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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I think my daughter might be gay. How can I get her to talk about it?

17 replies

Maylin75 · 19/10/2018 17:23

My daughter (18) has a new "friend" who I am almost certain she is dating. They hang out at my house a lot so I see how they interact. They're always giggling like school girls and really it's the eye contact between them that is "different". They just seem way too interested in each other.

I don't care if my daughter is gay. I accepted that possibility ages ago. I just want her to know that she does not have to hide who she is.

Thanks Mums!

OP posts:
Reaa · 19/10/2018 17:25

She's not hiding it

She just has not told you, would you expect her to tell you if she was straight?

Original poster
Maylin75 · 19/10/2018 18:34

Her nan (my husband's mum) is anti-gay and will sometimes make nasty remarks about gay couples and my daughter will agree with her. So I feel is hiding it Sad

OP posts:
Karachii · 19/10/2018 18:39

She doesn't need to talk to you about it.

She needs to know she can talk to you about anything, if she wants (that's the important bit)

Pushing her will be the quickest way to get her to clam up.

Meandyoumake2 · 19/10/2018 18:42

Maybe just ask her is the other girl her girlfriend? Or make an effort yourself to invite the other girl over for dinner etc ?

Undercoverbanana · 19/10/2018 18:46

She will tell you if and when she is ready.

Perhaps she is not sure. Perhaps she is bi.

I think it would be best not to assume or guess or try to get personal information out of her. Just show her she is loved, that her friend is welcome and respected and that it is all cool.

I think it is Nan that you need to have a chat with.

UsedtobeGinger · 19/10/2018 18:48

I thought the same when DD at 17 spent so much time alone with her best friend and neither had ever had a boyfriend.
Move on 12 years and they are both married (to men) and both have children and they are still best friends.
Just let them get on with their lives, they'll be fine and I feel the same as you - happy for my kids to be straight or gay.

chocsahoy · 19/10/2018 19:47

Personally I wouldn't mention the friend bec she might not be sure in herself yet

but I think I would just say straight up in passing sometime if you can find the right moment "you know I'd be totally ok with anyone you fell in love with - a girl, someone from a different background" etc because kids often hope their parents would be ok with it but are often not sure until they do come out. Maybe can use something topical to bring up subject eg if Harry& Megan on the news...

Original poster
Maylin75 · 20/10/2018 15:38

That's a good idea. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maylin75 · 20/10/2018 15:40

I agree. I'm going to get my husband to talk to his mum about her comments.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/10/2018 15:44

I'm going to get my husband to talk to his mum about her comments

Do you mean he hasn't done already? It wasn't done at point of speech?

I think if these things go unremarked or laughed at then the message it sends is everyone agrees with the homo phobic comments she makes.

On the other hand you could just ask your daughter. Say her friend is nice, is she just a friend or more, and see what she says. Do it lightly, like the answer isn't going to cause some major issue.

Inthetropics · 20/10/2018 15:49

She might still be unsure about her own feelings. I had a few very very veeery close and slightly romantic friendships before realizing i was gay. My mum and i have a great relationship but even if she had asked at that time i'd probably say to her that i wasn't lesbian, because i was no sure yet. I came out to hrr very early and she was very accepting, though.

What i find is very important is that you challenge her nan whenever she makes nasty comments. This will send a clear message to your daughter.

user838383 · 20/10/2018 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PMSwithacockinmydress · 20/10/2018 15:53

What i find is very important is that you challenge her nan whenever she makes nasty comments. This will send a clear message to your daughter.

^ same. Challenge them. Whether your daughter is gay or not, you need to be pulling them up on such disgusting things.

lljkk · 21/10/2018 06:08

"Her nan (my husband's mum) is anti-gay and will sometimes make nasty remarks about gay couples and my daughter will agree with her."

This would upset me a lot. I'd ask them both to keep those opinions to selves & not share them around me.

Not sure why you think your DD is gay when she readily agrees with the nan. If this is some kind of cluster-mindfuck I guess I could ignore the MIL but come down hard on my DD not to say such horrible things, and remind her that she (the DD) is allowed to have own life & opinions not shared with the nan.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 21/10/2018 06:30

There are ways to get your message to her eg

‘The most important thing in a relationship is that the person is kind to you and respects you. It doesn’t matter what background they have, what religion or colour, whether they are male or female, etc’.

‘If you ever want to talk about relationships or feelings with me, I will never judge you and I will always love you. Everything we say is confidential.’

parkermoppy · 22/10/2018 00:43

This was me. My mum asked and i denied it for about 6 months after just out of awkwardness. When it all came out she said it was the way we looked at each other that made things obvious. She will tell you in her own time, just subtly assure her that it would be no issue if she was, and she needs to know her nans comments are outdated and unfair

Shadow1234 · 22/10/2018 01:08

I definitely wouldnt ask your daughter. Im sure (if she is gay), she will tell you when she's ready.

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