Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

13 year old sullen and sulky around other people

16 replies

justpoppy · 16/10/2018 19:32

DS has just turned 13. I am a lone parent, his dad has never been a part of his life.

He’s sociable at school and always seems to have people to chat to but isn’t one of these kids who has a best friend. He’s bright and we’ll behaved and did really well in all his end of year exams. He does two activities in the week (scouts and something similar) and plays a team sport in the summer. He’s also involved in various music activities in school so does his fair share of extra curricular stuff.

Come the weekend he has absolutely no interest in anything other than his computer. He doesn’t go out with his friends to town or to the park (despite me trying to encourage him) and his social interaction all seems to be done online. I keep a fairly close eye on this and have strict rules that he only talks to people he has met in real life. When he spends time with me he is chatty, confident, talks about school, and is very open with me, but put him in a social situation with other adults/kids and he shuts down. Makes no eye contact, answers in yes and no answers and comes across as quite rude.

I’ve been with my DP for three years (we don’t live together and have no plans to) and he gets on well with him and his 3 kids and his wider family. But more and more so lately the behaviour he displays around other people is not on. He gets plenty of one on one time with me I make sure of that but I just don’t have a clue about how to deal with the sulkiness. Any ideas of how to talk to him would be very gratefully received. I want us all to be able to socialise together without feeling I have to make excuses for his behaviour.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 16/10/2018 19:58

When he spends time with me he is chatty, confident, talks about school, and is very open with me, but put him in a social situation with other adults/kids and he shuts down.

I think that this is pretty normal for boys that age. The good news is that if he can be sociable with you, he will eventually feel comfortable doing so with others he doesn't know as well.

As to how to talk to him, I would just encourage him to take small steps - shaking hands, making some eye contact, etc. Adults are like aliens to a 13 year old. He's not a little kid anymore or an adult yet. It's not an easy transition.

For what it's worth, I have an 18 year old son who went through the same phase and is much better socially now. He's off at uni making friends right and left. He just needed to define an identity and gain some confidence.

Clairenewbie · 16/10/2018 21:04

Your boy is probably at stage of puberty, has no idea how to deal with things yet. He won’t talk to you as your his mum about things that’s happening.
Your boy is normal, he’s not hanging about parks drinking and taking drugs, be thankful for that.

Original poster

justpoppy · 17/10/2018 18:17

Thing is the behaviour around my DP and his family is so inconsistent. Sometimes he’s on form, other times not so much.

When it’s just me and my DP he’s generally fine (so I’m confident he doesn’t feel pushed out by the boyfriend) and he’s known all the family for about 2.5 years now. We’ve got an event coming up this weekend and i’ve already prepped him by saying he just has to be chatty and pretend he’s enjoying himself for a few hours then we’ll be going home but surely I shouldn’t need to do this. Can anyone recommend any books I could read? I would say he’s an introvert (like me).

For what it’s worth I was a hideously sulky teenager and look back and realise now how awful I was. Both my parents lack social skills and I was never given any guidance on how to behave. I guess I just don’t want history repeating itself!

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 17/10/2018 18:22

It might be worth telling him he can talk to your partner about puberty, other than that I would nt worry, it sounds like he’s happy

Original poster

justpoppy · 17/10/2018 18:27

I’ve said that to him Northern and I think he would talk to DP, but this is the child who proudly showed me his first pubes and made me smell his armpit when he had BO so I don’t think there’s anything he won’t discuss with me!

OP posts:

MrsPatmore · 17/10/2018 18:30

Please don't keep describing him as sulky. He sounds like a pleasant lad who isn't being wilfully rude on purpose. He will be going through puberty and this brings so many feelings of insecurity. Help him to get through by drawing him into conversations; 'ds and I were just talking about that, weren't we?'. Impress on him that he has to be polite at social gatherings (no distracting tech) and you may still have to have a hand in organising his social life if he'll let you. Let him know he can count on you but he has to try to learn how to be sociable too. My ds is very much like this too - he's not naturally gregarious like me and my husband so we find it hard to understand but some people just find social interaction hard.

Rebecca36 · 17/10/2018 18:31

That sounds vile, I doubt he would be happy about you sharing that on here!

However (other than that), he sounds perfectly normal for a thirteen year old.

Original poster

justpoppy · 17/10/2018 18:37

Rebecca I doubt he would be happy but on a forum like this I hardly think he’s likely to find out. I was just making the point that we have a very close relationship and he does talk to me about all sorts of things.

Mrs P - thank you that’s really good advice. I try not to label him negatively (and definitely not to his face) but sulky was the only word I could think that describes him when he’s in one of those moods. My DP has two older children who sailed through their teenage years without any of these issues so he finds it difficult to deal with.

OP posts:

multiplemum3 · 17/10/2018 18:42

He's 13. Of course he's going to be moody at times, just leave him be if that's what he wants

TheWiseWomansFear · 17/10/2018 19:07

Sounds very normal and like he's a lot better than a lot of 13yos. He's moody and probably a bit self conscious as his hormones are mental and he's in a weird in between stage. I'd leave him be.

MissConductUS · 17/10/2018 20:22

Watchful waiting is your best treatment now. The patient will be fine in a few years.

BackInTime · 18/10/2018 08:56

I think it is worth remembering that for most teens a social event with extended family is their idea of hell. This is especially true if it involves lots of grown ups and little kids and no other teens.

What I have tried to get across to my DC is that a smile and a polite hello costs nothing and that if they behave moody and surly how this might be interpreted by others as being rude.

redastherose · 18/10/2018 09:10

Spending a good chunk of their time in their bedrooms online is basically what most teenagers will do, and social awkwardness is what your teenage years mostly are all about so frankly he sounds like a perfectly normal teenager. Btw I don't believe that your DP's DC's sailed through their teenage years without ever being sulky, uncommunicative or difficult!

BrokenWing · 18/10/2018 12:52

ds(14) can be like this, at this age they find adult conversations dull dull dull, it would be similar to me if I was regularly stuck in a room full of people talking about (for example) football when I wanted to be elsewhere. They can participate in conversations if the subject is something they find interesting and people take time to engage with them properly, not just a quick patronising and very repetitive and intrusive "how's school?", "you winching yet?" type questions.

At a recent wedding I was talking to an older niece who is doing her 1 year teaching placement and finding her feet trying to keep some unruly pupils under control and after a bit of encouragement by asking ds questions she and ds had a great conversation about it. He was interested in what she was doing and taught at uni because he could relate to teachers at his school struggling with this too, and it was something he could give input/ideas to (being a pupil!).

I would concentrate on him getting out and about with friends with similar interests and not worry about being around adults in groups, that will come as he matures.

Parsley65 · 19/10/2018 16:43

We were given some good advice about teenagers behavior: pick your battles and ignore the rest (through gritted teeth if necessary!). Our DS was similar at 12/13 and has just gone off to uni as a half decent lad. Stick with it - you're doing a great job...

JustDanceAddict · 20/10/2018 15:33

Sounds normal to me!! I have a 14 yr old DS who can be very monosyllabic even with me and on some weekends is gaming constantly. His friendships have been up and down this year but he doesn’t really like to talk about it with me and doesn’t like me asking what’s going on. He says I don’t understand and then goes off in a huff.
I have to grit my teeth and just let him sort out his own issues and come to me if he needs help. He’ll always say hi to any adults/my friends that come round but he doesn’t really enter into much conversation, dd is much better at that.
I think if they’re doing well at school and interested in their studies and a hobby or two then it’s fine at this age - they will mature into decent members of society!!
I was quite interested in adult convos at his age but I think it was different in those days - no internet!!

Flip