and did he think doing it through the winter as something he would enjoy.

Then what type of work he likes eg Sport, a trade, Music etc.

I listed 1000s of careers/jobs under different general headings.

Working out side could contain everything from road worker to Gardner to bricklayer.

Sport could be umpire, ref, personal trainer etc

If he needs any type of course then he is going to have to start applying to colleges.

Even if he got low grades at A level he's still ahead of all those who don't have any and he presumably had a good basic education, is numerate and articulate.

This is such a difficult situation for you because he's your son and you want to support him but he doesn't appear to be doing much to help himself.

I think the year off is a good thing in his position, it will give him time to sort out what he wants to do without much pressure. Many teenagers of his age are outwardly nonchalant but inside are really quite worried about their situation. As long as he pays you the agreed rent, which is very fair, and does at least a few jobs around the house and is civil, I'd leave him to it for now.

What oliver'smum'sarmy said above about listing lots of jobs under different headings is a very good idea, will help him to be organised.
There are also apprenticeships which lead to a trade or a professional career whilst earning some money.

Good luck to you all.

Thanks for replies.
Although we live rural we're not remote-two market towns within 6 miles and city only 18 miles away so easy to get to. Second job that was handed to him was an hour's drive away. So there are plenty of jobs that aren't in agriculture within easy access. Most of his friends are from farming families though.
We have gone over and over what does he like, what kind of thing does he want to do-inside, outside, customer facing, office etc etc and just get "I don't know!". Then specific jobs are "boring" or similar. He seems to think a lot of stuff is pointless as won't lead to anything and can't grasp the fact that pretty much everyone has done crappy jobs that they haven't enjoyed on the way to finding a decent job (or that in fact lots of people have jobs they're not blown away by just because that is life!).
I have put so many differing roles in front of him, linked him to job agencies etc, got application forms-but he doesn't do anything and of course I can't apply for him because he's an adult and he needs to grow up and do it himself!
The problem is he's not paying rent as agreed and there is no way we can physically get money from his account-the only thing that has resulted in him paying has been threats of being kicked out if he went off galavanting without settling his debts. He is also not being civil and just waltzes in and out doing nothing, and getting cross if we bring his lack of help up or his failure to look for a job stating he's paying rent so why should he do either-then failing to ses the irony in the comment when he is refusing to pay the rent as agreed!
He has had a couple of opportunities to travel abroad and work and just dismissed those. We have also lined up opportunities to do work experience with differing professionals in roles we thought may be his thing once his farming ended, to get a feel for that and he hasn't followed up on those (again-we can't make the call to arrange that since he's a big boy now and should be able to do things without his mummy and daddy ).
We just despair that he won't try and do anything and just can't see the problem in where is he currently at with no plans for the immediate or long term future. And the fact that he has no idea means he has to try lots of different things to find what he does and doesn't enjoy doing. We can't decide whether he thinks a lot of things are beneath him (which they're not since he is a snotty nosed 18 yr old with no experience and mediocre exam results and he hasn't been brought up to think he is any better than anyone else) or he is just to afraid-despite his outgoing personality and I-know-everything teenage attitude-to actually get out there and communicate with adults and get a job.
I would worry that it has been the way we have parented that has led to this if it weren't for the fact that his younger siblings already have part time jobs that have given them a variety of useful, transferable skills and they have plans for their futures...thank god I hopefully won't have to go through this battle every time!

I think you should set a couple of ground rules then take a big step back. Set an amount of rent you're happy with (£50 seems low if it includes use of the car) - this has to be paid in advance, not negotiable. He has to do x/y/z round the hoyse (his own washing and cooking as a bare minimum). Then leave him to it. If he doesnt comlmy he needs to find somewhere else to live.

A couple of years doing farm work wont kill him or cause lifeling damage to an eventual career. You cant nag or micromanage him into bettering himself, he needs to learn to be responsible for himself and make his own decisions. You need to accept that his priorities and timescales are not the same as yours right now. And that he'll never be an adult whilst you keep trying to rescue him and sort him out.

comply

I think you've been doing the sensible stuff tbh. Living together doesn't sound great for you all.

Any chance he'd be able to flat share while friends while working? That would be a carrot to get him out of the "nest" and functioning. He'd learn how good a financial deal he gets at home.

I feel for you. Very difficult situation. It seems kids take a lot longer to grow up these days, and so many have completely unrealistic expectations and a poor work ethic.

Perhaps you could try not doing his washing. cooking, etc, (although a friend of me tried this and her son just ended up turning the whole house into a cesspit). It's hard to issue ultimatums unless you are prepared to follow them through. Does he respect his Dad? Could he be given the man talk about not being a useless knob?

Getting him into a flat/house share would be a good move. The sooner he learns to stand on his own two feet, the better. Good luck!

He's been to private school and they wouldn't have minced their words if he was behaving like this. He'll be used to straight talking. (Not saying he wouldn't have this in a state school, but if parents are paying then there's some pressure on staff.)

I'd sit him down with your husband - two against one - and say, "This isn't working out. You're treating this like you're on holiday. You're not paying rent. You're a really bad example to the other kids. You have lots of options and you need to pick one. The only option you don't have is to stay here, dossing around and paying nothing. That's off the table. So I'm giving you a month and something has to be different by then."

No smiles. No "I understand..." None of that. Just be very firm.

Then I'd leave the room and let him dwell on what you've said.

i think the private school might be the issue.

Dd was at a specialised private school in senior school but was very much in the minority who had been to a state school for primary so I know a few of dds peers who do look down their noses at her because of the type of jobs she does. Some are beginning to realise that dd is not only never short of money but is actually really enjoying herself.
We know of quite a few who despite being at Uni consider it beneath them to go out and do a job working in a shop or waiting on or bar work.

I think actually sitting down with him and making sure he understands that just because he went to private school that part of his life is over and it is time to sort out where his life is going and whilst private school might open a few doors for him it is up to him to push the door in the first place.

With Ds it might sound slightly Woo but I did his horoscope (not all Aries should be firefighters or all Librans should either work in a library or do law) the one where you plot his date time and place of birth.

I listed all the different jobs associated with having Sagittarius in his 1st house, Scorpio in his 10th house, Pisces in his 6th house for example.

With Ds he had a predominance of one of the elements.

He has chosen a career path none of the family had even thought of.

Atm he is at college and doing weekly assessments and monthly exams for this career path.
His average score so far is 97.5%
He loves the course and can’t wait to start working and the work, after really struggling in school(dyslexia, dysgraphia and adhd) he is finding it really easy.

He was also moved up from Level 1 to Level 2 and is the youngest by nearly 2 years yet top of the class.

He has never been top of anything before.

I think he needs to live somewhere else for a bit, meet different people and broaden his horizons. Is there someone he could stay with in a different area? Or maybe do something abroad for a year?

Which horoscope site did you use for that?

Astrotheme.com

Then just google things like Mars in 10th house meaning and read a few meaning to get the general gist and add the word careers to get career choices

Work and careers is a combination of 10th, 2nd and 6th house and 1st house is about personality.

I did friends ds’s horoscope.

I gave my limited understanding of what he should do which was what he had always said he wanted to do. It was there in his horoscope
However he changed his university choices at the last minute and is now studying something that he was adamant he wanted to do.

He got an A at A level in the subject but also got an A in the subject he always said he wanted to make a career out of.

Friend is very worried about him as he is now really down and not enjoying the course. Deep down she had confided in me that he has made a mistake.

One of the things that came out of his horoscope was he should do what he dreamed of doing as a child otherwise it would be his biggest regret and he would always think what could have happened if he had pursued it.

FWIW. I did friends and dispite spending 20 years in an abusive marriage I was only a few hours adrift from the day her STBEXH was escorting out of the family home and she began divorce proceedings.

I told her, solicitor and barrister the date, over 2 years later of when her divorce would be through.

No one believed me.

We are only a few months from that date and the way it is looking that date is not going to be so far fetched.

Or Astro.com is good for Astrocartography.

He just might be living in an area that makes him lethargic and a relication might be the answer