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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

do you have a "coper"?

15 replies

heartofgold · 03/10/2018 22:15

a teen that takes on everyone else's burden alongside their own?

my eldest (15) has lived through years of mental ill-health and alcohol misuse (mine). at times i'm sure she has felt massive pressure to hold thing together when her mum (i) was clearly not coping. she has a younger sister (by 4 years). i think she's internalised the "coping" face so firmly she's unable to shed it when it's a real burden for her - taking on the strength and depth of others' pain and sorrow. there's empathy and supportive friendship and there's losing yourself down a very dark hole with no rope back...

(for full info i was diagnosed autistic last year, she's on cahms asd assessment track)

if anyone can relate? or suggest... well, anything... ?

OP posts:
Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 22:19

bump for active...

OP posts:
ChimesOnSundayMorn · 03/10/2018 22:22

That was me. Still struggle to ask for help and taking on everyone's pain and never prioritize myself.

It's good you recognize this and resolve to sort it. She needs encouragement to look after herself and allow herself to be looked after.

Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 22:33

she distances as a way of finding relief in separation - i'm very much the same. she actively pushes away encouragement and support :(

when she was little i could look after her, maybe cook something she liked. she has a very limited diet these days and likes the consistency of ready-meals - until she's eaten too many and can't face the one thing she would eat... she doesn't do physical contact except very rarely on her terms (i'm an inveterate hugger Blush), she doesn't want to talk anything through with me, despite repeated attempts. she will talk to her dad ... which causes him panic and stress :(

this reads much less empathetic than i feel towards her - i'm just at an utter loss with how to deal/cope with it/make it supportable for her. she's previously made a fairly determined suicide attempt and i'm desperate to find a way to reach out and reconnect.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 22:46

bump for active...

much appreciate the response and perspective chimes x

i dont think i can stop bumping this thread until i don't have a burning, active fear of my teen taking her life.

funny (as an ancient mumsnetter) the number of threads that mattered so intensely when she had colic, or wasn't gaining well, or when someone looked at me funny for abc, or when i wasn't sure if i had the legs to carry off that frock, or my intensely held political views on xyz...

none of it matters a bean when you face the prospect of your world-turned-upside-down child asking patiently and repeatedly if they can hand their life back, cos they really don't know how to cope with it :(

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MintyJones · 03/10/2018 22:50

Are you fully recovered yourself and able to reassure her 100% that you won't let her down again and you're there with her to support her as a parent and she does not need to support you as that's not her job and you won't allow that to happen again?

I don't mean the above to sound harsh. But I'd say it's fundamental that she knows those days are over and you're stable and strong now

MintyJones · 03/10/2018 22:51

It's a shame that reaching out to her dad causes him ' panic and stress' - why is this? Does she have an adult in the family who is rock solid that she can maybe talk to?

Notveryadventurousname · 03/10/2018 22:56

Does she get a chance to relax and have fun, with you or with friends ? What small things make her happy? Could you build on those?

Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 22:57

i can show her how far i've come since my diagnosis last year. which is significant in terms of availability, usefulness, adaptability, sobriety. i can show her how hard i worked when i returned to education. at a time when things were precarious personally, but i personified persistence!

i always hoped i shielded her from the worst of it but there will have been days she saw me crying, unable to get out of bed, there have been many "mum" jobs that her dad now does - getting her to school and being the main contact if she needs collecting etc.

atm i'm caring for my mum who lives alone, nearby, with advanced cancer/radical surgery/chemo. i don't think this is a bad example to be setting in terms of priorities.

but no, i'm not "recovered" - i have an autistic spectrum condition and always will have, and have to make accommodations in order to survive myself.

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Tarrarra · 03/10/2018 22:57

I've just posted an hour or so ago about my asd ds who has stopped coping and is having a crisis. He held it in for a long time but something snapped. Does your daughter's school /college have any kind of counselling? Can you speak to the asd team or cahms? The NAS have some info on asd and depression on their website. It's so hard to find help sadly, and I'm sorry if I haven't got any advice that's useful, but I do relate to what you are going through and send hugs and strength.

Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 22:58

It's a shame that reaching out to her dad causes him ' panic and stress' - why is this? Does she have an adult in the family who is rock solid that she can maybe talk to?

he's a worrier, by nature/nurture. i'm the happy-go-lucky optimistic one Shock

the closest other adult is my mum, who was recently diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer.

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Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 23:06

thanks tarrrarra

we're ongoing with cahms. they're offering cbt that she doesn't want to do. (i was more compliant in my turn, did cbt aged 19 or so - my therapist essentially sacked me because we couldn't reach any kind of mutual understanding to proceed from Blush)

without an official ASD diagnosis she's unwilling to look further into that side of things. they gave her dyspraxia and hypermobility at the last appt which seemed to answer some questions.

but it's the overwhelm from being back at school that really seems to be laying her low - with minimal expectations over the summer her mood lifted significantly.

i have to say her progress bares a striking similarity to mine: coping... just-coping... amazingly still coping... skin of the teeth coping... everything falls apart, speak to no-one, eat nothing and stay in a darkened room for a month...

if i could somehow help her find a more sustainable path...

OP posts:
Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 23:23

last bump for active tonight, but i can see turning into a massive pita Blush

my kid has been suicidal in the past and is heading downhill right now. i guess i only stop asking for help when it's too late to do anything...

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Nousernameforme · 03/10/2018 23:29

Similar but not identical situation dd was suicidal for most of senior school. That sounds so blasé but it is awful. We are on the pathway to diagnosis at moment but she never had to step up and cope like your dd.

You can't change their thoughts, what you can do is make time for her but not to talk about feelings or therapy she will get that help from cahms. You need to be mum, watch her favourite shows play video games board games read whatever. You will show her by making that time for her at a very busy time in your life that she matters and is worthy of love and attention.

If she is becoming more restrictive with eating go with it don't make it a big deal as long as she is actually eating. Try having more snacky food available so having something to eat doesn't need much thinking.

It is effectively love bombing but within her comfort zones.

Original poster
heartofgold · 03/10/2018 23:38

You need to be mum, watch her favourite shows play video games board games read whatever.

she explicitly doesn't want to do this (i've asked/suggested). i find it intensely difficult to do this. what she wants is to be left alone with no interaction to recover from the social school day. i feel exactly the same at the end of my (somewhat less social - adulting bonus) day.

part of what's enabled me to recover since my diagnosis - quitting the heavy-duty psych meds that were keeping me alive, and quitting a lot of the compulsive/addictive behaviours that supported my not-coping - has been about recognising how much time i need alone to recharge. how much more pleasant and useful i am to be around with sufficient decompression time.

for my youngest i can see that she really blossoms with some attention and her-focussed time, and do my best to make time for that every day. for my eldest the only thing she asks is to be left alone...

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Nousernameforme · 03/10/2018 23:47

Some alone time can be good but it can also be when the intrusive thoughts become overwhelming. So I say just sit with her even if its you on your phone her on hers at opposite ends of the room.

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