Legal Situation re: 16 YO DD & School Refusal

[SLMater]

Hello, does anyone know what the situation is legally as a parent whose 16-y-o won't go to school? DD is in the first year of A Levels. Has a history of self-harm and depression. Has recently re-started therapy after refusing to go for two years. (She believes she already knows everything they are going to say and it doesn't help.) She left boarding school after GCSEs as she hated it and wouldn't go to lessons there either: a decision I was happy to support if it would make her feel beter. Now, she's back in the state system, having refused two other private day-school options, but no says she hates the new school and simply won't go to lessons. Without wanting to sound unsympathetic or cynical, she's completely happy when she's out partying with friends at weekends, but during the week she's too depressed, in her view, to go to school. I've also paid for sleep therapy, since she has issues with insomnia. Nothing seems to help. I can't physically take her into school at the age of 16 and I'm at my wits end with what to do next. I'm assuming the point will come soon when the school will have to expel her for lack of attendance. I've suggested she do an apprenticeship or traineeship at the local college instead. But, she doesn't want to do that either. Essentially, she just wants to go our partying. Whether I scream and shout or try to be sympathetic, nothing makes any difference. Since the law changed the school/education leaving age to 18, I realize the onus is on me to continue like this for the next two years. She's rude to me, won't do anything around the house, smokes, drinks and takes drugs. Can I actually be prosecuted legally if I am unable to get her to complete any kind of education? I'm a single parent and her father lives overseas and, in terms of family, I only have my mother who lives at the opposite end of the country and is, in any case, too elderly to help. Can anyone offer any advice? Thanks!

Your daughter sounds like she's in a real pickle, mental health wise, which is going to make being at school pretty pointless even if you could force her in. You can't force learning and if she's too mentally unwell to engage, then what's the point? She needs some profound healing, IMO.

My advice, from knowing other teenagers, some of whom have behaved very similarly to your daughter, is to deregister her from school, thereby making her home educated. And then focus however long it takes on healing your relationship with her, because that is the single most important thing to get her to a point where she'll be able to learn and engage with life in a positive way again. It may take all of the next two years, but she's clearly in need to that with the behaviour you're describing. Stop pushing things and just love her and show you love her unconditionally, even when she's vile to you. I mean, don't be a wet blanket or a doormat, but don't punish her. See her behaviour as the symptom it is, a symptom that is really her psyche screaming outloud that she needs help and she needs it now. Quietly love her and, when she'll you, do fun things together to bond. Bring her a cup of tea in the morning and leave it on her bedside table while telling her you love her. If you see a nice top you know she'll like, buy it and bring it to her. Don't expect thanks at this stage - this is a process that'll take a long time. If she's awful to you, don't take it personally. Stay calm and just say 'I love you but I won't be spoken to like that. I'll be downstairs when you're ready to talk to me less rudely' and leave.

You've got some work ahead of you, but I've managed to do similar work and it's been incredibly positive and successful and the teenager in question not quite there yet but she talks to us now and opens up and spends time with us and is choosing to do things that are fulfilling and rewarding instead of damaging and harmful all the time.

Ps. Your thread title mentioned legality. Deregistering to home educate is legal.

You won’t get prosecuted if she isn’t in education after 16. There is actually no monitoring system that knows where all the teenagers are meant to be registered.

What will she do when her friends go off to university and she can’t do as she didn’t pass her sixth form education?

Thanks for such a considered and kind response, Fireworks: I think you might be right about the home educating and taking the pressure off, although I really wouldn't be able to do it myself, but I suppose I could get private tutors instead. And, as you say, the key thing is to try to get her to engage again with anything other than partying. I do try to be supportive and actually arranged to work from home part-time this summer so that I could be around the house for her, which has meant financial cut-backs but obviously I was trying to prioritise her well-being. It's just hard when they then throw it all back in your face. Anyway, thanks again for your reply: I really appreciate it!

Hi One Bite - thanks for the info about the legal position re: education. That's good to know. I think DD will feel disappointed if she doesn't do her A Levels and go to university but, unfortunately, at the moment, she simply doesn't care enough about anything to want to make it work. Clearly, she isn't able to think beyond the present. It's difficult to watch your child unravel but I suppose all we can do is encourage and support as best we can. They have to find their own way in life. Thanks so much for replying

Hi OP. Where is she getting her money from for partying and drugs? It sounds like she could be on a slippery slope at a very tender and impressionable age.

Sicario - I entirely agree with you that her current activities are leading nowhere good. I also went out partying at her age, but I still went to school and passed my A Levels and went to Uni. In terms of money, unfortunately, she has a lot of very wealthy friends, so even after I stopped her allowance, she is able to access drink and drugs.

I'd say your number one issue is the drugs and alcohol. That is why she is probably feeling like crap all week. The come down from them.

As other have said look at how that lifestyle is being funded. And at 16 very hard to stop them going out. But if she has an allowance for phones etc then that might have to be earned.

Hi Totally - I've had long chats with her and shown her articles and videos about the connection between drug-taking and come downs/depression; sadly, she just refuses to alter her behaviour. She doesn't have a job and I pay directly for her phone so she has no other sources of income for spending on things like that. As you say, it's really impossible to stop a 16-y-o from going out - just as it's impossible to get them to go to school if they refuse. I think I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes because it's all on my shoulders. Anyway, I have looked into online A Level programmes now and I think that may be the way forward under the mantle of home education. It's so hard to see the child you've raised from a baby go off the rails but I can only hope she will come out the other side. Thanks so much for replying

"I really wouldn't be able to do it myself, but I suppose I could get private tutors instead."

You can't learn when you're screwed up so tutors would be a waste of money. Think about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. What I'm suggesting is that you consider the lower levels of that hierarchy as your priority over however long it takes to enable the top tier to eventually be possible again. Right now, it's not possible. Keep talking to her and loving her and remembering that you can't force learning. When she is healed enough to be more open to other things, she'll stumble upon something that lights her up and that'll create the motivation she needs to learn what she needs to learn to do the thing she loves. You don't need a-levels to get into university. There are other ways to get there. There's a woman on my masters course who doesn't even have a bachelor's degree. But, really, if she didn't get healed now, university wouldn't be any use anyway! Focus on the healing.

Perhaps an apprenticeship would be better for her. She doesn't have to do A Levels. What does she like doing or is interested in?

Reread your post and see you've already suggested an apprenticeship. Is it a case of the local ones on offer don't appeal?

My friends DD struggled with a degree course, dropped out not long into it then got a job doing make up. She's very talented at it and she loves it.

I think you need to tease out what your DD's drive is. If it is partying would an events management course appeal?

Or would she do an entrepreneur course with a view to running a nightclub?

As the traditional options don't appeal and her health is suffering it may be worth thinking of the unusual.

Hi InProgress,
Funnily enough, I actually said to her just last night: why not look to work as a nightclub promoter or events planner - just trying to draw out of her some spark of interest, but she said she doesn't want to do that either. I have always been of the opinion that the traditional educational route doesn't suit everyone and as long as you end up doing a job you enjoy, it really doesn't matter how you get there. I think, as Fireworks has suggested, the underlying issue here is a lack of engagement with anything at all. I can only hope that if she commits to the therapy sessions again she will get somewhere with working through that and discovering a passion for something. Thanks for taking the time to respond. And thanks to all for trying to be heplful. It's just been a really bad day and I needed the support!