I am frightened by my own son

[goldiehawn1]

I am at my whits end. My eldest son who is 18 treats me with no respect.

He helps himself to food from the fridge, makes mess and leaves everything for me to tidy, he dumps his clothes by the washing machine expecting me to wash them for him,
he smokes dope in his room despite repeated requests to do it out of the home ( I have a 13 year old)
he keeps using his shower despite the fact I have asked him many times not to use it until it is fixed because it leaks badly through the ceiling and onto the carpet below causing further damage.
He picks stuff up and throws it at me. He has broken my fridge, my heating gage, he swears at me and the final nail in the coffin is he is physically and verbally abusive to me.

I am actually scared of him . He's 6 ft 5 inches tall and a big bully.

I have tried asking him to find somewhere else to live but he won't go. He just ramps up the attacks and I find myself relieved when he's out of the house. He seems to blame everything on me and just falls out with most people.

I wish I could help him but there is just nothing I can do for him. He has no morals, no values and I see before me a soulless heartless bully and it breaks my heart.

I find myself longing for him to leave me alone. Is there anything I can do to encourage him to move out? I don't know I can live in fear in my own home for much longer.

What a horrible situation? What's caused him to be like that? Was he better as a child?

Does he work? Can you afford to help pay for him to move into a flat? (Whatever you do, never ever ever act as a guarantor for his rent.)

This is domestic abuse, even though it is your son and not a partner. It needs to stop because it will impact on your younger son (besides the fact it's not ok for you to be abused). You could look on the Women's Aid website for a local service that my help. Some police forces have a domestic abuse unit who may be able to advise you. Social services are another possibility.

I would be contacting the police and a locksmith. Do you have any male relatives who can help evict him? I don't know what has made him like this but you need support. Whatever has happened in his life you have the right to feel safe in your own home. You also need to protect your 13 year old.

Does he have diagnosed mental health issues? The dope smoking won't be helping him.

Call the police when he physically attacks you

You should ring the police next time he threatens you. He’s not going to stop of his own accord.

You could also Look on your council website as they should have links to local help.

He used to be a sweet lad and then he was expelled from his school for drugs . It had such an impact on or family life to some extent, it brought on my divorce with my husband. The drugs are a major issue but it's the fact he just talks and treats me like his skivvy. I don't now cook for him and I've taken away funds but I do still pay for his phone, food and he has free board and lodgings. He works but won't give me any money. I have no support. He's fallen out with my father and sister and it's all a big mess. I really want him out but he just won't go. I have rung the police before but he never stops blaming me for that too. I'm lost and broken hearted. 😥

Kick him out! Easy said than done but enough is enough. He is a horrible cunt.

Change the locks and get the police to put a restraining order on him from coming x feet near to your house.

If he works then once he’s out change the locks and ask police to help you when he returns. Book him 2 nights in a cheap hostel and have done with it. It’s not fair on you or the 13 year old to have an aggressive drug using bully.

A lot of the things you've listed are things you would have been doing happily for him 5 years ago. So what changed? How did you work with him to take more responsibility for chores and for looking after himself? Was it a gradual change? Or did you try to switch off your 'mum services' in one go?

He sounds angry and unable to communicate with you. You should absolutely not be subjected to violence or anything that makes you scared.

Telling him you want him to leave is reasonable, but you have to understand that with that message comes the feeling of being rejected. By the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I say this as someone who was told to leave at 16. I won't ever forgive my mum for putting me out on the street. 25 yrs on. I'm sure she felt it was the right thing to do, it it fractured an already fragile relationship. Those breaks don't fully heal.

I can identify with your story. My son started smoking weed at 14, he was bright & a talented athlete, he started displaying negative behaviours, just like your son. I also was scared of my son, I phoned the Police, when my son became verbally aggressive, he couldn't follow any boundaries that we tried to put in place, due to his drug addiction. We made the decision to evict him, when he was 18. The local council housed him, and then in supported housing for young people where he received counselling, independent living skills etc.
Fast forward, he's now 24, living independently in a housing association flat, works part time & is at college,
I get support from Families Anonymous, I go to meetings, learnt to put in boundaries & use Tough Love.. Remember you didn't cause this, can't control or cure it. Addicts often have to reach rock bottom, before they seek recovery

Some wonderful responses, thank you SO much for sharing your own stories ladies.

Legocardsagain, I do understand what you are saying here and that is why I actually haven't changed the locks yet. He really does hate me and blames me for everything when all I do is try to show him the right way. For him, it is a way to escape making any changes by blaming me.

The trouble with it is is that I am now beginning to actually despise him and fearing my own son is not a good place to be. He really has no one else to turn to having upset everyone else so I really do fear for him if he were to move out.

Although having read your story Serene12, it does sometimes seem that maybe finding him somewhere else to live and for him to live independently could well help him get his act together. I am so pleased for you that your own son seems to have sorted himself out with a job and college. You obviously still have a relationship with him too so that is very reassuring also.

Hope you see some improvement soon OP

We are going through the same with mine - only differences he is not working. It is horrible - sending hugs you are not alone

for Kareninfrance and goldiehawn1. Hope things get better.

What happened until now? My son is the same

This thread is 2 years old!

Well I do know that obviously! You commented so maybe the lady who put it on will too!