DD getting pressured by peers, any strategies?

[Wisteria]

DD1 has always been well behaved but this year seems to be getting into trouble in and out of school, although she really does seem to be under peer pressure as opposed to wanting to get into trouble... Does anyone out there know of a way she can stay popular without losing her 'street cred' and popularity

Sorry, that should have read ...stay out of trouble without losing her street cred....

Wisteria, is she involved in any sports/activites such as dancing etc? If not, then perhaps encourage something like that? Tho if she isn't involved in them already, might consider them "uncool".Nothing else I can suggest, but hopefully "bump" this for you at the same time to see if anyone has had similar experience and found a way to cope. And happy to lend you moral support, we have different probs with our DS so I know how worrying it muts be for you.

Hi Lilolil
Thank you for your help, I have tried to get her into more things and she is currently with the National Youth Theatre doing drama and in the drama group and rounders team at school. As I said she is a good girl on the whole and has certainly been taught right from wrong but seems really easily led and desperate to stay in with the 'in crowd'. She was caught shoplifting in December (first time and predominantly bullied into it, I think she looked guilty before she'd even done it which is what raised the shop keepers suspicions), she cried for a week (as did I through shame and the usual 'what have I done wrong? etc etc!) and she was grounded with no privileges for some considerable time. We thought all was ok now but then I smelt alcohol on her breath on Friday night when she came in at 8.30 and I caught her out of the school grounds during lunchtime on Tuesday.
Don't get me wrong, I know that all these things are a fairly natural part of the learning curve for her age group but I'm so worried that she's being coerced into doing things against her will (no excuse I know, but so worrying for us parents).
I've told her how much we love her and that I understand how hard it is to stay on the straight and narrow but am trying to find a strategy she can use to say no to these friends without being called names and getting upset about it. I think one of the worse things is not feeling that I can trust her....
Wisteria (feeling fraught and frazzled.....)

I can't tell you how many times I've wondered where we've gone wrong. I think all you can do is keep setting the boundaries, keep making it clear what is acceptable, what isn't, ground her when she breaks the rules, keep telling her how much you love her. All the things you are doing. And, as with toddlers (cos they act like toddlers a lot of the time!) make a really big deal of the all the good things she does, even small things so she gets praise as well as grief. I've no idea how to handle the peer pressure thing. You can tell them til you're blue in the face that they shouldn't do things they know are wrong just because someone else is doing it (and you hvae to keep saying that too) but not sure how much they listen. Hoping someone else has found a good way of dealing with that. It's tough, isn't it? Why do those lovely little babies have to grow up into teenagers?!

Oh it's so reassuring to talk to someone who understands, most of my friend's children are younger so they haven't reached the teenage years yet and consequently just think they'll never have to go through it and she must be a 'bad 'un'! Admittedly, I was told by other (wiser)Mums that everything would change at 13 but really didn't believe it either....
All I know is that I went off the rails a bit at the same age (although never got arrested, was a whole different ball game then!) and my M&D didn't have a clue what to do, so more or less washed their hands of me which basically left me with more time to get into trouble; all I remember is that I felt that I had disappointed them so much they'd never think much of me again so have made sure I tell my DD that I love her all the time, would hate her to grow up thinking I don't.
Let's just hope both your DS and my DD come out the other side without any lasting damage. My partner's Mum said to me the other day - have a good look at them at 12 then hold that vision as you won't see it again until they're 16-18, apparently she believes that if you have instilled enough morals/ manners and ethics into them at 12 then they'll come back to that when they reach the back end of puberty!

You know, I don't think your DD sounds that bad (and my DS isn't really either). I know you'll have been horrified at the shoplifting, but if she cried for a week, she was obviously beating herself up over it too. I'd have been more concerned if she'd just shrugged it off. Yes, it was wrong. But we all make mistakes. She seems to realise that, so you must be doing something right! I think they just don't think through the consequences of their actions. Keep strong!

No, she isn't bad at all - it's just that I worry about her not being strong enough to stand up for herself, it's fine at the moment, she's only doing what most teenagers do at that age (I remember nicking a lippy from Woolworths when I was her age and feeling so guilty I took it back!!), I certainly had a drink at the park at 15 but what happens when she's offered drugs etc - I just want to give her some tools to use so she can be herself, IUKWIM..