How to respond to teenage sex as British Asian

[Asianmum69]

I am of Asian heritage and my husband English . I was brought up strictly and therefore did not have pre marital sex - though plenty of ‘heavy petting’ ( My only BF was very respectful of my background and has been my DH for 28 years. )
Our 16year old daughter has asked me about starting the pill as she’s been in relationship for 6 months with boy of same age. He’s sweet enough . Met the family but she is definitely too good for him .

I feel very uncomfortable about them having sex so young. What happens if they split up, do they just move onto new partners at the same school ? All sounds rather sordid to me but that is my prudish background. I think they should wait til 18 and preferably not under my roof!

I realise this is all very hypocritical and That I should be pleased my DD has spoken t9 me about it ( which I have commended her for) . Her older sibling has left for uni and I’m sure slept around but never asked to have GF stay over. However I am really struggling with this and for first time in 28 years, am feeling the cultural differences between by DH and I .

For a 52 year old intelligent woman , I am feeling completely out of my depth.

I think at 16, over the legal age of consent, in a relationship and being mature enough to think of contraception and tell you. Shows if that's what she wants to do, then you need to put your feelings to the side on what is "sordid" etc and let her do as she pleases with her body.

What is sordid about sed between two consenting people who have feelings and are attracted to each other? I don't understand what difference two years would make either to wait.

Personally, id rather my daughter were on the pill than getting pregnant. I would remind her she also needs to use condoms to protect herself from stds and I'd be discussing with her, whether this is what she really wishes to do. To make sure she wasn't feeling forced into it or peer pressured.

Thanks for such helpful comments.
I do wonder if there is some peer pressure. She would be the first amongst her close group of girlfriends. And undoubtedly it would give her some kudos.

My mother's attitude toward sex sounds very similar to yours and this was 40 years ago.

My DM thought my sex life was something to do with her and she got involved and expressed opinions.

At the time I pretended to listen but totally ignored her as her opinions seemed so far from my reality. Her contributions were actively unhelpful.

Looking back I am still furious, it was absolutely nothing to do with her. Her opinions and comments, were unhelpful and related to her guilt, her issues, her relationships. My burgeoning sex life became all about her issues.

This is about your DD not you. Her choice, her body, her relationship.

Tread very careful you could untold damage.

Thanks for that. If you don’t mind me asking , did your Mum expressing her opinion force you to make the wrong decision just to rebel ?

The fact that DD asked me what I thought about her going on the pill, made me feel she wanted my opinion. I felt I would be dishonest if I said I was ok with it. I told her it is of course her decision, that I would take her to gP if she wished, though of course she can go alone . But that because of my own heritage felt 16 was too young to make such a decision. How can they really know what love is? Does he really respect her or is he just a normal 16 year old boy with surging hormones??

Well, 16 year old girls have raging hormones too. Maybe they are in love, maybe not. It’s over the age of consent. If you feel that she is too young, then tell her so, but that is your opinion and it’s her decision. Oh and please don’t describe it as “sleeping around.”

You are the same age as me, and your attitude is like my mother’s was when I was your daughter’s age. I moved in with my then boyfriend when I was 25. My mother described this as “sleeping around” and called me a slut. It was, frankly, none of her business, and her attitude didn’t help our relationship.

I am responding as a mother of teens myself.

I know lots of people on mumsnet think teenage sex is perfectly fine and we should all welcoming our teens girlfriends and boyfriends to spend the night in our homes and if we don't then we are repressed and awful. I am not really in that camp.

I have talked [extensively they will tell you! about the emotional side of sex. This is the hardest bit of having sex when really young i think[in my experience]
Once you've had sex with someone everything feels more intense, the good times seem better but the bad times seem worse. You feel more attached to them etc
I've talked to them about knowing someone really well and trusting them.
I've really emphasised the need for condoms in every single circumstance-that sex should never be unprotected unless you are actively trying to have a baby. I have stocked the bathroom cabinet with condoms and they know they are there for them if they need them.

I haven't said anything about sex being wrong. I don't want them to feel guilty about their sexuality but at the same time I want them to be careful and thoughtful about their actions.

i think it's a really good sign that she is talking to you-keep the dialogue going-that's the most important thing.

Thank you for taking the effort to reply crunchtime.
I certainly don’t want my DD to feel guilty about her sexuality but equally want her to understand the emotional side to sex. She has changed so much in the past year and this seems a huge jump. As stated before can’t help but wonder if it’s partly peer pressure led- to be seen as one of the cool , more mature girls at college.
My other underlying niggle is that I don’t think her BF is on the same emotional level as her . He’s been over for dinner a few times and definitely not as mature as her, though of course she refutes that.

I have thought about this over and over. I guess it comes down to whether you believe sex is something fun to be enjoyed without too many emotional attachments . Or if like me, you believe it is something that should be reserved for serious loving relationships and an act of love.

I know I can’t put my beliefs onto my own children and have to leave that to them to decide but value others views as I am feeling out of my depth.

Your beliefs will have been absorbed by her over the years though surely?

The other thing I've talked about a lot is consent. Even to the extent of pausing films at appropriate moments and asking " is that girl giving consent?" So they learn about body language etc
They get annoyed about my wittering but the way!!
Keep talking!

I don't come from a conservative background, but am a prude by nature, trying to support 17yo DD to make good choices.

I've talked about disease a fair bit, tbh! I work in contagious diseases, so it's an easy consequence to bring up. Plus "You don't want to look back in regret that you got close to that creepy guy" or be a victim of revenge porn. And to be brutally honest, I've told her that she goes to a conservative school where the kids may have absorbed conservative values from conservative parents; they may treat her badly if they think she makes bad (sexual) choices. It's crap that people are like that, but it could happen and she has to live it.

In the end, she knows I accept she'll do as she wants, but I encourage her to have high standards & take shit from no one. DD has a reckless streak, I need to work on making sure she doesn't give into it.