14 year old and at breaking point

[trishababyblue18]

My 14 year old has become rather challenging in the 6 months or so. He is smart, funny, has a part time job and doing amazing at school but then he has a wobble. He's been caught buying drugs, cane home high as a kite last week, keep finding tobacco and e-cig on him. A few months ago he broke into our safe and stole £100, then last night he stole his dad's money tin key with the intention of 'borrowing money.
He earns between £60- £100 a week, but I have been keeping track of it since his last weed buying.
Last niggt he flipped out, him and his dad ended up pushing and shoving each other as we tried to stop him from leaving the house at 11pm, but ended up he left and went to a friend's.
I'm at a wits end, he now says he's not coming home. When he gets into a state like that he actually scares me, he hits the wall, the language is shocking. He has no respect anymore for our rules, if he wants to go out, he goes.
I was very close to ringing police last night, we just can't cope with him anymore and don't know the best course of action. I know he won't be home today cause it's Halloween and he knows I'll try to ground him.
Sorry for such a long post, if you've made it this far!

He will come home. A) he'll want to, once he's calmed down B) his friend's parent (s) won't put him up forever.

I'm a bit curious about his part time job. What does he do? How many hours per week? What is his hourly rate of pay?

Has anything changed in his circumstances that you know of in the last year?

Ring your local camhs and ask for a consultation over the phone.

He works with me in a chippy, he gets £6 an hour and can vary the amount depending on holidays etc
He loves it and is very good at it, but it gives him free cash for weed and cigarettes, which is why I'm controlling it or trying to.

Going through similar.
My strategies are-
1.Priorotise keeping him safe.
If he runs off,for longer than 18 hrs, report him missing to police.
2.Buy drug testing kits online.
Test him monthly,and reward him for not using.
Cannabis isn't the most harmful drug,but under 18s need to use it sparingly.
Alcohol and tobacco are deadly.
E - cigs, although not ideal, are not that bad.
3.Reward him for good school attendance.
4.Never take his phone away- this is often a lifeline for teens.
5.Any physical violence,stealing from home or damage to property is reported to the police.
He won't get a criminal record,band police involvement may re adjust his attitudes.
6.Give him the facts about drugs, and cross your fingers.
7.Never kick him out of your home.
Always forgive him,and reassure him that he has your unconditional love.
8.Accept that trying to reason with a hormonal teen is virtually impossible.

1. Damage limitation is the name of the game.

10. Worry about what you can change, and reluctantly accept what you can't.

Good luck, one day he will come out the other side, find his place in the world,band hopefully be happy.
If you help,support and love him, it will always pay off.
God bless x

Thank you so much for your reply, really appreciate the advice!

I haven't got the energy to tell you our story and I don't want to hijack your thread, but we are in a similar position to you just now with DS2 who is 14. Suffice it to say I am watching your thread and hoping for some inspiration. The pp answer to you is very reassuring. You are not alone.

I would make sure he lost that job. It's not good for a 14 year old with a predilection for drugs and cigarettes to have so much money.

Our oldest never gave us this bother, and it's a complete shock to us.
I don't want to discourage his job either cause he will have more free time on his hands to get into mischief.

How does he feel about it - I mean when he kicks off/ you argue? I know you can't talk to him when he's like that, but what does he say once he's calmed down? Is he able to see that it's not good for any of you, including him? Does he get why you're trying to restrict him?

I'm a great fan of sitting down with a piece of cake (it's very hard to argue if eating cake!) and trying to have an honest, unemotional chat. Definitely praise all things good - so school, holding down a job, etc. Make him feel grown up - tell him he's 14, so old enough to see your pov. Ask him to work with you on it all. If you can get through that way and get him to open up, set boundaries then. Very tough to navigate though.

I am going through a very similar situation with my 14 year old daughter. She also has on occasion got aggressive and has ran away numerous times and we had to phone the police. Im a single parent so its very frightening and heartbreaking when you don't even feel you know your own child anymore. You aren't alone at all. Stay strong and put boundaries in place. After the police had been called for the third time they had to pass my info to social services. They called me and were actually really helpful. Have you tried speaking to them ?

Yes once he's calmed down, he apologised, tells us he loves us but he can't control his temper.
I do think we don't praise him enough and just pick up on the faults.
I like the idea of sitting down with cake, he actually enjoys baking which we don't do together anymore.
I haven't spoke to social services, was hoping to avoid that . Thank you all for the advice!

Maybe just telling him that if it carries on, you might need to contact them could help? By which I mean he'll be so shocked, that it might be a good wake up call? Good luck with the cake!

I've had to contact social services for some help, it's like walking on egg shells around him. He is still stealing money and we've installed cameras to prevent this. He's the only child at home now, and still denies it was him. I'm making him pay it back out of his wages but it still hurts he's doing it. Still going out when he wants even If we say no. Social services say there's a waiting list for help, so hopefully it won't be too long!

So many teenagers smoke weed these days. From experience I know the vicious circle smoking weekly regularly can bring, especially for emotional teenagers! On top of the hormone overload teenagers go through, smoking weed makes them even more short tempered, even more moody and very unreasonable which in the end can result in depression. Weed heightens your senses so if your already feeling touchy or moody, it provides an initial release which then turns in to a heightened state of whatever u felt like at the start. It's great he's open and honest enough to tell you his habit. Maybe do some tease arch in to the affects together as he may well be able to relate and make sense of why he loses control. Hopefully then, as a family you can support him to at least cut down. They don't realise but in actually smoking weed they isolate themselves, u all need to be on the same page. Good luck!

Little update...still in the same situation...have got social services involved, literally waste of time. She told him if he's going to do it then we can make sure he does it safely..Sorry but wtf!
I'm near at the point now where I give up, let him waste his money, get into trouble over it. I had to lend him a tenner as he got some on tick and was being threatened.
I've took his phone off him last night but he pays the monthly bill, so not sure whether I'm right or wrong there either.

There is another thread you might find helpful are teens affecting your mh. All sorts of teen problems been discussed and its helpful to know you are not on your own, that it is not your fault.

When he gets arrested having drugs on him / theft when he starts stealing from other people because he'll think he can get away with it the longer it goes on he'll probably use that to boast to his friends that he's been in trouble etc.

He's already been threatened for getting it on tick, next time they might not be as patient and let him have time to borrow the money from you. Teenagers are getting stabbed over petty shit like this.

I've got no advice really, but you could speak to someone at your local police station, they may come out to have a word with him, just to let him know that he isn't above the law and breaking the law does have consequences that he won't be able to just ignore like he does at home.

Mcmen71 where will I find this thread? Very interested.

Thanks for the reply queenbee, I don't even think police will do it for him. I reported him missing a few months back after he wouldn't come home and it just doesn't bother him!

trishbabyblue18 I see u found the thread a good bed time read.
When I have a bad day I read through parts of it again and it helps me

So still up to his old tricks with weed, grounded him tonight and took his phone off him but he sneaked out an hour ago....I'm feeling ill and just want to go to bed and hope I don't have to call the police to bring him home again

Sorry OP, that sounds so awful. I would be tempted to stop him working, he has too much cash. On normal pocket money he'll have to face his addiction. Or is that a bad idea?

How is he doing at school?

A friend of mines dd (14) told my dd on sat night she was smoking weed and I really don't know how to handle it. The girls eyes where all funny and my dd asked her what happened your eyes.
I know if it was me I would want to know but I don't want to cause problems for my own dd for telling. The mum is very popular and i'm sure a closer friend will let her know.
This mum does not tell me any personal stuff example her dd was cut on the head at a party and the mum said she fell out of her bed even though she took her to casualty so she knows what happened but probably embarrassed to tell so I think I should mind my own business.

I am in a similar situation, and am minding my own business.....

I think it's the hardest decision whether to tell or not! I have told one parent about the weed situation as her don takes part with mine and it's nice to know she has my back and we are on the same page with it.
The other mother of one of the girls is a social worker and bloody useless, she completely turns a blind eye

I rang the police on him last night, he was stoned and I have suspicions he is going down the route of dealing it