Sex and contraception 15 yr old DD - so disappointed

[lostcity]

My DD has been with her 16 yr old boyfriend for about 8 months. I have tried to talk to her previously re sex however was shut down. I discovered this week that they are having sex and using condoms. I asked her again and initially she lied to me then apologised and told me.

I am feeling much more upset and angry about this than I thought I would. I had a conversation with her yesterday about contraception and she told me that school told her that condoms are 98% safe and how was she supposed to go and get the pill? I asked her what would happen if the condom failed and she said she would 'just take a pill', I then asked her what would happen if she fell pregnant, she told me 'I would just have an abortion'. This was a balanced conversation it was all said very matter of fact .

I accept that there is nothing I can do about them having sex and that many teenagers do it. In my view she isn't mature enough for this but I am now in a position where I have to get on with it. We also had a conversation about staying over at each others houses and she couldn't understand why I don't want this to happen.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here really, just anyone elses experience and how they handled this - what worked for you.

I don't want her to go on the pill but again can't see any other option.

TBH I'd be surprised if they weren't having sex having been in a relationship for that long at that age.
Continue your discussion with her and talk through all options (pill, implant etc). Help her to make an informed choice about what is right for her. Then get her an appointment with GP or family planning at local hospital to get it sorted.
You're not going to stop them having sex so just help her to make sensible contraceptive decisions.
It's tough when they grow up as they still feel like your little child but you can't stop this from happening.

I simply rolled with the flow. When DD was asking about contraception we looked at the options and she went with an implant at 15. From my own experience I'd say that sex at that age can happen very impulsively and it's best to get some preventative measures in place. Grieving for her lost childhood should no place in your thinking. We're all happy when our children grow up in other areas, but somehow we want them to put the brakes on when it comes to sex.

My DD is 17 and has been on the pill a while , she has been with her bf 3 years, I would much rather she be on the pill than using condoms. However she actually wanted to be on the pill so I didnt need to persuade her. I think you need to tell her that having an abortion is not an easy option , that it would affect her emotionally more than she would realise and for the sake of popping a pill it could save a lot of unnecessary heartache. Also point out to her how fertile she is at her age and that literally one split condom could change her life forever. How about you offer to make an appointment with a nice female Dr and take her to the drs but not actually go in to the appointment if she doesnt want you to ?

Thanks for the replies. I know I need to get her to the GP and on the pill, using just a condom is too risky. I talked briefly to her about the emotional side of things. I agree re the grieving and letting her grow up however I was surprised how immature her responses were during our conversation. I guess I also feel I've failed because she couldn't come and talk to me about this and even when we did she hasn't (yet) been able to say/ask me to take her to the doctors (she can't get there on her own it's a drive away).

I am very much alone in this as DP will go ballistic if he finds out, but that's a whole other story that's making my life difficult.

Do you think her responses are immature as she is embarrassed that you know she is actually having sex ? Dont feel you have failed , parenting teenage girls is a minefield with their constant mood changes. How about offering to make an appointment for her at the Drs next week ?

Hi OP,

She's having sex with someone of a similar age within a committed relationship and is using contraception; the situation could be a whole lot worse. I know you don't like the idea of your teenager having sex but that's the reality and your focus just needs to be on getting more reliable contraception arranged.
Condoms are quite effective if used absolutely flawlessly, but with typical use the effectiveness is much lower. You run into the same issue with the pill; unless she will definitely be totally reliable in remembering to take it every day it might not be her best option.
It would be worth looking into long acting reversible contraceptives; the implant, coil (Mirena and copper) and injection. These tend to have a much lower failure rate as they are much less user dependent.
Best of luck

Pumpkin - I think you're probably right, she is embarrassed and didn't know what to say to me. I guess I had hoped that me trying to open the conversation would mean it became a proper conversation working towards what needed to be done. She definitely hadn't grasped that the condom needed to be used properly or it might fail. I also pointed out that she might not know it had failed.

I think I am upset also because she seems to think that now I know it's all ok and I would simply let her go and stay over at her boyfriends house this evening. Whilst I know I can't stop it I don't want to actively encourage it. Also I want her to show some commitment to her studies, I am worried this is a distraction.

Thanks again, I will get her to the GP next week and sort something out. I think I would prefer the pill as I'm concerned if the implant has negative effects she will not be able to have it removed. She has GCEs next year.

I know what you mean about not actively wanting to encourage it, we didnt have a great first chat about it but I figured rather an awkward conversation than an unwanted pregnancy. Is she the kind of girl that could forget to take the pill do you think ? My daughter decided to change the pill without telling me as she had read the one she is on can give you cancer I was fuming as she told me weeks later when she asked me to make her a Drs appointment. I just kept thinking 'oh my god she's going to get pregnant' ! (I know she is capable of making her own Drs app but if she is asking me to and its for the pill im not going to refuse!).

I have read that the sexual health clinics are more up on what's available, I think I'll look to see what the one in our area offers and times etc. She might prefer that. I just hope she doesn't have too many issues with the pill. At the end of the day I need to shift my thinking a bit and make it clear that she is responsible for taking it. I will be having a conversation about what happens if she gets pregnant. She's very good and giving excuses for things when they don't go her way so I need to make it clear that she has made this decision and needs to take responsibiilty for keepting herself safe. Thanks again.

Does she have a dressing table ? Strange question butt my daughter puts the packet of pills on her dressing table and a daily alarm is set too so she can’t forget and with her sitting there doing her make up it’s right in front of her not to be missed. Good luck having a chat later.

Your daughter is underage. The boyfriend is 16. My DH wouldn’t be onboard with this either. You can argue that they would still be having sex but for the moment your DD is underage. Have a word with the boyfriend

I'm confused about all the advice to get her a form of hormonal contraception. Won't that almost inevitably lead to sex without a condom and therefore the risk of infection?

I know ideally they'd use both, but but will they really?

I have told her she is underage however in my view this whole under age thing is ridiculous. She is able to go to the GP without my knowledge and be given the pill. They will do this if she is underage or not and not tell me. Who is taking any responsility? The only thing I can do is get her to protect herself and using just condoms is not sufficient protection to getting pregnant. The law says one thing but it's the parents that end up picking up the pieces.

We have just had another conversation and she knows about condoms protecting against STIs and how important they are. I can only tell her, I can't make her do things, that is part of growing up. We are going to make an appointment with the GP for next week.

Thanks for everyones help.

Does she wear make up? I always keep my pills in my make-up bag, that way when I put my make up on in the morning I see my pills and take them. It will also keep them out of view so they are not seen by your dp.

Sad if your dp won't be understanding, but she is better on the pill and using condoms because even if her Ddad disagrees with it, it isn't going to stop her having sex, it will just promote risky behaviour if you try to stop her.