13 year old constant micro-aggressions

[OUATIA]

This has been going on for a while, but is getting worse and I am losing the plot over it....

DS is 13, has some mild additional learning needs (processing, working memory and fine motor skills) and is small for age, nowhere near puberty yet. I also have a DS who is 8, and still in the sweet, kind, small boy stage, bright and capable with no learning needs. Boys are in independent school, they have a 'good' life, we live in a nice house with garden, they have their own bedrooms etc. Only mentioned for background/scene setting.

DS13 is so jealous of his younger brother, it is awful. He constantly niggles and nips at him verbally, criticising and being unkind, blocks doorways to stop him getting through, hides his possessions, issues orders, takes things off him, mocks him and laughs when DS8 cries. He also does it to me, with the door blocking and being obstructive, deliberately ignoring requests and instantly starting something else to avoid being helpful. It ends up with DS8 offering to do whatever chore it is for an easy life. He still has sufficient respect not to try it with DH, but he is now working away 3 days a week, and is out of the house 6.30am-8pm on the days he is here in the week.

It is never one large and obvious issue. But, when he is at home, he is like this ALL the time, constant micro-agressions. All I seem to spend my time doing is telling him to stop, issuing screen bans etc. Yet, at school, his behaviour is impeccable, he is the top of his year for rewards on this front, even though his academics are weak. He has a reputation for being kind and caring with younger children, is well liked by staff and pupils.

I am at the end of my tether with it and don't know how to resolve things. He is making the whole family's lives miserable, especially DS8. Being ultra nice with him makes no difference, he just sees that as weakness and gets worse.

Any advice most gratefully received.

To be honest these things don't sound particularly "micro" at all. It reads as constant, nasty bullying.

Is DS1 being bullied at school?

How's he doing socially?

I would speak to his teacher to see what's going on...whoever his form tutor is.

In the meantime, issue a strong reaction to any bullying he does to DS OR to you.

Explain first what bullying is and tell him that if you see him engage in this, you will immediately remove his computer or whatever it is that he likes best.

The item will be returned when a decent apology has been given...no sullen "Soreees" allowed.

I only use 'micro' in terms of the types of things. A lot of the time, he will try to brush it off as 'only a joke'. But, it is all the time. e.g. I cannot tell the younger one to go brush his teeth after breakfast, without the older one running to get there first then trying to shut him out of the bathroom. And then saying it was just for fun and why can't DS8 take a joke'.

I have spoken with the school before and am assured that they don't see any issues there. He is not being bullied etc. We had some incidents in the summer with online bullying, where others were excluding him from games and it may well be spilling over into school, but he has always kept a wall between home and school so it can be hard to get an answer. He is emotionally immature for his age, which doesn't help, as I don't he is keeping up with the others as they are growing older.

I will pick it back up with his tutor again, as they are not aware of the stuff in the summer, as it was initiated by someone who is no longer at the school.

From what you've said, it sounds as if he's doing a really good job of handling the additional challenges he faces within school, but maybe feels furious/anxious about them so is taking them out on those closest to him.

I have a DC who had considerable health issues for a while, and they were exemplary with other kids and at school, but did this kind of stuff a lot at home - on an unconscious level, they were furious with me for not being able to make them better, and furious with their sibling for not having the same issues.

What worked best for us, though it's hard work, was separating out the behaviour entirely from the person, and being absolutely zero tolerance on the behaviour while acknowledging the feelings; eg "X, we never block doorways. It makes other people feel frightened/hemmed in. If you are feeling frustrated/upset, I'm here to listen, but I need you to move right now and then we can sit together." That's probably a shit example, but a rough idea! There can be natural consequences imposed as a result of the behaviour, but don't use punishments, as they just make an angry or anxious kid even worse. Try reading "How to talk so kids listen.." - it turned my parenting round.

Hope that may of some help. I really sympathise - it's horrible living with that level of aggression.

Could it be he's struggling at school and he's trying to play top dog at home with soft touch mum and younger brother while is dad is away. I know the threat "wait until you father gets home" is both old fashioned and inadvisable for a lot of reasons in modern parenting.

My dad would have knocked us for 6 (figuratively speaking, he wouldn't have actually hit anyone) if we ever intimidated, bullied or disrespected our mum.

If he still respects his dad, and I assume your dh is a good role model, is it possible he has more 1-2-1 time with him and regular words with him about how he looks up to men who respect both their parents and do not bully younger children. Keep up the feedback via your dh until he starts respecting you again.

I see why you called them micro aggressions with the explanation about the teeth brushing scenario.

I agree that's kind of difficult to police. However...that said, I would sit him down for a tough conversation where you explain that doing things like this constantly is bullying, plain and simple.

Be specific. Mention the kinds of things which are causing the issues. Be clear. "I do not want you to race DS2 to the bathroom when I tell him to go and brush his teeth"

"You are not to block the door when I or DS2 try to go through it" and so forth. Also explain what will happen if he does...removal of his computer. Immediately.

It's vital as I am sure you realise, that you fix this for your younger son's sake. I was bullied by one of my siblings and now as adults, we have no relationship at all. I went no contact because there were just too many bad memories.