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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD17 sad that she’s never had a boyfriend

15 replies

doorwaytoparadise · 01/10/2018 00:16

Hi all,
My 17 year old DD confided in me last night that she feels ‘left behind’, so to put it. This is because she’s never had a boyfriend, or a first kiss or date. Her three best friends have had boyfriends, and one is in what she describes as a ‘long-term’ relationship (how long that actually is for a 17 year old, I’m unsure!)
She went to a party at the weekend and says that it made her feel depressed to watch other girls in her year ‘get with the boys’, and that she feels as if no boy she’s ever liked could fancy her I have tried to reassure her by telling her that she’s young and has plenty of time to get into a relationship, particularly as she’ll be going to university next year But she’s still quite despondent about the whole thing and thinks her friends/peers look down on her because she can’t get boys to like her. Hearing her say these things makes me really upset for her and I’m not sure how to cheer her up?

OP posts:

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 01/10/2018 00:24

I was 17 before I discovered boys, although for me I just didn't think they were particularly interesting, I would bet she has interested boys and hasn't realised. I was completely oblivious to when boys and now men like me. I remember my friend's mother sitting me down one day and trying to explain why some of the girls didn't like me was because their boyfriends did! I was totally shocked and didn't believe her...until they dumped said girlfriends and started asking me out 🤤 I'm almost certain she has boys that like her. They either are too shy or she's like me, needs airport landing lights for a signal.

Nightwatch999 · 01/10/2018 00:54

My DS1 is 18 and never had a gf or shown any remote interest in dating full stop. None of his friends care either, they are always hanging out playing either FIFA 19 or Fortnite. I do not think your DD is falling behind, dating is not a big deal at 17 unless she makes it one. She has her whole life ahead of her.

toffee1000 · 01/10/2018 01:22

17 is really young! I’m sure her friends won’t really look down on her, if they’re nasty about that kind of thing they’re not real friends.
If she’s going to university next year then that’s plenty of opportunity. She can “reinvent” herself as it were, nobody needs to know she’s not had one.
Comparison, as they say, is the thief of joy. If she sees her friends in relationships when she’s not in one, then it’s only natural that she’ll think “why not me”. Just reassure her that it really isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, even if she thinks it is.

Parky04 · 01/10/2018 07:48

My DS18 has never had a girlfriend either. He doesn't appear to be that bothered by it. Although he has just joined the Trampolining club at University where the majority of members are girls so who knows!

1Wanda1 · 01/10/2018 09:01

God it's awful being a teenager, isn't it? I have a 16 year old DS who feels the same as your DD - no one will ever fancy him, he is repulsive to the opposite sex, etc. Yes actually a lovely boy who is perfectly nice looking and would make a wonderful boyfriend, but he just hasn't got there yet. No amount of consoling can persuade him of this. He's convinced he will "die alone".

I think it's an inevitable part of adolescence to go through these thoughts. It's just so hard, especially with social media- they all think everyone else is having an amazing time all the time, when they probably aren't. All you can do is be there for DD and keep reassuring her.

MintyJones · 01/10/2018 17:48

Yes we had all this from my now 20 year old DD. I'd say the same thing each time ' just be patient and it will happen.'

I know that is a very dull motherly thing to say but whaddya know? It happened. And we now are on boyfriend d number 3 and have all the mad sobbing over past break ups etc

Par for the course and it WILL happen for your girl. Tell her you'll bet your house on it,

YeOldeTrout · 01/10/2018 20:35

I remember feeling like that. Funny thing is once I started having boyfriends (20yo) I never went without one again for more than a few months.

My DD is almost 17 & would say that boyfriends are over-rated. So much funner to study the menu than actually order.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/10/2018 01:50

One of my friends who started dating around 18 was literally fighting boys off at university - once she got going, she turned out to be a man magnet. I was envious!

I'll bet it'll happen for her once she's in a larger social scene.

Original poster

doorwaytoparadise · 04/10/2018 21:59

Thanks so much for the responses I’ve reassured her that university is the place, and that she can reinvent herself however she likes and come out of her shell a little. It seems to have cheered her up a little

OP posts:

bumpsadaisy11 · 04/10/2018 22:06

I wouldn't put too much hope on university. My DD is 18 & never had a boyfriend.

She started at uni in Sep, but apart from lectures, she hides away in her room!!

I encouraged her to join some clubs, but she wasn't having any of it!!!

Dazedandconfused1988 · 04/10/2018 22:12

Bless her, everyone is so different- I was in 2 very serious relationships up until now the first of these was from age 14- early 20s and the second was only six months after I split with the first, and I had sex with my best friend from school once in his mums spare room after one two many tequilas at a gig (mortifying because I was his little sisters duty manager in my supermarket job and his mum was my line manager on uni placement, so we all saw a lot of eachother) in between xp and DH.
No matter what she does she might feel awkward. It’s normal. When I first started going out with DH I remember being both mortified and stressed I’d not slept with enough people (we had the number talk and I’m sure he said 40 odd) and terrified I was naff for not being a virgin.
It’s rough but dd just needs to go with the flow -
Being a teen is naff I’m sorry she’s sad

snidgetowl · 04/10/2018 22:27

I understand exactly how your DD feels, as I felt exactly the same at school. All my friends seemed to have no trouble getting boyfriends whereas I hadn't even been kissed and felt like no one would ever be interested in me. However, on my first day at university I met my now boyfriend and we've been together ever since and still remain strong several years later! I was labelled shy and a swot at school and none of the boys would give me a second glance because they still associated me that way. University was a fabulous chance to reinvent myself. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self not to stress so much about it, because everything will work out in the end.

Scabetty · 07/10/2018 19:23

My dd is 18 yo this week and never had a bf. She is quite shy around boys she doesn't know and says she can’t flirt. She has boy friends and hopes uni may provide more choice

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 08/10/2018 14:08

This weekend I heard my DD (13) FaceTiming a friend and complaining that "all her friends know more boys than she does."

My first thought was "good."

I know they can't see it, but at 17/18 they have SO much time to meet someone and they'll know when it's special.

PippilottaLongstocking · 08/10/2018 14:10

I had my first boyfriend at 17 and at the time I felt so embarrassed and upset that I was so much older than other girls at my school we’re when they had their first boyfriends. Looking back I wish I’d waited and focused on school instead but that’s just what teenagers are like I guess

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