How would you punish this?

[thedeathofme]

Today was the last day of a punishment that DS13 was on for getting caught on his iPad late at night at his dads house (ipad is usually here, neither of us even knew he had taken it). He'd had a phone ban apart from for school, ipad ban, xbox live ban and a delay on getting the new fifa. All was to be back to normal tomorrow.

Reason his dad was so harsh (in my eyes - I felt bad about the fifa ban as it was the day he was meant to get the new one) was that he has form for using his phone past bedtime when he knows he's not to, but, my hands up, I am not good at keeping on top of it i.e. removing it from his room at bedtime. Sometimes he does it without even being reminded though.

Tonight he happily placed his phone in my room. Hour and a half later I saw the flash of the screen under his door. At it again. But lied and lied and lied, even wanting to pinky promise me he had "only checked the time". Turns out he was on his Snapchat.

So what's the punishment now? He was getting fifa tomorrow, waiting on new football boots being delivered. had asked to go to a sleepover at the weekend, and we've just forked out £100 deposit for an almost £700 school trip. I went off on one and basically said none of that's happening, because I'm actually quite hurt by the bare faced lie and attempt to manipulate me. So whats the reasonable reaction here? Apart from this he's actually a really good kid! And the trip can't be cancelled anyway, I shouldn't have even said that.

And trust me, I won't be taking my eye off the ball with the screens at bedtime again.

I've been reading this as having similar issues with DS 14 and DD 11.5.

If you don't use punishments but attempt the self-control route where do you go if they can't exercise self control? Serious question. DS thinks I should allow him his phone in his room all night, but I am very reluctant.

I honestly think my two would be up all night if I let them take gadgets to bed with them. We have endless talks about WHY it's important to leave screens behind, the benefits or reading an actual book, getting the right sleep and nutrition etc, but they are still impulsive, even after we have agreed the 'rules' for screen use, and still tell bare faced lies -(which really annoys me and right now would result in the offending object's removal for 24hrs) I think I'm quite lenient with screen time and don't go on too much because they are actually busy doing other things a lot if the time.

NorthLaine you talk about the best approach given he can’t self regulate. You don’t punish him for not being able to self regulate. Maybe the solution is that you remember to ask for the phone or you switch off the Wi-fi - you agree to remove temptation. My dd was watching too much Netflix and we talked and so sad if she couldn’t self regulate I’d have to change the password - she agreed that was fair. But she’s been able to limit herself - if she couldn’t I’d have changed the password to help her stick to agreed limits.

Quantum (sorry using app & haven't worked out how to bold) OK so we do this - there are agreed rules about handing in phones and so on - DS is actually fairly compliant recently - but not always - there are still issues when he won't get off the Xbox lets say to come to dinner. Which is just rude and disrespectful.

DD will hand in the phone then sneak down to the agreed charging point where they are meant to be left when they go up to shower etc and take it again, then if I go and ask where it is / does she have it she lies and says she left it in a sofa / can't remember etc. I know it's in her room. This drives me a bit bonkers. What I'm asking is - would you have a sanction at that point in the proceedings like losing it for a day?

I’d have the conversation and ask them what you should do - kids are often harsher on themselves than you ever would be - but when they have suggested the penalty they are more likely to take it on the chin and it won’t cause as much bad feeling between you.

We went with no sleepover, no fifa now til next week. He got his football boots today and is still allowed some Xbox time over the weekend. I still have his iPad, but he can use his phone if making plans for the weekend, (hopefully a game of football!), and then it's back to me.

He said he expected to be grounded for a month!

Buy a Koala box
You can set time limits on the screen time
Set it to homework mode
Restrict apps like snapchat
Allow some apps you chose
Check how much time they've had
Extend the time of they've earned it
Stop internet all together
So he can have his iPad for home work
Restrict age inappropriate stuff etc

With the £70 charge and then free to use and easy to set up

Punishing teenagers rarely works. There are better ways of getting them working with you and at the same time helping them to gain independence and make more mature decisions.

He said he expected to be grounded for a month! And yet he still risked turning on his phone? - and now he thinks he got off lightly?!! He might even be getting a wee buzz from the risk of getting caught.

Good luck op I genuinely hope we are all wrong and your dc is different and you manage to punish all the unwanted behaviour out of him.

I'd remove the phone for a week and then have it handed in with any other mobile devices at bedtime. I wouldn't change anything about the fifa or football boots etc but I would remove any devices/screens from the bedroom permenant ly.

It's important to manage the phone use and it doesn't do any of us any good to use it at night but it's important not to be too controlling with teens, imo

Lweji makes some excellent points.

It does seem that you're chucking lots of punishments at him for what isn't a 'major' offence.

He's not going to know whether he's coming or going and which day of which punishment is finished.

Take the phone at night; keep the phone. Lock it away. Issuing punishments around Fifa and deposits and sleepovers is probably counter productive.

well, in our house we try and work on the basis that all devices are downstairs before bed.
ds aged 15 now is allowed his in his room
dd1 aged 13 is a pain, as she doens't really go on it, but she also 'forgets' to bring it down.

Now, we have a simple rule, not downstairs overnight, phone stays at home for 24 hours.

You seem to be making a mountain out of this. It is pretty standard behaviour, and the lying etc is just a classic way to get round the draconian punishment.
In my experience children lie when we are too harsh/unreasonable.

So, get better at bedtime policing, make sure the phone is downstairs, every single day. Problem solved.

and it used to be that these things were left in his room for him to be trusted with, but he couldn't
too young, and you need sensible screen behaviour to be modeled and enforced. Dcs school ask u as parents to make sure no screens overnight in bedrooms. They include TVs in that! They ask us to model it too. They have a very low rate of on-line bullying

He might even be getting a wee buzz from the risk of getting caught.

Or he might be grateful, even if he doesn't say it.
At some point his life is one big punishment and he won't notice the difference.

Most people who break rules don't expect to get caught.

My younger brother and I used to stay up for as long as possible after we were told to go to bed, we'd hide every time someone went to the loo...we loved playing this game of dares - the punishment was usually a smacked arse...we still did it, the punishment just made it more exciting!

The new fifa is 50! Does he just get it? Not for a birthday present or Xmas?

Wow

I put them to work as a punishment. Make them pay back the misdemeanor by doing some good in return.

It works better for us than depriving him of things.

He will be dispatched to fold laundrey or match socks or sort out the recycling or wash the car.

Something that saves me time and takes up some of his free time. At the end there is a tangible good change (laundrey done, car clean).

I had a couple of friends at school whose parents made massive deals about tiny ridiculous things and imposed totally panicked out of proportion punishments.

Neither see their parents much now and they have fairly rubbish relationships with them. Just keep that in mind and maybe try to get a bit of perspective.

I put them to work as a punishment. Make them pay back the misdemeanor by doing some good in return.
My Sister did that but she went a bit overboard and her ds did not complete all the tasks - 3 months later he asked to be released from his punishment to get his ipad back as his main Christmas present...she had to concede that the punishment was excessive and released him.

My ds are teens now and it is only the younger one who is still punished.

The jobs are rarely needed these days maybe 4 times a year and for 1 hour. Works for us.

Downeyhouse She asked him to do seventy-five 5min jobs, it was crazy, I had tried to talk her down but by the time I did she had already issued the punishment and didn't want to lose face. Her extreme reaction was caused by her ds lying to her, and that really set her off on one. She seemed to think her other 2 sons had never lied to her - more like she never caught them - she really took the lying quite personally.

Wow 75 jobs!!!! 😱

As parents of teens (one of mine is out the other side at Uni now) I think we have to give up the control we had when they were little.

I find speaking about what they have done at length and helping them work out where they went wrong is more effective with teens. Also trying to promote an atmosphere of “if you tell me we will talk it though” and “if you lie and hide it you will be punished”.

They soon learn better to be honest and reflective than deceitful.

Raising teens is hard. Some are easier than others and what works for one may not work for another.