So upset by DS17

[SmokeAndBone]

telling me tonight that he doesn't want to take a Gap year because he doesn't want to live at home any more. Because we aren't a close family.

DD is already away at Uni.
DH and I have struggled a bit during our marriage, but married almost 30 years.
The atmosphere at home is certainly not toxic or abusive.

I have adored my children and we've done what we thought was right - good boundaries, open conversation, support with very little judgment, guided them to help them make their own choices. Plus the practical stuff - holidays, parties, days out, time with extended family, driven them all over the county. Even now the 3/4 of us regularly go out for meals together, watch TV, chat, take holidays.

I feel so sad. I thought I'd done OK. To hear him say we aren't close has broken my heart a little bit.

I hope you challenged him. My dd is only 12 but occasionally comes out with that kind of thing and I think launch my mini monologue of all the amazing things we’ve done and remind her of the laughs we’ve had and the cool places she’s been and the time she and I spend together. I do think they just forget. They can be so dramatic and self absorbed at that age. I’d probably feel a bit “eh?!” if my child said that to me but I would know it just wasn’t true and ask them to explain why they think it.

Oh ok, try not to take it to heart.

Like Carol said, he's probably just self absorbed and a bit thoughtless.

I would say it to him too... Not in a harsh way but just spell out to him that not all children come from loving homes with holidays etc.

The only other thing is .. why does it bother you that he doesn't take a gap year? I was itching to get away to uni. That is a good thing I think?

Thank you for your replies.

He did try to back-track when he saw I was upset (and trying to hide it!) I don't want to make him feel guilty if he genuinely feels that way. At least he felt he could express himself, which is what we've always encouraged. It just back-fired on me a bit!

I don't mind in the slightest that he doesn't want to take a gap year. His career choice means a long time studying - the sooner he gets on with it, the better 

I moved out and was horrible to my mum at 17. I was very egocentric and didn't think about how she felt. We are close now it was a phase. I wouldn't take it to heart, he's not intending to hurt you.