When nobody can help..what now?

[CaveDivingbelle]

14 year old DS always been a challenge with an explosive temper ( but can hide it at school). He's vile. Violent and aggressive at home, punches and kicks his brother, squares upto me and threatens us. He rules the house. I have to warn anyone who visits.I've had GP referral to CaHMS who couldn't help. Counselling for him, which he played along with. School who dismissed it as teenage angst ( after he's wrenched a door off). I've tried rewards, sanctions,rules, everything. I feel suicidal..and he laughs in my face.

I feel for you. Could you ask the police to speak to him and explain that the violent behaviour is against the law? It might shock him?

Problem is that as he gets older he could get bigger, stronger and possibly dangerous. I would threaten him with the police, and then next time he attacks his brother, actually do it. He has to be stopped now for everyone's sake including his own. What does his df say about it?

Single parent here, no dad, no grandparents...no anybody! Think that's a part of it. He's well aware it's him against just me

When he hits his brother or damages your property....RING THE POLICE!

Look at it if this was a different child who was 14 and attacks your other DS , what would you do then? Yes he may be DS but like you have wrote he is vile!
Sometimes with people like DS he needs the fear factor that if he does do it again he will be arrested!
Sad I know but look at how sad you and other DS are right now!

💐...good luck

I sympathise. I am almost out the other side. It's crap. It's hard. It's heartbreaking.
I think the hormones manifest themselves as anger.
I hope you get help.
Don't think it's unusual. It isn't. Which doesn't make it any easier.
But please seek professional help.

Record every day the good and bad and report assult to the police.

Look up NVR
Non violent resistance

It's so hard to call the police. It goes on record.

Is there ever a time when he is calm? Could school mediate a discussion with him?
Set some absolute ground rules- be realistic, not aspirational- I.e no violence, not clean entire house everyday.
Pick the three things that are key to relieving stress.
So, no hitting/ punching etc. Ask him for suggestions of consequences- I understand you have tried, but maybe with school on board? Can you video an episode so they know how tough it is?

When things are going wrong, can you and other child quietly leave? “We agreed no violence. I’m not staying for you to behave like this. Text me when you are ready.” no more discussion, out of the door for couple hours- pub for tea? Treat yourself and other child.
Maybe when it doesn’t create drama he will bring it down a notch?
It’s an incredibly difficult situation.
Your local pcso might be able to suggest an organisation that does youth mentoring.
Also, Samaritans. Never let it get too much.

Thank you PP's . I have started recording him. He saw me yesterday and tried to grab the phone, I ended up accidentally twisting his finger to stop him, which im not proud of as I knew if he did get hold it would end up flung across the room ( as his headset and xbox controller had been a minute earlier) The look of hate on his face...He's refusing to speak or acknowledge me or his brother in any way this morning.

I tried leaving the hose with my younger one - he just blocked the car and took the drama outside.

What has worked - disengaging. No words/conversations etc just I'm not getting into his.

Joining a boxing club, with the accompanying threat that if this is used in the house we will stop paying

Joining a community gym

It's like inviting a clumsy tsunami into your life at best, but I guess I'd phone social services & say I'm not coping and there is domestic violence.

If he is actually violent call the police - safety has to come first and they can fast track mental health services. Another option is to call social services - if you say you and your other children feel like you are in danger they will need to assess. Only you know if you feel he is actually dangerous - the health services aren't there to parent children, but if you feel he is mentally ill go back to your gp with a log of behaviour.

You are not alone, I've felt in danger, the difference is she is female, I'm taller (she's fully grown) and I have back up, dh, who I've called home in the past.

On a positive note it got better around 16/17.

Not sure if what I'm about to say will help you, but it might help you to know that you aren't alone. My son has a mental illness which was diagnosed about 4 years ago, after many assessments, and it took for him to attempt for none to listen and agree he needed help. He eventually got the help he needed, and is on medication now which has helped enormously. We had to move him schools while he was going through all of this because his real pals dumped him (they didn't understand) and his new pals were leading him astray. Anyway, that's just a bit of background as to who he is. Now, we are living a life of hell with him. Violent talk and actions streaking off us and off family members. He's off the rails, an we don't know where to turn. We have gone to the police both with and without him, they've had a word, but are unwilling to do much else. I'm sorry I can't help you. I just wanted you to know that there are others going through the same, and if you fancy a chat, I'm happy to listen. Also, as I'm seeking advice, if I get any, I'll let you know x stay strong x

Not sure if what I'm about to say will help you, but it might help you to know that you aren't alone. My son has a mental illness which was diagnosed about 4 years ago, after many assessments, and it took for him to attempt suicide for someone to listen and agree he needed help. He eventually got the help he needed, and is on medication now which has helped enormously. We had to move him schools while he was going through all of this because his real pals dumped him (they didn't understand) and his new pals were leading him astray. Anyway, that's just a bit of background as to who he is. Now, we are living a life of hell with him. Violent talk and actions streaking off us and off family members. He's off the rails, an we don't know where to turn. We have gone to the police both with and without him, they've had a word, but are unwilling to do much else. I'm sorry I can't help you. I just wanted you to know that there are others going through the same, and if you fancy a chat, I'm happy to listen. Also, as I'm seeking advice, if I get any, I'll let you know x stay strong x

My sister got to the end of her tether with my niece. She was violent and abusive at home, disruptive and abusive at school. Camhs sent her away twice with the advice that she was just choosing to be badly behaved. She rang social services in desperation. She was allocated a support worker who has been absolutely brilliant. She has gone to school meetings with her and offered advice and support. Sorted counselling for both dsis and niece. Niece won't engage with her though so she's very possibly going to be moved on to a different family soon. I don't know if that might help you but it was an amazing resource and source of support for my sis who like you is a single mum. She went for her 3rd referral to camhs today and has been diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression and this is apparently poss8bly the cause of some of the behaviour so she has now been referred for CBT. Maybe try camhs again? If he won't engage though with those services i dont know what youd do but I can empathise massively.