Don’t know how to deal with 17 year old son

[Benji13]

I feel at the end of my tether with 17 yr old ds2. He is a bright lad who flew through his GCSEs with little work. He went onto a grammar type 6th form - his choice and is basically failing. He’s achieving b in business which he enjoys but Es in his other 2 subjects. He is super lazy and does the minimum as far as I can see. I’m tired of nagging him to work and arguing. We have other family problems at the moment so my fuse is short and I’m struggling with the menopause. It’s a constant battle. He’s so unorganised tonight has lost 2 folders. I’m saying bloody awful things and feel I can’t handle it.
He professes to want to go to uni but I can’t see how. He just won’t listen. The college hassle me to get onto him but I’m fed up. My dh just opts our tbh.
What on earth do I do?
I love him to bits but god this is hard. He was depressed earlier in the year and had counselling and has moved out of it and is so much better now but we do get thrown the depression card which means I worry myself sick over him.
Help advice much appreciated 😔

Hand hold OP, I have a DS who’s also 17, and doesn’t listen either so I completely understand how frustrating it can be.

Sometimes we just have to step back and let our DS learn from his own mistakes, easier to say than do I know.

If there is some stress at home could this be effecting your son? I know my DS’ worry about my health but often choose not to talk. Could your DS talk to the college well-being team/student services if he wanted to?

Try not to let it get you down.

Is he in first year A levels?

He is second year A levels.
Don’t think he’s picking up on stress at home. He seems to be in his own bubble tbh.
I think I probably need to step back and let him fail or get much stricter. Not sure which. The strange no mans land of sixth form where they are not children nor adults is a hard call. College seem to expect us to be able to get him motivated and working and he ain’t listening.
If I let him fail then what?
I love him so much but he needs to understand life isn’t just for chilling. I

So has he applied through UCAS?

I know it's really, really tough, but you can't do it for him. I used to teach A levels and found the only way to deal with 17 year olds was to let them take responsibility for their actions. It's the only way they can actually grow up. Mentally, I would be thinking that he will be going back to resit, or will need to do something different eg an apprenticeship in September.

One thing to remember is that if he doesn't go to university this year, it doesn't mean he'll never go. Maybe he just has to grow up a bit first.

I don't have a ds but my brother was like this. Always went out during his a-levels and didn't do enough work at all despite my parents nagging and shouting at him. Result was he failed 2 of them and passed 1. He had to resit as no decent Uni would let him in on those grades. It was the making of him. He worked very hard during his resit year and has done well ever since. Has a great career to boot. Sometimes as parents there is nothing you can do but allow them to learn by making a mistake. Carrying on suggesting he should do more work and supporting where you are but then step back.

I have a 17 year old and an 18 year old.

It's hard, but I think you do just have to explain the realities to him and allow him to sink or swim.

I've always said to mine that there is no reason that you can't come back to education as an adult or that you can't have a very successful and happy life without doing well at school or going to Uni. However what working hard at this age does is give you choice. It means that even if you don't want to go to Uni now, it is easier to apply and go in the future without having to do access courses with less support than he has now.

DS1 was always pretty diligent and is now at Uni, DS2 was a bit of a bomb scare but he's now working hard to get back on track as he's realised he does want to go after all. Now it's an uphill climb and that's his own making. We've said the only option he doesn't have is tossing about the house with no job, no study or apprenticeship. Every other scenario is fine. DS2 likes to talk about being a rebel but deep down he wants to do well. He also had a bit of a depressive episode and is looking at whether he has dyspraxia as he struggles to organise himself and his head a lot.

Good luck OP. I'd definitely go for treating him as an adult rather than a child.