DS (nearly 15) has problems with anger and wants help. Where to go?

[KirstyJC]

I have 3 DSs, eldest is 14yo turning 15yo in a few weeks. He is a decent kid but occasionally has real temper outbursts. About a year ago we went with him to the GP (at his request) as he was worried he couldn't stop getting really angry and over-reacting to stuff. He was also hitting out at things - people, including us and his little brothers, chucking stuff etc. Not often but enough to bother us all and he didn't want to be like that.

GP was kind and explained how to try and control things: moving away from the issue to calm down, taking deep breaths etc. Didn't really have much more to offer though.

He has been a bit better since but in the last couple of months it has got worse again. Earlier tonight he hit his brothers then apologised, burst into tears and asked for help to stop himself doing it.

Thing is, we really don't know where to go for help. I think the temper is mostly what I would call 'teenager trying to figure out life' stuff but of course his response to the temper - hitting out - is not acceptable and we want to help him work out how to stop this. I think it is quite unusual for teenage boys to talk about problems and ask for help so I want to support this in him.

I plan to call school on Monday to see if they have anything to offer (primary runs Mindfulness classes for their kids so maybe they have similar in secondary?). I plan to go through some of the mindfulness stuff on Youtube with him as well. I was also going to try and get him out of the house (and off screens!) a bit more, going on the basis that fresh air and a physical outlet might help.

Does anyone else have any suggestions please? He asked about the GP but tbh last time GP didn't really have a lot more to offer than what he said then so not really sure that would be helpful - we want to suggest things that might actually be on offer, not give him the impression people can help and then not offer any.

Do you think he could have ADHD OP? Anger can be a classic sign. I’d go to the GP and ask for an assessment. There are things that can help. Exercise and meditation should help. Doing a martial arts class might help too

There is a very good chance it will just pass. I have two DS, both went through an angry stage at 14/15. With the first one I went to the doctor, had him referred to CALMS (totally useless) considered paying for private counselling and was genuinely worried he had mental health problems. Turned 16 and completely came out of it. Second son I was more laid back, didn’t go to the doctor and just lef him outgrow it which he has.

We did look into ADHD last time but didn't think he fitted it, but we will check again, thanks for the suggestion.

He is just starting cadets a couple of times a week in the evenings which will be physical stuff which gets him out, which I am looking forward to. I think the discipline aspect will be good for him too - he did enjoy scouts until he got too old.

He is fine at school as far as we know, has friends and is doing well academically.

I am hoping he will grow out of it too, he is still a child one minute and a grown up the next. I remember being a teenager (just!) and how life was just so unfair all the time and how frustrating it was!

He has grown about 20cm in the last 18 months so obviously the hormones have kicked in, which probably doesn't help either!

Comforting to hear your 2 grew out of it.

Very little help available through the NHS but you may find charities to help in your area. Are you in the midlands? Birmingham has a fantastic centre: Pause. Free service for under-25s. Drop in only, no appointments.

Not Midlands no, but I will look into local charities. Thank you - I hadn't thought of that.

I work in Secondary and see students specifically for behaviour management. It can be very successful, especially if you have a student who has requested it and seriously wants to engage.
Could you approach school or encourage your ds to see his Head of House or Year?

Cadets sounds like a really positive move

Headspace is s great app. There's a gen day free trial. Mindfulness is clincslly provem to help reroute neural pathways.

What worked more than anything else for my ds1 was a punchbag and weights in the shed. He’d go and play loud music and work out when frustrated and come back in a different boy. It was a last resort for me, never thought it would have such a positive affect but it has.

As soon as I read the OP, cadets was going to be my suggestion! Am involved in local Air Cadets, have seen many a lad mature and learn to manage their anger within the group. Really hope he’s at a good squadron/army cadets; as well as self development, the kids have a blast.

Maybe finding a counsellor who specialises in anger management techniques?

Good luck, DS sounds like a self aware and responsible lad

Anger management courses might help