15 YO refuses to attend school

[missymarmite]

have spoken to the school at least 3 times a week since the beginning of term about DS's refusal to attend school. I have been open and honest and attempted to work with the school and I have done my utmost to encourage DS to attend.
In the past, before he started having severe behaviour issues, He had a very high attendance at mainstream school. Most years he achieved 100% attendance. I have worked in education myself for over 10 years and I have always impressed the importance of attendance and the importance of a good education on DS. Unfortunately, no one seems to be able to make him do what he doesn’t want to do, least of all me. I have now received a 1st warning letter to say that if DS misses 5 more days of school we will be prosecuted.
I really am at a loss as to what I'm expected to do to force him to attend school. I have begged him. I have pleaded. I have threatened and cajoled. He is a 15 year old boy who is taller than me, and who has displayed violent tendencies which have required the involvement of police at home on numerous occasion. DS has been excluded not only from Mainstream school for his absolute refusal to engage with discipline or school rules, but he was also excluded from a PRU for biting and spitting on the specialist teachers there. Now he is at a different PRU.
Social Services have been involved, but we have had very little useful support from them and we have heard nothing from them in the last few months, despite our pleas for help. My husband has had to take a step back and now has no parental involvement in my DS's upbringing as he responds badly to his input. DS's grandparents find it impossible to deal with his behaviour, despite loving him deeply. This leaves me alone to deal with a young adult who is physically stronger than me who can be volatile.
Every morning I receive a barrage of verbal abuse when I try to wake him up for school. He says he hates the school, and he is often out late without my permission, which leaves him too tired to get up in the morning. Unfortunately, 3 days a week I have to leave for work before he is picked up by the taxi and even when I believe I have persuaded him to go, he often doesn’t leave the house in time before the taxi leaves.
At this point I am at my wit’s end about this situation and my GP has prescribed medication for the stress that it is causing.

Had anyone else experienced this? What was the outcome?

Oh I am so sorry to hear what you're going through.

My son is 13 also with behavioural issues. He on his way to expulsion unfortunately. We've had many meetings with school who have been supportive and moderated his timetable so he only has lessons with teachers he 'likes'.

Are there underlying issues with your son? I think my son has anxiety and just cannot cope with filtering any feelings. He too is very volatile and aggressive and we have also had to involve police. He didn't bat an eyelid!!

I too leave for work before he's supposed to go to school. Luckily my husband works from home but he said he didn't manage to leave until about 10, then he went straight in to town centre. Does your son have a reason not to go in? I think with my son it's complete lack of interest . He has a terrible sense of entitlement - if anyone (teachers) have a less than pleasant attitude he just tell them to F off and storms out of class.

As I say, today he didn't even go in at all - sees no point! He is due to see Ed Psych next week I suspect he has ADHD - do you think your son may have any underlying issues such as ADHD?

Me and his Dad plan to take him to the GP after we have seen the ed psych and possibly get him medication to manage his anger as everything we have tried is not working.

Sorry I have't offered any constructive advice - just wanted you to know that you are not alone - and don't doubt yourself. So many people (in real life and probably on here) assume you must be a bad parent, but actually a lot of very troubled teenagers come from good homes.

I have other children who are 'normal' so it can't be our parenting.

Good luck

p.s I assume you have tried bribery? There was a time I would get results if I promised a dominoes pizza, but even that no longer works!

Has you been to the GP? Has your son had any help from any counselling services, i.e CAMHS to try and get to the bottom of his refusal? The way we got people off our backs was to provide medical documentation relating to anxiety/mental health/medical problems (all legitimate). Once school receives the documentation all threats ceased.

fwiw I would now say education takes a back seat to the op 's safety. I hope your son gets the help he needs - does anyone know how the op can be kept safe?

How are you doing , OP? I agree with specialsubject that you need to be safe first and foremost. Do you have any medical documents to present to the school?

I thought that prosecutions were very unlikely if you could document all your efforts to try to get him to comply. Nobody expects you to manhandle him out the door, you want to document that you tried other forms of leverage (like withdrawing his WiFi or pocket money).

Can you show things like you would lose your job if you went in later, or that your husband's mental health has suffered which is why he took a step back?

Sorry to read about your stress. x Sadly, I think parent going to jail could be one of the few things that could make some kids realise the awful things they're doing.

In my friend's very similar case, it was the threat of prosecution that actually changed things as DC seemed to suddenly realise that their actions could have massive consequences.

We're not very close so I don't know more details than that I'm afraid.

Can you approach social services again? If they are involved or have recently been involved, they should be asked whether they support a prosecution (and usually they don't, if the child is beyond control).

Are there options for a move within alternative provision? What is he saying - does he give reasons? Would he be more likely to attend another setting?

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. My DS is similar, he swears and is abusive to me in the morning. He has adhd and is being seen by CAMHs. At the moment we are having a lot of problems with school, I am hoping he won’t get expelled, but it could still happen. Have you spoken to IPSEA, they could help you? You need someone on your side here. The school also told me that I could contact The Coram Children’s Legal Centre. They apparently give free advice to parents on state school matters. I haven’t used them myself (but may do!). Www.childrenslegalcentre.com.
Good luck. It is so stressful isn’t it, especially on your own.

Thanks all for your comments and apologies for the delay in responding. I showed DS the letter and he had a melt down. He stormed upstairs to his room and trashed it screaming and swearing. Later he apologised and since then (about 2 weeks) he has been attending school.

However, he gets collected by taxi in the morning as we live in a rural area and the PRU is a long way. When the taxi comes DS takes an age to get out the door. The taxi driver complained on the drive home from school and DS absconded from the taxi at some traffic lights in a town 13 miles away from home! Told the driver where to go as well (such a proud parent).

Now DS is claiming he won't go to school tomorrow. So now we are back to square one.

DS just can't cope with being challenged. I don't know how he will survive as an adult.

Is someone giving him a hard time at school?
First off get your boy to the doctors if he has a problem, such as depression then you can fall back on that to not get prosecuted. Call up the school board explain about your boy then head up to school and get the story of why your boy doesn’t want to go

Is it possible your son has ADHD?

I echo what salterello says. It really is worth getting checked out. It could explain things and you could get proper treatment for him. My friend's DS was violent and had truancy issues at school. He was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's. The correct medication made a world of difference.

Is it possible to do coursework online at home?

How's it going Missy? Having huge problems with my son too :(

Hope things improve.