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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Not sure my son 14 is normal

47 replies

salterello1 · 15/10/2018 21:41

My son 14 doesn’t seem normal to me - but I think may be I’ve lost sight of what normal is as teens can be such a handful.

School - he has no interest whatsoever. He often is in trouble and often storms out of class.

He has no interest in spending any time with his family- he’s either out or in his room.

I’ve tried to get him into in various activities or hobbies but he just shrugs and says he’s not interested.

He’s very moody and often gets angry and swears.

He sometimes makes loud and spontaneous noises

I’ve just found out he’s been in the bathroom with a scissors cutting up the toothpaste tube and a shampoo container- when I asked him why he just laughed in a sort of mock evil way.

He often refuses to eat during the day then will eat a lot in the evening.

Constantly lies and secretive

Is this normal or should I take him to the GP?

OP posts:

MrsPworkingmummy · 16/10/2018 20:53

As a teacher of boys this age, I would say that what you are describing is not normal. Too be honest, it sounds like he's downright rude, disrespectful and badly behaved to me. He has too much control over you - nip this in the bud. Is he a gamer? It sounds like it. If so, disconnect the console and force him to join the real world. Honestly, his behaviour is not typical of boys his age - well, not the nice ones anyway.

TheWiseWomansFear · 16/10/2018 21:06

Other than the food it sounds like my StepBrother who is around his age. Does really weird shit like the toiletries and random shouts - when asked why he says he doesn't know he just felt like it/thought it would be funny.

It's not good but it's within the realms of what I've experienced as normal

TheWiseWomansFear · 16/10/2018 21:09

Ah your follow up sounds less normal

Failingat40 · 16/10/2018 21:11

Wow typical narrow minded teachers response right there! No wonder kids like this up and leave classes. You are only seeing the behaviour, not considering there's always a reason behind it.

Op, the impatience and impulsiveness, not recognising hunger then feeling urgent need to eat immediately could be symptomatic of ADHD. Anxiety is common alongside ADHD. It's also common for kids with ADHD and anxiety disorders to self medicate with Cannabis.

The first thing to do is to try and talk to your son and connect with him. It sounds as if there's a bit of a drift there.

The GP can do a referral to CAMHS if you're certain his behaviour is of concern and warrants further involvement.

I'd also consider another school if his current one is not helping.

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2018 21:28

Wow typical narrow minded teachers response right there!

Did you mean to be so rude to that poster? Simply because you disagree with her? Her opinion is as valid as yours.

And from what I can see, for much of what the op has posted, yes her son could just be an ill behaved spoilt teenager.

Not every child who acts out at home, and this is only at home, is suffering from some form of disorder. So yes consider the reasons, but consider it might not be some form of disorder. He might just be a poorly behaved rather molly coddled teen.

Original poster

salterello1 · 16/10/2018 22:43

No he’s not a gamer.

School have mentioned making a referral for an ed psych assessment - I will chase this up.

I’ve tried not collecting him when he phones but he just gets upset and calls me constantly until I get him. I think this is about anxiety and control.

I’ll make an appointment with the GP and hopefully I can get him to come with me.

His younger sibling has autism but has more obvious autistic traits so it’s possible I have overlooked this with DS1.

He has admitted to me that he has tried smoking cannabis and although he said he’s stopped I suspect he’s lying as he said it makes him feel ‘normal’ as the rest of the time he feels ‘angry’ and ‘bored’. Although I have no idea how he maybe funding this as I no longer give him any money.

OP posts:

PurpleShepNeedsToGoToBed · 16/10/2018 22:53

Look up pda pathological demand avoidance or sometimes known as autism with demand avoidance

Noises boredom anxiety control

While autism, the demand aspect means that it might not look like your other dc asd

Fanjango · 16/10/2018 22:58

Many teens can be withdrawn but when it's prolonged and has been the same to some degree for some time it does need to be looked into. Pda isn't widely accepted nor understood but placed within the ASD umbrella currently. I have two diagnosed asd and one I think could be but is now of an age where it's his choice. Take a look here

Original poster

salterello1 · 16/10/2018 23:03

Thanks purple - thinking about it the main characteristics of his personality are control, anxiety, anger and boredom- he is also obsessive about his stuff and things in general. He also has a massive problem with authority and has no fear whatsoever of police for example.

If he does have some sort of PDA, what would be the best way to help him and of deal with him?

I’m struggling to connect at all with him. Maybe medication will help with the anxiety? I don’t seem to be able to control him either at the moment.

I really don’t think I can cope with 2 children presenting very different but challenging issues- on the spectrum.

OP posts:

Original poster

salterello1 · 16/10/2018 23:05

Fanjango - thank you for the link, it looks very interesting, I’ll read it properly tomorrow

OP posts:

saratustra · 16/10/2018 23:08

A teacher saying that's not normal behaviour for teenagers or "not the nice ones anyway"
How kind and understanding.

HollowTalk · 16/10/2018 23:11

I was going to say he'll be smoking weed. It's so common with teenage boys and it really does affect their behaviour.

Singlenotsingle · 16/10/2018 23:37

Has he always been like this, or is it a recent change in behaviour? You say he's 14 so surely you would have picked up on it long ago?

Sunflowerseed90 · 16/10/2018 23:44

Is he smoking weed? It can cause psychotic tendencies.

Sunflowerseed90 · 16/10/2018 23:46

I'm concerned a teacher is speaking that way about a troubled teen instead of what's behind it and causing the behaviour.

Sunflowerseed90 · 16/10/2018 23:47

Godhelp her school children. Witch!

Failingat40 · 17/10/2018 00:39

Yes, especially as a teacher she would not only appear lack empathy and lateral thinking...she's also got poor grammar. It's to not too.

It's perfectly clear there is significant concern in the ops posts about her son, as well as autism in the family and a referral from school yet this pond life still judges this kid to be a spoilt gamer.

Get teachers like this out of our education system. Rotten to the core.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/10/2018 00:41

It's one post, @Failingat40, you're making lots of assumptions about an individual you know nothing about.

BigusBumus · 17/10/2018 09:46

Salterello1, Your son sounds a lot like mine was/is. He is Year 11 now and turning 16 in December. He has always been a bit different to other kids, right since about 3 years old, but an easy baby and a good sleeper, so I never knew what to say or how to approach the Doctor - "Hi Doctor, my sons a bit strange and a bit wild".

He goes to a very nice school where they care about him a lot and have helped me loads. He is at times charming, engaged and helpful, but its only ever on his terms. He seems to lack empathy with people but has loads for animals, makes strange repetitive noises, squeaks, songs etc. Will listen to the same song over and over for weeks, eats tons and then nothing for days. Is always bored and when he is god help his little brother as its pick pick pick at him. He has been in trouble loads at school, not terrible things but just constant arguing, messing about, disruption, bending rules etc.

Eventually they called me in (about the millionth time) and handed me a leaflet on ADHD. I could have cried with relief. Everything clicked with it and I got a referral from the GP straight away to a private Paediatric Clinical Psychologist at the local Nuffield Hospital. It cost me £150. He was assessed and through various means (talking to me, school etc) he was diagnosed as Classic ADHD. Even though he has always been a good sleeper! He has been fairly hostile to the diagnosis, not wanting to be seen as different to his peers, but he has taken his meds fairly well (Equasym XL 30mg) and has calmed RIGHT DOWN at school, whilst still remining the same boy with the same spirit.

The consultant told me he is probably on the spectrum somewhere along the Aspergers side but it would be unhelpful to label a 15 year old boy at his stage of education as such as there's nothing much that could be achieved by that, but tht ADHD is controllable. Anyway, its only been half a term so far and things are improving vastly. He is still seeing the private doctor which has cost me £150 + £50 to see him twice and £45 for the private prescription which is now being taken over by the NHS so will be free from now on. I am lucky to be able to afford that I know and if you possibly could please think about the private route as your son might need diagnosing straight away before his GCSE year like mine did. Not saying that's what's wrong with him, but it might be something to research and think about. In the first instance make an appointment with his form tutor / Head of Year and ask what they think about poss ADHD and take it from there.

Also my son was/is the same about time and being picked up etc. He knows I will be at school at 4.05 to pick him and his 2 brothers up but he always seems to ring me panicking when I am just round the corner. Pick your battles, if its not really hurting anyone then its fine, but if its affecting others or you then they are the battles to have. Like my son will always forget to bring his mug down in the morning and I don't bother to scream and shout, but if he starts making the other 2 late for school by dawdling then that's an argument I will have. Anyway, take care, it must be exhausting for you . I sympathise. xx

Original poster

salterello1 · 17/10/2018 10:30

BigusBumus - thank you so much for your detailed reply.

I also related to the lack of empathy with people but loving animals- we have a dog who always seems to lift his mood, he also sleeps with him at night.

Also like your son is unpredictable with his eating habits- will go days eating very little but then empty the cupboards and eat non stop - again just assumed it was a teenager thing.

I would be happy for him to see a doctor privately and can pay but I’ve heard a private diagnosis doesn’t really mean anything- not sure if this is true, but I’ve been told school won’t class it as bona fide as it’s ‘paid for’, therefore limiting possible additional support.

I plan to take him to the GP as soon as I can get an appointment- but am worried he will refuse to come, do you know if he has to be seen by the GP for me to get a prescription for some meds? I presume so.

I am keen to get something sorted as I believe he is self medicating with cannibis which of course I am keen to stop as I’m in a constant state of worry about him.

Thank you again everyone who has taken the time to post some really good advice and support.

OP posts:

Roundabouthusband · 17/10/2018 22:00

@shapeshifter88 I can say with a lot of confidence he is not cutting up toiletries to make bongs. You can do it with a water bottle and a pen, no need for toothpaste or shampoo bottles etc.

Squeegle · 17/10/2018 22:07

He would have to be seen by the GP. If you are going to go for an assessment of any sort then you will need to go to a child psychiatrist or psychologist. My son was diagnosed privately, but the diagnosis was then accepted by CAMHs. This enabled us to fast track. I was lucky as the cost was covered by BUPA which I had at work at that time. Good luck. It is so hard. My DS now does not want to take any medication, but at the least we understaand some of his issues and why he behaves in this way

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