School phobia/refusing

[UnRavellingFast]

Just that really. What do people do? Ds is 14, I have struggled with this for a couple of years. He has adhd. I am at my wits’ end. When he won’t go in he either refuses to move from bed, won’t get dressed, won’t get in car. Even when he does do the above, I can get to school and sit in car with him refusing to get out. He also won’t do homework even when internet is taken away etc. Any tips? He is 6 foot so can’t carry him to car and I’m a single mum. TIA.

I'd be trying to find out if it's phobia (irrational fear) or refusal (don't want to go) and take it from there. To my mind they are very different and need a different approach.

I agree. This started as phobia and I could see real terror there and I treated it as such and got a lot of support for him. Now it’s not fear, it’s a kind of really bad pattern that’s set in. I just wondered if ppl who had gone through similar had any good tips!

Home education

I don’t particularly have advice but am in a similar situation with 14 year old ADHD son. He just won’t go sometimes. I’m asking Camhs for help, also the school. I’m also a single mum - it is quite a challenge

I know the headteacher of a local school would go around to the house of the pupil with her car and bring them in. Might that work? It must be hard for you Unravellingfast, I think you are a great mum.

@zinkies he won’t do any homework whatever I do- and I work to support us so home ed not an option sadly.

@squeegle I’m really sorry you’re struggling too. Perhaps we can share anything that briefly worked for us! Bribery works to some extent for my ds - ie I will buy him the tech thing (small) he wants if her does a clear week. Once he’s in a good run it seems to go well then bloody half term comes along and routine is gone and so we start again

@fairlybalancedmum thank you for your kind words! Yes I had thought of that but since divorce we live too far away and I think School have lost patience with us. However ds’s ed psych who we see once a year to check meds is going to write to reinforce that he needs support and encouragement not constant bad notes and detentions when he does come in

Thanks for comments!

School needs to be much more supportive. I'd suggest request the school to have a meeting with you and the ed psych so that a support plan can be arranged involving a graded timetable to help your son reengage. Preferably get your son on board with ideas that might help e.g. it he has a quiet room he can go to if feeling overwhelmed etc. Ask the school what are they going to do to help the situation, they have an obligation to address your sons needs, not just take a punitive approach.

@sealsong thank you that is helpful. It puts it in perspective. It’s been going on so long that I too have acquired the ‘ nothing can be done feeling’. I will ask the ed psych if he can attend a meeting. That’s a great idea. And addressing not punishing would be such a relief to him

We are also getting the school to work with the Ed Psych. I am very worried though as he has started smoking weed quite regularly. I don’t give him money, sonnot sire where he gets it. And that will not help when he needs to get up in the morning. I am really against the weed, but he won’t really listen to me, just keeps saying it’s only in the holidays mum chill out.

Yes a friend with adhd son who has added bonus of depression too says that her ds says weed is his only escape so I can see how it’s a magnet for boys like ours. It is a worry.

I think it definitely makes him calmer, but it concerns me for the long term and also because it’s illegal who are the people he gets it from. He won’t tell me at all. They change so much at this age. I am trying to stay calm and be supportive. I think it is extra hard as a single parent, you have to play good cop and bad cop, and sometimes it’s very hard to know which way it should go. I am involving the school and Camhs as much as I can and asking for all the support available. I’m also going to apply for an EHCP. Seems like there is such resistance to giving them, but am concerned if he gets expelled there will be no understanding of his needs ☹️

Ah Squeegle I hope it won’t come to that. hope you’re doing ok. I’ve contacted our school in a really nice and open way and they haven't bothered to reply. Sigh.

Yes! I hope it won’t come to that either. But it might. My son is not really wicked or out of control, but they are strict and he continually seems to break all the rules. He is not interested in going really. I’m already getting butterflies about Monday- week off for half term means here we go again!

Yes the restarting after holidays is a nightmare. I wonder why teachers don’t get trained in the psychology of adhd and the self esteem issues. It’s clearly proven yet kids like ours are constantly met with the ‘not being good enough’ attitude.