My Son (13) won't stop smoking

[LouisaRossini]

My DS 13 I've recently found out is vaping, smoking cigarettes and smoking cannabis.

Initially I went ballistic and grounded him - he went into a massive strop and went out anyway (through the window). I tried taking his stuff off him and blocking WiFi etc. It seems if I punish him it makes him more defiant and determined to behave badly.

Since then I have changed my approach and tried to calmly talk to him to no avail. I have also tried to reward good behaviour, but this doesn't work as there is no good behaviour! I've suggested if he is good for a week I buy him something (like an item of clothing or a manbag etc). This also doesn't work as he can't behave for 2 days let alone a week!

He won't listen to me. He is also refusing to get up in the morning arriving at school late, then playing truant in the afternoon.

I have spoken to school as his behaviour is terrible there as well. They have been supportive and are referring him for an assessment to the educational psychologist.

DH and I are just stumped. We just don't know how to respond to this behaviour. We give him NO MONEY whatsoever - but he's meeting up with his 'friends' and smoking whatever they have - at least he's not able to buy it himself.

Sometimes I try and tell myself it's a phase that a lot of teenagers go through, but I am worried sick and feel utterly powerless.

Anyone have any advice or ideas?

I think you have to play a mixture of soft and hard ball here. You're right to look at praising positive behaviour. But you need to come down on him really hard for the smoking, weed and bunking off school. At the end of the day you are responsible for keeping your child safe and at the moment you aren't. Where is he getting the money from to buy the weed etc? Is he stealing? Is he dealing? I think you need to be very clear with him - he has a choice - he can stop and attend school etc and have nice things or you will start coming down really hard. Stopping him from doing anything at all outside school, calling the police if he disappears. Ask the school for help with this. They should not be allowing him the opportunity to bunk off. They have to take some responsibility for this. The school may also be able to recommend or refer for some parenting support.

Is there anything else underlying this? Who are these friends he's mixing with? Do you think CAMHS would help? The school may be able to offer some emotional support for him. If push comes to shove you may need to get him out of that school and away from the friends.

Just thought of something else - does he have a smart phone? You could take that away as withdrawal of privileges for bad behaviour. If he really needs a phone then get him a plain cheap mobile phone.

Thanks pink teddy

Yes I agree I need to come down harder, but I’ve just got nothing to bargain with anymore. As it is he has no treats or money- although he is unable to buy it he’s hanging around with other boys (I think they’re older) who do have cigarettes and vaping equipment and cannabis.

My DH and I have decided we don’t want to take his phone off him as we are far happier knowing he can contact us if he needs to.

It’s his attitude which also worries me. He honestly thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with this behaviour- he thinks it’s all normal! The school refusal is about he says ‘boredom’. He doesn’t have any interest in school whatsoever- but this is not a new thing, he has never enjoyed it.

I feel so angry and upset with him!

Replace his smart phone with a crap cheap phone. I don't think his friends will continue to sponsor him with free cigarettes and weed so I would guess that he's getting money from somewhere. Keep your money locked away and grill him about dealing. Call the police if you're worried - that will give him a fright hopefully.

See if you can get some parenting support via the school - they might have a Family support worker or check your local authority website. There is a course called Strengthening Families that most councils run that you might be able to get a place on.

He is still a child. What has led to this situation? That is a key question that will lead to some areas to work on, there is no easy fix and adults around him will have to think hard and with an open mind. From your OP I wonder if he struggled at school (is he dyslexic? Any difficulties to understand what he is taught?) and reacts to those difficulties with challenging behaviour?

You must stop seeing him as a problem. His behaviour is the consequence of a problem and he does not have the answer to it, you and him have to find a way forward together as it is very likely you are part of what has led to this situation. Sorry to be blunt but thinking about punishments in cases like this will not solve anything.

The devil makes work for idle hands.

What interests does he have or has he had in the past. Can you start getting him involved in clubs and activities again? He needs a purpose and something to feel good about, especially if he is getting nothing good from school at the moment.

In these circumstances I'd be semi tempted to not enable the smoking etc, but turn a blind eye to it (which would be hard to do as I loathe smoking) and focus on getting him engaged in something more positive to boost his self esteem and keep him busy. Are there old friendships with kids involved in activities he can reconnect with to get him away from negative influences?

Brokenwing - yes I totally agree, he needs something to focus on. I have tried and tried. I regularly make suggestions about going out, clubs to join, hobbies to pursue. I also ask if he wants to re-connect with his old friends (the ones who were 'nice' and a good influence on him), saying they can come over for sleep overs etc.

He just won't budge. Unfortunately he has an 'I know best' and 'I know everything' type attitude. I'm tempted like you to turn a blind eye and hope he grows out of it. But I also loathe smoking and am a worrier so am finding it exceptionally difficult to do nothing.

I appreciate how difficult it is with a 13 year old, you can't physically make them do anything if they refuse to move.

The school youth worker is useless and needs reporting if he thinks its OK for 13 year olds to be taking drugs. I think I would focus on getting him away from the influence of these older friends. How old are they? Surely its a police matter if a 13 year old child is being supplied with drugs. I would also be concerned about harder drugs.
I think I would approach the police about the older boys and the drugs, maybe a visit from the police would give him enough of a shock. Does he understand its a criminal offence ?
Hopefully the ed psych report will give you somewhere to go with identifying and addressing the underlying issues

Actually I would speak to the police. It’s not unusual for dealers to use young people to sell/distribute their drugs for them. Look up some info about county lines.

Abitllost - I know kids like this and I’ll tell you exactly what led to the situation - the teenager choosing the wrong friends.

Its easy to blame the parents and imply they caused it. But it was simply hanging around with other kids who behaved like this and thought it was normal.

And do you know what, family therapy won’t fix this.

Louisa it sounds really tough, I am really fortunate the worst I currently get out of my 14 year old is a sulk when he has to empty/fill the dishwasher!

A big part of the reason for that I am sure isn't our parenting, it is because he is surrounded by positive male role models that wont take any nonsense, he respects and I'm pretty sure have no idea the positive influence they have over my teen. One was my dad who sadly died a couple of years back but did set strong foundations which I am forever grateful for as I am a big softy when it comes to ds. The others are his football coach, the karate guy he used to go to for karate when younger but now also does cross fit training which he goes to, and more recently an amazing personal trainer who has really helped with his confidence and stopped him feeling helpless after a few issues this year. The particular PT we found costs a small fortune for us but has really been worth his weight in gold. Most of his friends go to one or both of the same footie club/training class which are much cheaper. At £20/month for footie, £6/week for cross training and £25/week for the PT it's still cheaper than keeping the dog!!

Notice I don't say my dh/his dad (or me) in that list, this is because he is a teenager and sometimes simply does not listen to us and this means they just butt heads sometimes and get nowhere.

Can you identify anyone, an uncle/older cousin/or school friend, who he might trust not to feedback to the enemy (that's you btw!), might listen to and might take him under their wing? Not to nag him about smoking, but to talk to him as almost the young adult he's trying to act up to be and they can maybe encourage him to go to something with them on a regular basis, even if its just to watch and follow the weekly local footie team and go for a McDs and chat after, or preferably something physical - boxing, martial arts, training, gym etc. something he sees as more grown up, in hindsight offering him a sleepover probably wasn't the best idea just now.

He is super vulnerable here - almost more so if ‘in hock’ to older people who might ‘call in’ the favour. Have you heard of ‘county lines’ - use of young people to transport drugs for criminal gangs. They seek out kids like this .

I would refer yourselves to childrens social care, saying he is going missing. Call the police every time he goes out without permission or you don’t know where he is.

If it were me I'd switch his school and I collect him myself every day from school. Freedom is earned through trust. There are some awfully big red flags in here. You've got a very small window before he gets a bit bigger and you have no control.

I think the use of a smart phone has to be earned in return for good behaviour - such as going to school. It sounds like it's your only bargaining chip so you have to use it. You say he can use it to keep in touch but that's not really working at the moment is it, he's bunking off school and doing as he pleases. You need to get control back over this situation and fast. Drastic action needed.

Ted27 - it was my son that said smoking cannabis was perfectly normal not the youth worker (otherwise I would have gone mad!!)

Broken wing thanks - yes I agree some positive male role models would be great. My Dad and brother are not local and therefore we don't see them very often, but I think I need to try harder to meet up more often.

I have offered to take him boxing and to football clubs but he has said 'no that's too much effort' - he's a lazy sod, so maybe I need to push this a bit more.

What I'm struggling with most is how to react to this. If he thinks I'm nagging or going on I know it will push him away. However I am keen to let him know we (me and DH) are here to support him and help him but it feels like I am not reacting appropriately and maybe he is reading this as 'it's ok to behave like this' which obviously it isn't.

Also it's impossible to build a relationship with him when I am no longer giving him any money, treats or lifts anywhere. So hard to find a balance of letting him know he is loved and cared for but I totally disapprove of what he's doing and how he's behaving.

I also am scared to death that if I don't intervene appropriately it could be a very dark road he's going down which may be very difficult to change the path.

It's just so difficult, on the one hand I tell myself it's just a phase which he will grow out of, then another part of me gets paranoid (rightly or wrongly) that he'll be moving on to harder drugs and getting into all sorts of trouble. I just can't think about anything else, it's consuming me :(

Agree with Eva, KP and majestic. I said upthread that I thought he could be dealing - how else is he affording weed? You could ask school if they have police liaison or youth crime prevention officer that could come and talk to him? There’s some good advice on this thread.

sorry, I misunderstood about the youth worker.

There's lots of great advice about the postive male role models and having the right friends. My son had a personal trainer and has gone through scouts, he is at a great school which does not tolerate loutish behaviour.
The problem you have is that you are on the back foot. Your son isn't going to turn into a boy scout overnight. I think you do have to face up to the fact that there is criminal behaviour going on here. It's not a few fags down the park. Its cannibis and he is probably coming into contact with dealers.
I'm an adoptive mum, I know a number of adopters whose children have displayed similar behaviours. They really have found the police very helpful. I don't want to frighten you but at 13 your son is at risk, quite possibly from adult men. I really would urge you to contact the police.

First things first I would drop off and collect from school and not let him out until he can show he can be trusted.

This along with all the other great advice.

This doesn't sound like a situation you can easily get on top of. I work in a primary school and we had recent training on "prevent". It's not just about preventing terrorism but also stopping children from getting into gangs, becoming drugs runners etc (look up "county lines"). Basically he's vulnerable to exploitation.

This should be referred on via social services. School should have done this already if they are aware of what's going on.