DS (16) has no friendship group

[SadAboutTheBoy]

He has friends, but they tend to be just one or two, linked to things he's interested in e.g. friend who comes over to watch movies with him, or a couple of friends he plays PS4 with.

He seems obsessed with the fact that he isn't part of a wider friendship group. Last night had a big meltdown about how lonely he is, how he doesn't have anyone to turn to and how miserable his life is .

His school has the usual 'popular' crowd who are very active on social media with the alpha/rubgy males and the long, shiny blond haired girls all posting about what a fabulous time they are all having and I think (however much we remind him) he assumes everyone except him is out having a great time.

I think what triggered it last night was that he wanted to go to a bonfire thing on Saturday, but can't find/get a group together to go.

He has dyslexia and struggles a bit socially with the fast-moving banter. I don't know whether he doesn't get invited to things as people think he's a bit slow .

Don't know what to do to help, but I can't bear seeing him so upset.

Oh that must be so hard. Is he part of any groups? My DS goes to Explorers and while he doesn’t mix with them much outside of the sessions, he does enjoy going and doing all of the activities.

Hopefully someone will some help will be along soon

If he’s not a member of a sports team I’d suggest he joins a gym or learns martial arts, or some other form of exercise ( cycling,swimming, rowing ) it’d increase his confidence and popularity will follow

He already goes to the gym 4-5 times a week. He's not a team sports player, never has been. Although he gets on with the other guys in the gym (and walks home with one of them) it just doesn't translate into anything else.
"it’d increase his confidence and popularity will follow" - unfortunately this is what we have been telling him, but it just isn't happening.
The problem is that we live in a town and he's at a school where they've all known each other for years.
He feels like everyone still remembers him as the young, skinny kid with glasses from when he was about 10, even though he's now 6ft1, well built and has contact lenses.
It's really hard - he's almost reinvented himself as he's got older, but he still seems to have the 'baggage' from the past.

Teenage angst is awful, such a minefield of hurdles. It’s great that’s he’s goIng to the gym(I’m sure he will have a group of admirers before long)! He may need to work on his confidence. Instead of telling him directly of what to say to fellow gym goer, drop into the conversation about you saying something to someone as an example (Jayne and I started Zumba after I said to her .... after meeting at toddler group). Has he got a part time job? Some of the teenagers locally find social points from this. I am sure it will happen but try not to pass any anxieties on and play it down.

Is he 16 in Y11, or 16 in Y12? If the former, could you start floating the idea of moving to a different school for sixth form/college?

Realistically if he’s got this far without making a solid set of friends at school, it’s not so likely (although obviously not impossible) that he’s suddenly going to find them at school. Depending on his personality/outlook, he might find it helpful if you acknowledge that with him and that it’s rough luck he hasn’t found a like minded group at school.

Having a timeframe for being somewhere else and meeting new faces with a fresh start might be something to hold onto, and might almost let him give himself ‘permission’ to not bother with the kids at school.

Has he tried actually setting something up with the lad he walks home from gym with? Suggesting getting some food or something at some point? It’s a tricky age - will be easier when he can suggest the pub!

Are there any more social options linked to his gym stuff? Workout groups? Parkrun? Even something like a rock climbing group?

is he on social media?

Can he get an invite to something via a different group?

I find 16/17 year olds tend to be more accepting than the younger teen crowd.

He just needs to start going out where the others hang out

Could he get a group by doing it in stages? Could he start by asking the lad that comes over to watch movies if he’d like to go to the Bonfire or the lad he walks home from the gym with?

Asking one person and going is better than not going if he’s feeling isolated and it may lead to other events for him.

My DH didn’t make many friends at High School but did make some good ones at Sixth Form, which was at the same school, so it’s not impossible. Just wanted to mention it so that you don’t worry too much if he doesn’t want to change schools at 16.

I know this might sound slightly odd, but suggest to him he spends sone time this week reading How to Win Friends and Influence People —and a little less time on social media—

I only found my first true friendship group when I started college at 16/17 - new start, found people I had actual things in common with. I'm still friends with them almost two decades later. It may be that he might find similar - that when he starts a job, new studies etc, that is when people will see him with new eyes and not the kid they've grown up with. I remember though how very, very lonely I was at school. Everyone else got invited out to stuff, I never fit in with the "beautiful"/popular kids. I sympathise hugely with how he feels xx

at 16 people in the friendship groups tend to move on.Any chance of a part time job chance to mix with different people

What @EduCated said my dd moved school for sixth form and didn't know anyone but formed some great friendships . It's so hard to watch isn't it 

Yes, sorry, didn’t want to imply that he has to move for it to be ok! If he’s not yet hit sixth form, that does tend to be a natural time of change and of groups drifting and reforming.

It is horrible. I had the exact same, although at a point a few years younger. I can remember desperately phoning round people to see if anyone wanted to go to youth club with me and not getting anyone. It was crushing. But it did get better and change!

I did find a group at secondary, but by Y11 the cracks were starting to show - we’d simply grown up to be quite different people, but I found a lovely new group when I moved to a different 6th form, which is probably why that suggestion sticks out so much to me!

I also agree with talking to him about getting a job. My DN stared waiting on at 16 and it really gave him confidence. He’s still quiet but just seems more confident and relaxed.

Would he be interested in joining a sport which is 'individual' but done in groups - fencing, tennis club, any martial art? Very good way for the non team people to have a group environment, social (ish) activity - and build up that elusive confidence!

Your point about carrying 'baggage' from earlier years is a good one. Some teenagers can reinvent themselves to the extent that the baggage disappears - others can't, and then things may only really change when they move on. So definitely worth thinking of moving for 6th form or if he's already in yr 12 thinking about moving away after school.

However, having said that things don't sound too bad to me - he has friends, just not a group. Groups as we know from mn can be very fraught - I've come to the conclusion that one to one friendships are the things to focus on rather than trying to be part of a group! One problem is that particularly in teenage years society attaches huge status/prestige etc to being part of a big friendship group, even though it really doesn't fit everybody's personality. Could he suggest to one of those friends to go along to the bonfire, or have they each already declined?

Hello OP,

Firstly, for you as I know how hard it is to watch a child struggle socially. Honestly, there are many similarities with your ds and my dd including the dyslexia and struggling with fast moving banter especially when she was younger. It doesn't help she's a natural introvert either although this does mean she doesn't mind not being part of a big friendship group.

For her developing interests really helped, she now has a best friend and she has wider circle of friends although she is still only close to a few of them. She also has online friendships again connected to her interests who are a real mixed bag of people. I think realising what she wants to do as a career helped her see a life beyond school and its social cliques & hierarchies. She is planning on leaving school after year 11 and going to college. I hope as the course is connected to her interests that she will meet like minded people and make a good set of friends.

From our experience, I would say its a good idea to think about moving to another school/college, breaking into established school cliques at this late stage is not impossible but it is hard. Being somewhere new will allow him to be who he is now. Visit open days so he can see the possibilities open to him. I would also encourage him to take on new interests, get a part time job or volunteer. Anything that helps him to meet people and realise that the world is full of different characters, not just 'school kids' who are 'busy' on social media. Also be supportive but don't show that you are worried and upset or make it a big deal as this just makes things harder for them. Something I learnt the hard way.

I wish him and you all the best.

Very good advice here!

I'd also say - not as an immediate solution to the problem, but general principle as he goes forward - don't bother to try to get in with the populars, that is likely to fail! Look out for the people who are not wildly socially successful (and, importantly, not trying to be), and they are more likely to be more receptive to him. Girls as well as boys - less socially whizzy girls I'ms sure would be glad to be friends with your ds.

Could he ask gym friend if he'd like to go for a run one evening or at the weekend - could be a low intensity way of developing the friendship.

Oh and many sympathies - horrible to see your dc upset.

My DS struggled with friendships through secondary school, but seems to have fitted in at 6th form.
I worried about how little he went out previously, now he is never home and I worry he is not studying enough!!
He found friends who like similar music and they go to watch lots of bands. He has never been sporty and I do think this made him feel excluded at school.

Thanks for the replies!

He’s actually in Year 12 and just started Sixth Form at his previous secondary school. We discussed at length whether he should go to the very good local Suxth Form college instead- for all the reasons you mention: new people, new start etc but his choice was to stay where he was as the choice of subjects was what he wanted and he said he wanted to stay with the friends he does have.
I’m hoping this latest meltdown is just a blip - there’s been a lot of change recently what with sixth form being rather more independent. Also his older brother just went to uni and and I know he misses him even though they always seemed to be winding each other up!
He has actually applied for a local job recently but not heard back. I’m going to suggest he actually goes in to them today to see if he can ask them face to face.

I think he might have found a friend to travel to the bonfire event with tonight and once they get there I know there will be others to hook up with.

These rollercoaster emotions are exhausting though aren’t they?

They are indeed!

Yes, I think it can be very difficult for a yr 11 to make the decision to move 6th form - there is always the 'out of the frying pan' issue. And academically it may be safer to stay. So I can see why ds decided to do that - and in a way that's good because it shows he likes the friends he does have!

First term of yr 12 can be very stressful for a number of reasons - the work is harder, for one! Plus students may have hopes/expectations that things will be different socially - - then lots of scope for disappointment when they aren't different,, or they are different, but not in the way they'd hoped! And then having to decide what to do after school - schools are quite big on this from the start of yr 12, probably for good reason, but it can add to the overall anxiety. So, overall, it's not unusual to find yr 12 term 1, very difficult. Not that that is much consolation.

Still, it won't be long before there isn't much more of 6th form to go for your ds - sorry if that's a rather negative way of looking on the bright side! But worth bearing in mind things may be completely different once he's left school.