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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Letting boyfriend stay over?

25 replies

DorothyL · 22/09/2018 22:02

At what age are you planning/have you decided to allow a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to stay over at your house?
In dd/ds room or in separate room?

OP posts:
PouchofDouglas · 22/09/2018 22:03

It’s not the age of the person, it’s the longevity of the relationship. One day so just seem right. Until then don’t let them

Pagwatch · 22/09/2018 22:04

Yep
Age. Maturity. Length of relationship matter

Original poster
DorothyL · 22/09/2018 22:05

So at age 17 - what length relationship when both quite sensible?

OP posts:
Notmethistimehonest · 22/09/2018 22:10

It’s very hard to come up with an objective standard but we went for they had to be actually ‘going out’ with each other, I.e. it was a proper exclusive relationship for at least a month.

In reality we knew they were having sex so it seemed pointless to make them sleep separately and DS’s gf lives a long way away so staying over is the only way they see each other for more than a couple of hours.

We wanted an ‘objective’ standard so he doesn’t think we will accept randomers in the future and so that there is a limit for younger DC.

Notmethistimehonest · 22/09/2018 22:10

This is at age 17.

Pagwatch · 22/09/2018 22:13

When my kid was 17 and had a relationship of a year, I still didn’t let her stay over. She was younger and it felt wrong. My sons girlfriend stayed once he was 19 and they were both at uni
That’s probably late but that was us

Original poster
DorothyL · 22/09/2018 22:13

Ah ok that's along the lines of where I was going - dd is 17, they've been together 2 months (though apart for majority of that time because of holiday), boyfriend lives far away so...

OP posts:
Bimgy85 · 22/09/2018 22:14

I let dds bf stay over she was aged 17 they were together a month, had been seeing eachother a few months.

Pagwatch · 22/09/2018 22:23

Dorothy
You know your child and your instinct is more important than anything else
If in doubt say no
It’s more difficult to be the naysayer but sometimes our child silently thanks us

Rebecca36 · 22/09/2018 22:24

Wait until the new year, by that time you'll know if they really care about eachother.

Original poster
DorothyL · 22/09/2018 22:25

My instinct is to say yes but a friend and my mother are making me feel like I'm being irresponsible

OP posts:
CaseFace30 · 22/09/2018 22:27

I was 17 when my mum let my boyfriend stay over and we'd been together about 2 months. We were together 3.5 years overall.

To be frank, if they're going to do something, they'll do it anyway, it is not better to be somewhere you know is safe?

Original poster
DorothyL · 22/09/2018 22:28

That's what I'm thinking.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 22/09/2018 22:32

I completely disagree with the ‘well they are going to do it anyway’ argument. I think its usually an excuse.

But it sounds as though it fits with your understanding of your Child so trust that

Bimgy85 · 22/09/2018 22:40

Do what works for you. Some mums are way more strict. I let my daughter and boyfriend stay over at seventeen and three years later they're still together

PouchofDouglas · 23/09/2018 10:36

Ageee. One day it’ll be right. You might also have younger siblings to consider

Original poster
DorothyL · 23/09/2018 16:56

Hmmm is it fair to let younger siblings be a factor? Not their fault that they're the oldest.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 23/09/2018 17:04

Ds is 14 so hopefully I've got a while before I need to think about this, but I can't imagine letting a girlfriend sleepover unless I had met her on a couple of occasions first. More out of respect than anything else.

PouchofDouglas · 23/09/2018 21:58

No. But you’re setting an exampld

itwillbealrightpromise · 23/09/2018 22:12

DD's first boyfriend first came to stay at 17, and they'd been together for 6 months. We'd met him a few times before, and she'd stayed at his a few times before that. Separate bedrooms, though, until they were both at uni. (Looking back now she is 21 that one seems arbitrary, but it felt right at the time).

LondonLassInTheCountry · 23/09/2018 22:16

If you are thinking about not letting him stay incase they have sex...
Believe me, if they want to, they will, regardless....

Provide condoms. Talk about other options.
Atleast you know they are safe at yours

LondonLassInTheCountry · 23/09/2018 22:17

Talk about other methods. The pill or the injection.

Not having an unwanted pregnancy is what is important here

Runrunrudolf · 26/09/2018 21:48

When I was 17 my mum let my partner stay over right away(i think a week in?) that ended badly she turned out to be abusive and I won't go in to details.
My boyfriend that came a few months after (now DH) was allowed to stay about a month or two into and when my mum was happy.

I definitely agree on age and maturity being a factor.

If they've been together a while and you trust them I'd say it's fine.

Just give her some info about contraception methods and pregnancy prevention that's definitely important.
I do agree if they're going to do it they may well I did at a young age and just wish my mum gave me the advice needed.

Me and DH was a long distance couple, it is hard when they rarely see each other but is there any chance he can visit for a while, stay in a spare room or on sofa for a few days? It's not unreasonable sounds fair

HostessTrolley · 01/10/2018 02:08

My d’s bf stays over, I think they’d been together officially about a month but were talking constantly for several months before that. She’s on the pill. He’s lovely and not a ‘player’ around the girls. Neither of them are idiots, if I felt uncomfortable about him then i wouldn’t be so laid back about it. I do think that their choices about their sex life and where they sleep are not the same thing, he was staying over before they started having sex. I think this is something that people will have very different views on, but you know your own kid. I think being sure that they’re confident enough to make decisions on sex when the time is right for them, and that they’re safe are the most important things

stellabird · 01/10/2018 02:11

I was OK with it once they were about 17 and they were exclusive. Talked about contraception, made sure my DD was using it correctly.

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